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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Sept 15, 2005 5:36:05 GMT -5
I'm going to need volunteers to be 'solicited' in the Watching Dimensions soon...
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Tiki
Ranger
I'd call you a genius, except I'm in the room.
Posts: 245
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Post by Tiki on Sept 15, 2005 8:57:35 GMT -5
*sticks arm up in the air, Hermione style*
Ooo! Ooo! Pick me! Pick me! I volunteer!
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Sept 15, 2005 15:51:47 GMT -5
Ummm. OK. I'll have some sort of form up soon.
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Sept 17, 2005 22:17:18 GMT -5
Lol. completely open to soliciting.
And I love the update! This sounds like so much fun! Are you losing track of all your plotlines yet?
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Sept 18, 2005 2:42:43 GMT -5
No, funnily enough. I just scroll upwards and see who I haven't written about for the longest.... why, are you? Should I do a summary of what's happening where?
Anyway, here's some more.
As the Sonic the Hedgehog tournament entered its eighth consecutive hour, and the elves rang out for Lembas pizza for the fourth time, Elrond realized it was time to take matters into his own hands.
Of course, he didn’t know that members of his fandom were already taking action. He didn’t know that Aragorn and Legolas were currently trying to make Star Wars implode on itself, or that the hobbits were sailing (badly) straight towards the Caribbean – to him, all hopes for the future of Middle-earth or having the west wing of Rivendell renovated depended on whether Leiagorn continued to beat Faramir hands down at Sonic.
It was time, he decided, to send people to the Watching Dimensions.
But the problem was, no-one was left. All the main characters were either MIA or attacking Robotnik’s latest ship with a two-tailed fox while stuffing themselves with cheesy Lembas bread.
He considered contacting Sauron to ask for help, but then, on reflection, decided that Ringwraiths weren’t the best people to send to convince people to like them. To inspire terror into the hearts of men, certainly, but marketing? Not so good.
“DAMN BUG THINGS!!!” he heard Faramir bellow.
“Oh look,” observed Leiagorn, “I’ve beaten you. Again. Is it a sickness you have, or something?”
“It’s those damn bug things!” moaned Faramir, throwing down the handset, “They keep popping out of nowhere.”
“Aww, schnookie,” said Leiagorn with a grin, ruffling his hair, and then waving the handset. “Any challengers?”
There was an awkward silence as everyone looked at each other. “None at all?” said Leiagorn, “Well, then…”
“I’ll take that challenge,” said a voice from the back of the room. All turned their heads to see Arwen, who stepped forward to the handset with a look on her face that suggested if this were a real battle, instead of a computer game, her opponent was due for serious pain.
Leiagorn’s eyes narrowed. “Arwen…”
“That’s Arwen??” said Aragorn incredulously, “Bloody hell, she’s HOT!”
Arwen and Leiagorn both shot him murderous glares. Aragorn swiftly looked over his shoulder and said in an innocent voice, “Who said that?”
“Nice try,” said Arwen and Leiagorn, and immediately turned back to look at each other.
“So you’re this fandom’s tough brunette princess who the rugged hero falls in love with,” said Leiagorn, eyes narrowing.
“Er,” said Arwen, raising an eyebrow, “Yes, yes I am. Got a problem with that?”
“No, actually,” said Leiagorn, abruptly switching to a sunny smile, “Because a fair few fans of Lord of the Rings hate you. But I – I mean, Princess Leia - is beloved by all Star Wars fans.”
“Princess Leia?” said Arwen disbelievingly, “It’s only because she got into a gold bikini. I got fans without having to strip off.”
There was a funny crunching noise from the handset in Leiagorn’s hands. “No,” said Leiagorn, “I suppose you didn’t. You only had to completely twist the plot so that you got screentime and act completely out of character.”
Arwen’s eyes narrowed also. Most of the people in the room held their breath nervously. Aragorn’s eyes went from the elf to the ranger as if he could scarcely believe his luck.
Arwen took a deep breath. “Let’s play,” she said.
Elrond decided this was time to make an abrupt exit. He walked away along the balcony, looking down at the waterfall. What Leiagorn had said had given him an idea. When he had sent out the invitations to the Council, he had concentrated mainly on characters made famous by the films.
But what about the forgotten book characters?... He pulled out his phone and dialled in a number. At the same time, he waved over a passing elf.
“Excuse me, Erestor – could you go and fetch my sons for me?”
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Sept 18, 2005 16:07:54 GMT -5
YAAAAY! *cheers madly*
Erestor! Elladan! Elrohir! Yay yay yay yay!
*happiness*
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Sept 19, 2005 2:20:16 GMT -5
I met the guy who played Erestor at the FF. He was HOT...
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Sept 19, 2005 2:37:37 GMT -5
I hope you all acknowledge how much trouble I went to with this chapter, considering about half of it is in italics...
Hogwarts was in trouble again. Surprised?
Several students from wealthy families, including Draco Malfoy, had mysteriously vanished. Witnesses had described seeing a man with one eyebrow, though Dumbledore had never heard of such a wizard.
The house-elves had moved on from talking in musical voices to adapting their pillowcases into beautiful flowing robes, and they had started composing long epic poems about their lives. He had even caught one trying to make a ring.
But the strangest thing of all was that most of the students in Harry’s year had also vanished – except for Harry, Ron and Hermione, who looked strangely furtive and, in Ron’s case, extremely short. Also, he caught Professor Rumansa staring at them with wide disbelieving eyes and muttering under his breath.
But if Dumbledore was having problems, they were nothing compared to Professor Rumansa’s.
First of all, Sauron wasn’t very happy at his lack of success. Secondly, he wasn’t very happy at his lack of success.
Thirdly, a certain Dark wizard wasn’t very happy that he was even trying.
“Hello,” said a voice behind him when he entered his study.
Professor Rumansa span round so quickly his white beard flared out and his fake glasses-and-moustache flew off. Voldemort was sitting next to his fire, looking more than a little annoyed.
Before he could ask who he was, he noticed someone standing behind him. Darth Vader.
“No, you’re doing it all wrong,” said Darth Vader in an exasperated way, “Yes, the sitting-silently-then-suddenly-noticed thing was good, but what sort of threatening greeting is ‘hello’? Did you even watch ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ like I told you to?”
“Yes, I-” began Voldemort.
“It’s all about presence! You call yourself a Dark Lord??”
“I – I-”
“Hang your head in shame!”
Voldemort hung his head in shame. Professor Rumansa looked at the two of them in confusion.
“Hello there,” said Darth Vader, “Sauron sends his regards, and says he hopes you get a move on. Before long, Dumbledore’s going to notice what’s going on.”
“Can I stop hanging my head now?” said Voldemort to his chest.
“I suppose so,” said Darth Vader. Voldemort sighed in relief and lifted his head. “Uh-uh! That sounded like a sign of weakness! Never show your enemy that you feel discomfort! Hang your head in shame!”
“But you’ve been making me hang my head in shame for hours already today,” cried Voldemort, “I think my spine is becoming curved!”
“HANG IT!” said Vader threateningly. Voldemort moaned and let his head fall to his chest. Professor Rumansa thought he heard a click.
“Uh,” said Professor Rumansa, “Er – what do you want?”
“Not me,” said Darth Vader, slapping the top of Voldemort’s bald head, “This ignoramus here.”
“That hurt,” whimpered Voldemort.
“Get a backbone, will you?”
“I do. I think it’s being irreparably damaged.”
“Shhhh. You’re not learning. Now, let’s just stand here in silence while you THINK about what it MEANS to be a Dark Wizard. I mean, why didn’t you just become a florist? THAT seems to be more your area.”
“I get bad hayfever,” mumbled Voldemort.
“SHHHT! Complete silence.”
They stood in silence for a moment.
‘Saruman?’
“AARGH!” yelled Professor Rumansa, “What was that?”
“Nothing,” said Darth Vader hurriedly.
“What was what?” asked Voldemort, raising his head.
“HEAD DOWN!” boomed Darth Vader, shoving his head back down.
“I swore I heard something,” said Professor Rumansa confusedly, while Voldemort screamed, “My vertebrae! My beautiful reincarnated vertebrae!!” “Like… someone talking to me in my head…”
‘That was me, dumbass. Darth Vader.’
“Ooooh, that was YOU?” said Professor Rumansa, “I didn’t know you could talk in people’s heads! Can all Sith do that?”
“I wasn’t talking in your head,” said Darth Vader innocently.
“Why were you talking in his head?” asked Voldemort.
“No idea,” shrugged Professor Rumansa.
“I WASN’T,” said Darth Vader firmly, over-pronounciating each syllable, “talking in your head.”
“Yes you were,” said Professor Rumansa.
"No I wasn't!" ‘Stop saying that, you idiot!’
“You did it again!” said Professor Rumansa eagerly, and then frowned. “Was calling me an ‘idiot’ really necessary?”
Darth Vader sighed and smacked his mask with his hand, making a THONK noise.
“What are you talking about?” asked Voldemort.
“Nothing Theresa,” said Darth Vader quickly, “Now, Saru – Professor Rumansa – listen to me – and watch me wink. OK? I am NOT – TALKING – TO – YOU – IN – YOUR – HEAD.”
“I can’t see you winking, you’re wearing a weird mask for some reason.”
A strange rumbling noise came from Darth Vader’s chest, and his gloves creaked as he clenched his fists.
“Er,” said Voldemort, “I just heard you say, ‘Stop saying I’m talking to you in your head, Saruman!’ in my head.”
“Oh, sorry,” said Darth Vader, “Wrong person. Ignore that. Don’t raise your head!”
Voldemort groaned and returned his chin to his chest. “Are you talking about me?”
“Yes, I’m telling him that you’re a disgrace,” said Darth Vader in such a way Professor Rumansa was sure he was rolling his eyes behind his helmet, “But I was being discreet for your benefit, since you already act like such a girl I was worried you’d start crying on us. And while I know how important it is for working women to be able to express their feelings in this horrible man-driven world, this cape is dry-clean only, thank you very much.”
“That’s harsh,” observed Professor Rumansa, slightly awed.
“Only way he’ll learn.”
‘Listen, you half-assed attempt at Evil Overlord homework, I AM talking in your head, but DON’T REACT!!’
Professor Rumansa, who had been about to jump into the air in surprise, tried to stop himself and ended up falling over sideways. “OW!”
“Why did you do that?” asked Voldemort curiously.
“Er – nervous twitch.”
‘There’s a good wizard. Now listen, Saruman, I’m talking in your head for a reason. Now act nonchalant so Voldemorina here doesn’t suspect anything.’
Professor Rumansa settled his gaze firmly on a corner of the ceiling, frowned slightly and started humming quietly to himself.
‘That’s nonchalant??’
‘I haven’t had much practice!’ thought back Professor Rumansa in an annoyed way, ‘I don’t generally have much cause to.’
‘Ohh, careful there, Dumber-bledore, that sounded like you were SNAPPING at me. You weren’t, were you?’
‘… No, sir…’
‘Good good. Now listen up, Sarumanicure. I’m PRETENDING to be encouraging towards Tommabell here, to be ‘honing his skills as a Dark Lord so that THAT BOY can be eliminated once and for all’ – but REALLY I’m breaking his confidence and, eventually, and sense of self-worth, down into small bitesize chunks to feed to the Gungans, until he just loses the will to be evil. And suddenly the hero has nothing to be heroic against. Goodbye fandom.’
“That is SMART!” said Professor Rumansa in amazement.
“What is?” asked Voldemort.
“… Ceilings! Aren’t they just incredible? I mean, otherwise there’d only be one floor in every house, and everyone would get wet when it rained.” Voldemort lifted his eyes and stared at him. “Remarkable things,” continued Professor Rumansa, “Where WOULD we be without them?”
‘Smooth. I can see where you got your title ‘The Wise’ from.’
'Haha. What do you want me to do, anyway?’
‘Just defeat Voldemort at every turn. Send him crying back to his snake. Oh – and start wreaking better havoc here. I mean, vanishing students? Pitiful. You can do better.’
‘They were canon-important students.’
‘What do you want, a cookie? We need MAYHEM!’
‘Fine, fine.’
Darth Vader nodded. “All right,” he said to Voldemort, “Now that we’re done contemplating silently what a disgrace you are, you can say what you came here to say.”
Voldemort stood up, straightening his neck and successfully suppressing a whimper, though Professor Rumansa heard the tell-tale crack as his vertebrae slipped back into place with a disgruntled sigh of relief.
“Ahem,” he said, and quickly settled his face into his classic expression, whose eyes said, ‘I’m going to bring pain and crushing doom on you, very very soon’, and the eyebrows said, ‘But you have a chance to get out of it, IF I’m feeling nice.’ “I hear that you’ve been trying to dispose of a certain boy called Harry Potter.”
“Um,” said Professor Rumansa, “Well, kinda.”
“Ah,” said Voldemort, drawing himself slightly taller – more vertebrae slipped into place – “Well, I think that you ought to know that I have been trying to dispose of Harry Potter for several years now. Since he was born, actually.”
“Oh. Um. That’s nice.”
“Not really. Because I have always been thwarted. Can you even begin to imagine how frustrating that is?”
“I can start to,” said Professor Rumansa slightly nervously, “considering about half that last sentence was in italics.”
“Oh yes,” hissed Voldemort, causing all snakes within a two mile radius to perk their heads up, “I am feeling extremely italicized right now… and do you know why I’m feeling particularly italicized?”
“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me…”
“The reason I’m feeling particularly italicized is that after I have failed for quite a few years – most of those being spent in a forest in Albania – some upstart of a wizard comes along and thinks he can just steal my idea!”
Professor Rumansa nervously took a step back. “Um,” he said, “… sorry?”
“So you should be,” said Voldemort angrily, “So don’t do it again!”
“OK, that’s a little too much italics,” commented Darth Vader.
“Really? I was just going with the moment-”
Darth Vader sighed like a long-suffering housewife. "How many times? LIMIT IMPROVISATION! Planning is the key. Planning. For example, who’s clever idea was it to have the Triwizard Cup being a two-way Portkey? I mean, honestly? And couldn’t you have set up some kind of magical barrier in the graveyard? All these simple plans could have stopped Harry escaping for the – what was it – third time?”
“Second,” said Voldemort defensively, but his shoulders were slumping again, “Once, it was only my memory.”
“Ah,” said Darth Vader, leaving a long pause, just long enough to show that he didn’t think this was much of an excuse, and then said briskly, “Come along now, things to do…”
The two of them got up and headed for the door. Just as Voldemort reached it, Darth Vader snapped, “Don’t leave without some sort of last threat!”
“I thought the silent, dignified exit was best?”
“No, no – that’s best for when visiting prisoners for torture, meeting heroes unexpectedly, or leaving to complete some sort of dastardly scheme. When meeting for threatening, or possibly informing someone that you have a friend of theirs prisoner, THAT’S when you make some sort of threat before leaving! I can see this is going to take a lot of work…”
Professor Rumansa – who I will now start calling Saruman, as you really should have guessed by now – listened to them bickering all the way down the corridor. It briefly occurred to him that it was a little strange that not only the most wanted evil wizard in that fandom at that time had managed to enter Hogwarts unnoticed, but he was accompanied by an evil Sith Lord as well, who was known for killing children.
This small recognition was replaced by the overwhelming realization that he WAS bad at being nonchalant. Maybe that was how Gandalf guessed he’d turned evil so quickly?...
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Sept 19, 2005 18:14:25 GMT -5
hehehehe...
Congrats. I'm very impressed by the italics.
Fuuuuun! I love the evil alliances and the backstabbing- oh, what glee!
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Sept 20, 2005 4:34:31 GMT -5
Gleefulness indeed. Again, I've run out of chapters, so I'm going to need to write more...
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Sept 23, 2005 19:54:02 GMT -5
Please do. I am much amused.
^_^
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Sept 24, 2005 11:39:02 GMT -5
I'm a bit stuck. I need to update Frodo's, but I've never written HHG2TG fanfic before...
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Post by gio on Sept 24, 2005 16:23:36 GMT -5
bring back discworld! you mentioned the luggage earlier - imagine the luggage. and the librarian, rincewind and possibly the watch, at hogwarts. or even in mos eisley. mos eisely / mended drum crossover barfight:) ok, getting carried away here. sorry
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Sept 25, 2005 3:35:06 GMT -5
No, those are good!
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Sept 25, 2005 12:00:51 GMT -5
That's true, you haven't mentioned discworld in a while... And I'm sure you'll do fine with HHG2TG... Plus, it's obsessive fandom isn't so great that you'll have dozens of bloodthirsty flamers after you if you write a little OOC or get a fact wrong. Which I'm sure you won't anyways.
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