Post by Hobbit-eyes on Feb 19, 2006 13:06:05 GMT -5
This is an entry for an anti-Mary-Sue fic contest I'm writing... as usual, was only supposed to be a few pages but has got completely out of control... Btw, Forca is a friend of mine on another board.
STAR WARS: THE MARY-SUES STRIKE BACK
A long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away…
On a planet called Bespin…
On a city which, despite appearing to just be balancing on a very thin pole, actually stays up because it floats on the increasingly dense gases of the planet – you know, the ones they mine? - …
… a monumental confrontation was taking place.
A battle between light and darkness. Good and evil. Jedi and Sith.
One which would live forever in Galactic and, though the combatants didn’t know it, cinematic history.
Well. That was the intention, anyway.
“Must say, I never get tired of this bit,” said Katie, peering out the window which Luke had been sucked out of only moments before to get a better view of the Sith advancing on the fallen Jedi.
Forca pulled her back. “I know you don’t, but how would it be if some Star Wars geeks re-watching Empire Strikes Back for the 1138th time happened to spot a deranged girl in the background eating M&Ms and yelling ‘GO ON VADER, KICK THAT BOY’S ASS!’?”
Katie shrugged. “I dunno. Say I was some special feature of the digitally remastered DVD, like a tribute to an expanded universe character?”
Forca started to argue, but then stopped. “Actually, yes, they probably would. But do you happen to remember why we’re here?”
“Uh-huh,” said Katie, “Mary-Sue detector went off. We traced the main signal to be coming from here. We came here.”
“And?...”
“We… came with snacks?”
“You came with snacks. I came with Mary-Sue Killing Things.” Katie didn’t reply, but bounced up and down in delight as Vader cut off Luke’s hand. “Remember? Mallet? Sword? Flamethrower?”
Katie answered by pulling out her own flamethrower and looking at Forca sardonically. “Like I ever go anywhere without it.”
“I’m just saying, we can come here and watch this any time, why do you have to do it while we’re working?”
“Look, the Sue isn’t going anywhere… and besides, she’s sure to be drawn to where the action is.”
Forca shrugged. “Fair enough. Gimme M&Ms.”
“Heehee, no-one can resist the chocolatey goodness. Do you think Vader wants one?”
“I wouldn’t disturb him right now… and even the geeks would have a tricky time blaming that on an Extended Universe character.”
“I’m kinda curious as to how they’d rise to the challenge.”
Meanwhile, back at the important conflict…
“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side,” Vader was intoning as Luke was struggling to cling to the, er, big metal thing, with only one hand, “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father…”
“He told me enough!” yelled Luke, “He told me you killed him.”
“No, Luke,” said Vader in the calm grave tones of those knowing precisely the effect their dramatic words are going to have, and wanting them to sound good, “I am-”
He was interrupted by a pair of high heels flying out of nowhere into his helmet. These were closely followed by an extremely angry girl, yelling, “NOOOO!”
One of Katie’s M&Ms froze halfway to her mouth.
Luke stared in amazement as Darth Vader flew back over the catwalk and landed with a very heavy THUD, accompanied by a low “Oof.” As lucky as this was, he couldn’t help but think there was something inherently wrong about it. He couldn’t but help but have a very bad feeling about this…
But then the girl turned to face him. She was impossibly beautiful; despite there being no sunlight or wind, her red hair flew out behind her and her pale skin glowed like moonlight. At first his natural instincts made him question this – but then he looked into her sapphire-emerald-diamond eyes, and………
She had no such effect on Forca and Katie.
“There she is!” said Forca, “Come on, Mr Flamey, we got some not-so-spontaneous combustion to incite.” She turned to Katie. Neither she, nor her M&M, had moved. “Katie? Are you OK?”
She didn’t reply straight away – when she did, her voice was as cold as Hoth. “She. Did. NOT. Just. Interrupt. THAT. Moment.”
“Um. I think she did.”
“Ohhhh. She did NOT.”
“Katie-”
“NOT.”
“We-”
“NOT!”
“We know how evil these things can be. That’s why we bash them and stab and fry them and generally cause them excruciating pain, remember?”
“No. That’s why we’re sent to kill them.” With eerie calm, Katie replaced the M&M in the bag, put the bag in her pocket, and pulled out a large lethal looking gun. “We bash them and stab them and fry them and generally cause them excruciating pain because it’s fun and good for my health.”
Forca grinned and nodded, and they clambered out through the window.
The girl was extending a slender pale perfectly manicured hand to Luke to help him back onto the catwalk. “Don’t worry,” she said in a voice like sunlight on running water, strong yet tinged with sadness obviously referencing to a tragic past, “You’re safe now.”
Luke thought …………. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from hers. “Who – who are you?”
“I am-” She took a slight breath. “Salaravirithanayiliriellayelle Skywalker. I came here to save you. Darth Vader was going to kill you.”
………., thought Luke. It seemed all the words he said were being supplied by someone else. “Skywalker?”
“Your father was one of twins,” explained Salaravirithanayiliriellayelle in sad and beautiful musical tones, like the mourning of swans at the evening of time, “Your grandmother thought that the girl died after she was born, but she was in fact kidnapped by the Sith Lord, who recognized she had even greater Force potential than your father. He trained her in the Sith arts, and she was his loyal servant, but then she met the father of Han Solo-”
A large mallet swinging out of nowhere and hit her on the side of the head with a resounding THWACK. Salaravirithanayiliriellayelle fell to the ground.
“- and I’m sure that entire affair ended happily,” said Katie, stepping up next to her. She glanced down at Luke. “Don’t worry, we’ll explain everything. We just have to do the legal bit first. Forca?”
Forca stepped up carrying a notepad. “Salaravirithanayiliriellayelle Skywalker, you have been charged with altering the canon, you have the right, nay, the duty to remain silent – sunlight-on-water voices get really annoying after a while – you do not however get any other rights as you are just a figment of someone’s imagination and no-one will miss you.”
“We would feel sorry for you, but you interrupted THAT. MOMENT,” said Katie grouchily, “What do you think, Forca – Sarlacc?”
“Sounds good.” Forca bent down and picked up the Mary-Sue – who, being only a one-dimensional character, was of course very light. “The monster in the Death Star’s been blown up, after all.”
“Yeah… must say, that was very mean of the rebels. You don’t see many of those nowadays. They might be an endangered species.”
“Tut. Perhaps we could-”
Before Forca’s latest undoubtedly-ingenious scheme could be revealed, there was a barely-audible-yet-just-audible-enough-to-be-dramatic-and-somehow-beautiful-sounding THUD behind them. Katie and Forca looked over their shoulders.
Another Mary-Sue was standing behind them. This one had a long waterfall of shining raven-black hair streaming down her back, and emerald eyes blazing with anger. She had a curved black and silver lightsaber in each hand, matching her entire black and silver ensemble. And she didn’t look too happy.
Katie’s eyebrows shot up. Forca’s eyebrows followed close behind.
STAR WARS: THE MARY-SUES STRIKE BACK
A long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away…
On a planet called Bespin…
On a city which, despite appearing to just be balancing on a very thin pole, actually stays up because it floats on the increasingly dense gases of the planet – you know, the ones they mine? - …
… a monumental confrontation was taking place.
A battle between light and darkness. Good and evil. Jedi and Sith.
One which would live forever in Galactic and, though the combatants didn’t know it, cinematic history.
Well. That was the intention, anyway.
“Must say, I never get tired of this bit,” said Katie, peering out the window which Luke had been sucked out of only moments before to get a better view of the Sith advancing on the fallen Jedi.
Forca pulled her back. “I know you don’t, but how would it be if some Star Wars geeks re-watching Empire Strikes Back for the 1138th time happened to spot a deranged girl in the background eating M&Ms and yelling ‘GO ON VADER, KICK THAT BOY’S ASS!’?”
Katie shrugged. “I dunno. Say I was some special feature of the digitally remastered DVD, like a tribute to an expanded universe character?”
Forca started to argue, but then stopped. “Actually, yes, they probably would. But do you happen to remember why we’re here?”
“Uh-huh,” said Katie, “Mary-Sue detector went off. We traced the main signal to be coming from here. We came here.”
“And?...”
“We… came with snacks?”
“You came with snacks. I came with Mary-Sue Killing Things.” Katie didn’t reply, but bounced up and down in delight as Vader cut off Luke’s hand. “Remember? Mallet? Sword? Flamethrower?”
Katie answered by pulling out her own flamethrower and looking at Forca sardonically. “Like I ever go anywhere without it.”
“I’m just saying, we can come here and watch this any time, why do you have to do it while we’re working?”
“Look, the Sue isn’t going anywhere… and besides, she’s sure to be drawn to where the action is.”
Forca shrugged. “Fair enough. Gimme M&Ms.”
“Heehee, no-one can resist the chocolatey goodness. Do you think Vader wants one?”
“I wouldn’t disturb him right now… and even the geeks would have a tricky time blaming that on an Extended Universe character.”
“I’m kinda curious as to how they’d rise to the challenge.”
Meanwhile, back at the important conflict…
“If you only knew the power of the Dark Side,” Vader was intoning as Luke was struggling to cling to the, er, big metal thing, with only one hand, “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father…”
“He told me enough!” yelled Luke, “He told me you killed him.”
“No, Luke,” said Vader in the calm grave tones of those knowing precisely the effect their dramatic words are going to have, and wanting them to sound good, “I am-”
He was interrupted by a pair of high heels flying out of nowhere into his helmet. These were closely followed by an extremely angry girl, yelling, “NOOOO!”
One of Katie’s M&Ms froze halfway to her mouth.
Luke stared in amazement as Darth Vader flew back over the catwalk and landed with a very heavy THUD, accompanied by a low “Oof.” As lucky as this was, he couldn’t help but think there was something inherently wrong about it. He couldn’t but help but have a very bad feeling about this…
But then the girl turned to face him. She was impossibly beautiful; despite there being no sunlight or wind, her red hair flew out behind her and her pale skin glowed like moonlight. At first his natural instincts made him question this – but then he looked into her sapphire-emerald-diamond eyes, and………
She had no such effect on Forca and Katie.
“There she is!” said Forca, “Come on, Mr Flamey, we got some not-so-spontaneous combustion to incite.” She turned to Katie. Neither she, nor her M&M, had moved. “Katie? Are you OK?”
She didn’t reply straight away – when she did, her voice was as cold as Hoth. “She. Did. NOT. Just. Interrupt. THAT. Moment.”
“Um. I think she did.”
“Ohhhh. She did NOT.”
“Katie-”
“NOT.”
“We-”
“NOT!”
“We know how evil these things can be. That’s why we bash them and stab and fry them and generally cause them excruciating pain, remember?”
“No. That’s why we’re sent to kill them.” With eerie calm, Katie replaced the M&M in the bag, put the bag in her pocket, and pulled out a large lethal looking gun. “We bash them and stab them and fry them and generally cause them excruciating pain because it’s fun and good for my health.”
Forca grinned and nodded, and they clambered out through the window.
The girl was extending a slender pale perfectly manicured hand to Luke to help him back onto the catwalk. “Don’t worry,” she said in a voice like sunlight on running water, strong yet tinged with sadness obviously referencing to a tragic past, “You’re safe now.”
Luke thought …………. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from hers. “Who – who are you?”
“I am-” She took a slight breath. “Salaravirithanayiliriellayelle Skywalker. I came here to save you. Darth Vader was going to kill you.”
………., thought Luke. It seemed all the words he said were being supplied by someone else. “Skywalker?”
“Your father was one of twins,” explained Salaravirithanayiliriellayelle in sad and beautiful musical tones, like the mourning of swans at the evening of time, “Your grandmother thought that the girl died after she was born, but she was in fact kidnapped by the Sith Lord, who recognized she had even greater Force potential than your father. He trained her in the Sith arts, and she was his loyal servant, but then she met the father of Han Solo-”
A large mallet swinging out of nowhere and hit her on the side of the head with a resounding THWACK. Salaravirithanayiliriellayelle fell to the ground.
“- and I’m sure that entire affair ended happily,” said Katie, stepping up next to her. She glanced down at Luke. “Don’t worry, we’ll explain everything. We just have to do the legal bit first. Forca?”
Forca stepped up carrying a notepad. “Salaravirithanayiliriellayelle Skywalker, you have been charged with altering the canon, you have the right, nay, the duty to remain silent – sunlight-on-water voices get really annoying after a while – you do not however get any other rights as you are just a figment of someone’s imagination and no-one will miss you.”
“We would feel sorry for you, but you interrupted THAT. MOMENT,” said Katie grouchily, “What do you think, Forca – Sarlacc?”
“Sounds good.” Forca bent down and picked up the Mary-Sue – who, being only a one-dimensional character, was of course very light. “The monster in the Death Star’s been blown up, after all.”
“Yeah… must say, that was very mean of the rebels. You don’t see many of those nowadays. They might be an endangered species.”
“Tut. Perhaps we could-”
Before Forca’s latest undoubtedly-ingenious scheme could be revealed, there was a barely-audible-yet-just-audible-enough-to-be-dramatic-and-somehow-beautiful-sounding THUD behind them. Katie and Forca looked over their shoulders.
Another Mary-Sue was standing behind them. This one had a long waterfall of shining raven-black hair streaming down her back, and emerald eyes blazing with anger. She had a curved black and silver lightsaber in each hand, matching her entire black and silver ensemble. And she didn’t look too happy.
Katie’s eyebrows shot up. Forca’s eyebrows followed close behind.