Post by Dolly the Sheep on Apr 4, 2006 12:51:58 GMT -5
cuz i don't know where else to put this. and you guys'll appreciate it. probably.
DOCTOR WHO: THE CHRISTMAS INVASION IN FIFTEEN MINUTES
London
JACKIE: *decks the halls with boughs of holly*
MICKEY: *hammers a car to pieces*
RADIO: IT’S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!
AUDIENCE: No, it’s not. It’s clearly still the middle of summer.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
TARDIS: *crash-lands spectacularly*
AUDIENCE: OMGWTF?!
JACKIE: DUCK!
MICKEY: No, TARDIS.
AUDIENCE: *rolls eyes*
DOCTOR: Look at me! I’m CRAZY!
MICKEY: Dude, who the hell ARE you?
DOCTOR: I’m SO TOTALLY the Doctor! Can’t you tell from my CRAZINESS? And the LEATHER JACKET! And what about the fact that I KNOW YOUR NAMES?!
JACKIE: …
MICKEY: …
DOCTOR: Oh, what the hell. MERRY CHRISTMAS! Ack. *collapses in a rather girlish fainting manner*
ROSE: That is SO not cool.
MICKEY: What took you so long?
ROSE: …
JACKIE: WHO IS THIS CRAZY MAN?!
ROSE: That’s the Doctor. Duh.
JACKIE: OMG NO IT ISN’T YOU LIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
ROSE: Dude, the last guy quit the job. He’s the new Doctor.
JACKIE: Doctor WHO?
AUDIENCE: …
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
Jackie’s Bedroom
DOCTOR: *is unconscious*
ROSE: Gah. You have it EASY.
JACKIE: Ok, gimme the low-down.
ROSE: He’s got two hearts.
AUDIENCE: Hey, when did you find that out?
ROSE: He told me. Totally. When you weren’t looking.
AUDIENCE: …
JACKIE: Anything else he’s got two of?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
DOCTOR: *belches out excess charisma*
AUDIENCE: Ohhh, THAT’S why Ecclescake left … he had no charisma! Whereas Tennant has TOO MUCH!
DOCTOR: Dude, you think that’s bad? When I was in Harry Potter it POSSESSED MY TONGUE. *shlirp*
Jackie’s Living Room
HARRIET JONES: (on TV) Check me out! I’m PM, I’m on telly, I’m sending a PROBE into SPACE with NO HOPES WHATSOEVER of contacting ALIENS. At all. No way.
JACKIE: She kicks ASS.
ROSE: I love her, man.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: (on TV) *squee* I’m in charge of the space probe! Check me OUT!
Some Shopping Precinct in London
EXTRAS: IT’S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!
ROSE: Yeah, we get it.
AUDIENCE: And that’s so totally NOT London.
EXTRAS: What gave it away?
ROSE: Big tree, scary-ass Santas, people with big shiny presents, no recognisable London-type landmarks …
EXTRAS: Damn.
SCARY SANTAS: PH34R MY FLAME-THROWING TROMBONE FROM HELL!
ROSE: Oh, nuts.
SCARY SANTAS: I KEEL YOU!
ROSE: RUN AWAAAAAAY!
MICKEY: RUN AWAAAAAAY!
BIG TREE: I KEEL YOU, SCARY SANTA!
SCARY SANTA: Ack.
Jackie’s flat
ROSE: OMGWEHAVETOGETOUTTAHEEEEEEEEEEERE!
JACKIE: **** that, y’all. It’s Christmas!
ROSE: WE KNOW.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Hey, it’s called The Christmas Invasion. The clue’s in the title.
JACKIE: …
ROSE: New tree.
JACKIE: Your point?
MICKEY: Uh, guys …?
MUSIC: *is madcap Christmas Carol*
KILLER TREE: *deathspin* I KEEL YOU!
ROSE: Great.
JACKIE: AHHHHHHH!
MICKEY: Watch me be heroic, wielding this chair!
KILLER TREE: I KEEL YOUR CHAIR!
MICKEY: Damn.
ROSE: Doctor?
DOCTOR: …
ROSE: Doctor, there’s a big scary killer Christmas tree trying to tear down my mum’s flat and kill us all.
DOCTOR: …
ROSE: Including you.
DOCTOR: …
ROSE: We’re so totally screwed.
DOCTOR: …
ROSE: Would it help if I said I’d shag you?
DOCTOR: I KEEL YOU, KILLER TREE!
KILLER TREE: *explodes in a sonic-screwdriver-induced frenzy*
ROSE: Dude, you’re asexual. How did that wake you up?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
Some Balcony
DOCTOR: You wanna piece of me?!
SCARY SANTAS: RUN AWAAAAAAY!
MICKEY: That was easy.
DOCTOR: *pitches a spaz*
ROSE: OMGWTFISWRONG?!
DOCTOR: You woke me up too soon! I’m only supposed to get screen time in the last fifteen minutes!
ROSE: But this Christmas special is an hour long.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
DOCTOR: *pitches another spaz*
JACKIE: OMG!
DOCTOR: *belches more excess charisma*
ROSE: Dude, what’s up with that nuts?
DOCTOR: Just be grateful it’s not a sentient tongue.
ROSE: …
DOCTOR: Dude, what’s up with the fruit?
JACKIE: Totally not my fault.
DOCTOR: Oh, I get it, it’s a plot point. Ok, my bad. *pitches another spaz*
ROSE: OMG!
DOCTOR: SOMETHING’S COMING! But I’m going to be really vague about it and say stupid things about pilot fish so that you have no clue how to save the world, which makes me look even greater when I do it later all by myself when I’m all better. Kay?
ROSE: Sure, whatever.
DOCTOR: Rad. *girlish faint*
ROSE: Not AGAIN …
Jackie’s Flat
DOCTOR: *is unconscious. Again.*
MICKEY: I know! I’ll go on that super-resourceful government website which I can SO TOTALLY hack into with my CRAPPY DIAL-UP CONNECTION!
JACKIE: Dude.
ROSE: Guys … he’s only got one heart beating now.
MICKEY: So have the rest of us. Shut up, bitch.
Somewhere In Space
PROBE: *is flying around aimlessly*
BIG CREEPY ROCK THING: *sucks probe into a hole*
PROBE: *shlirp*
Jackie’s Living Room
REPORTERS: (on TV) OMGWTFYOULOSTTHEPROBE!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: (on TV) No we didn’t.
REPORTERS: (on TV) Except for the part where you totally DID.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: (on TV) Shup. ANYWHOOOO it’s back now! Woot!
MICKEY: I found a REALLY GOOD animation which I SO TOTALLY found on my CRAPPY DIAL-UP CONNECTION.
ROSE: Rad. What is it?
MICKEY: Check out the pilot fish.
SHARK: RAAAAAAAAR!
ROSE: We’re gonna get attacked by sharks?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Dude, it’s metaphorical. Work with me here.
JACKIE: Check it out! They’ve got pictures from MARS!
MICKEY: …
ROSE: …
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! *translation* Is this the real life? Is this just fantasyyyyyy?
ROSE: Oh, nuts.
Underneath The Tower Of London
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Well, where else would you hide a top secret United Nations organisation?
AUDIENCE: Duuuuuuuuuuude.
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
ALEX: She’s a bit excited about that part.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: And you are …?
ALEX:A reasonably unimportant character until right at the end where I become the biggest plot point of them all mwahahahahahaaaaaa! Her right-hand-man.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: …
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: Yuh huh. What’s new?
HARRIET JONES: It was all a hoax. Totally a hoax.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: Really? Great, let’s all go home and drink eggnog!
HARRIET JONES: HAHAHAHAHAAAAA FOOLED YOU!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: …
HARRIET JONES: Actually, aliens DO exist, we’ve known about them for YEARS and they’ve never given us any cause for concern UNTIL NOW.
AUDIENCE: Dude, what about the Daleks? And the Slitheen? And the Autons? And the—
HARRIET JONES: SHUP.
AUDIENCE: …
SALLY: Hi! I’m only here to look pretty and make sure you’re all paying attention when something important and creepy happens to me later!
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
SALLY: …
EXTRAS: IT’S CHRIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!
AUDIENCE: Enough with the Christmas already.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
Jackie’s Bedroom
DOCTOR: *mumbles fitfully in coma*
JACKIE: Dude, you have it EASY.
DOCTOR: *grin* Yeah, I know. Humour me, okay? I’m suffering from post-regeneration sickness here.
JACKIE: OMGWTFISWRONGWITHYOU?!
DOCTOR: The Doctor is unavailable. Please leave your message with the sentient tongue and we’ll get back to you. *shlirp*
JACKIE: …
DOCTOR: EXCESS CHARISMA!
JACKIE: …
Underneath The Tower Of London
SALLY: OMG the spaceship is SO coming to kill us OMG!
MAJOR BLAKE: Chill, dude.
SALLY: OMGWTF that signal SO isn’t coming from Mars!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: OMG that means they might not be Martians!
MAJOR BLAKE: Old news, dude.
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: SURRENDER OR THEY WILL DIIIIIIIIIE!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: They?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: You’ll see.
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
AUDIENCE: …
HARRIET JONES: Dude, tell those aliens that it’s CHRISTMAS DAY and we DON’T FIGHT on CHRISTMAS DAY. And if they try anything WE’LL KICK THEIR ASSES.
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
CREEPY BLUE LIGHT: *morphs certain people into zombies*
DANNY LLEWELLYN: OMGWTF!
AUDIENCE: Took the words right out of our mouths.
ZOMBIFIED PEOPLE: *toddle off to the roof*
ALEX: There’s totally a connection between these people!
MAJOR BLAKE: Ooh, check you out, you finally got an important line!
ALEX: WOOT!
HARRIET JONES: Ok, so what’s this connection?
ALEX: They’re all family groups related by blood.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh … that’s creepy.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Trust me, it gets better.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: Dude, they’re all A+. They. THEY. nuts.
A+ MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE: OMGWTFTHAT’SMEEEEEEEEEEE!
HARRIET JONES: Well, only one thing for it. Get me a camera and an office so that I look like the President addressing the nation, even though I am BRITISH and we HATE THE PRESIDENT and we are all PATRIOTIC and BRITISH and I’M PRIME MINISTER.
AUDIENCE: …
Jackie’s Flat
JACKIE: Dude, isn’t it amazing that none of the really important characters are A+?
MICKEY: Not really.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistle*
HARRIET JONES: (on TV) DOCTOR! DOCTOR! WE NEED YOU! HELP MEEEEEEE!!
ROSE: OMG HE’S ACTUALLY DEAD! The Doctor actually died and now he’s actually a completely different man and I’ve only just realised this and OMGI’MGONNACRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
SPACESHIP: *divebombs atmosphere*
ALL BUILDINGS: *shatter*
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *grins* Yup, I did my research.
ROSE: RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!
MICKEY: What?
ROSE: Dude, check out the scary-ass spaceship. I have NO CLUE what to do. I vote we kidnap the Doctor and hold him hostage in the TARDIS because even though I can’t fly it, we might be able to ride out the Apocalypse in it.
MICKEY: …
JACKIE: …
ROSE: Yes, I’m a coward. SO SUE ME.
JACKIE: Fine. I’ll get enough food to last us until the Four Horsemen get here.
ROSE: Rad.
Underneath The Tower Of London
HARRIET JONES: We’re SO screwed.
MAJOR BLAKE: Yuh huh.
HARRIET JONES: There is absolutely no way we can get out of this.
MAJOR BLAKE: Nope.
HARRIET JONES: Fine, I give up. Send in Torchwood.
MAJOR BLAKE: OMGWTFHOWTHEHELLDOYOUKNOWABOUTTHEMOMG?!
HARRIET JONES: …
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
AUDIENCE: Does this mean we get to see Captain Jack’s bum?
Inside the TARDIS
MICKEY: So, can you fly this thing?
ROSE: Nuh uh.
MICKEY: …
ROSE: …
JACKIE: Anyone want a nice hot cup ofplot point tea?
DOCTOR: Guys? This floor is a little uncomfortable …
MICKEY: Shut up, bitch. Some of us are trying to save the world here!
DOCTOR: Who, exactly?
JACKIE: Ok, seeing as I’m useless at fighting big nasty aliens, I’m going torun away go and get some more food.
ROSE: Whatever. We’re still screwed.
Underneath The Tower Of London
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: We cordially invite you for jam and scones aboard our spaceship. RSVP.
HARRIET JONES: Beam us up, Scotty.
TELEPORTER: Rightyho.
Inside the Sycorax ship
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: Red is SO this season, dahling.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: OMG this is SO COOL! Aliens are like totally real, man!
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: I KEEL YOU!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: *is dead from psycho electric whip thing*
AUDIENCE: Oooh. Kinky.
MAJOR BLAKE: OMGWTFAREYOUDOINGYOUBASTARDS!
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: I KEEL YOU TOO!
MAJOR BLAKE: *is dead from psycho electric whip thing*
HARRIET JONES: …
ALEX: *poke* Say something!
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: For GOD’S SAKE, we KNOW who you ARE, woman!
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: If you don’t do as I say we’re SO TOTALLY gonna ruin your whole way of life. Like, forever.
HARRIET JONES: Great.
Inside the TARDIS
MICKEY: Hey, this screen looks like my laptop screen! Maybe I can make it work!
CONSOLE SCREEN: NO TOUCHY! Nooooooo touchy. *makes weird beeping noise*
Inside the Sycorax ship
WEIRD BEEPING NOISE: *can for some reason be heard from all the way down on Earth where the TARDIS is*
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: OMGWTFYOUTRAITOOOOOOOORS!
TARDIS: Beam me up, Scotty.
Inside the TARDIS
ROSE: Dude, where’s mum?
MICKEY: No idea. Maybe you should GO OUTSIDE and look for her.
ROSE: Great idea! Because NOTHING can happen to me there!
Inside the Sycorax ship
ROSE: Bollocks. *shrieks girlishly*
Inside the TARDIS
MICKEY: Oooh, that’s my cue to go and be all heroic again!
AUDIENCE: …
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
MICKEY: *spillsplot point tea*
DOCTOR: You’re just LEAVING me here?! What sort of companion ARE you?! I’m not going to be your friend for TWO SLEEPS!
Inside the Sycorax ship
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: Ok, you. Blondie. The box is yours, right?
ROSE: Sort of.
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: Rad. Ok, even though we know that this woman here is Prime Minister, we’re gonna let you try and bargain for your entire planet. All six billion people, two billion of whom are about to jump of the tops of very tall buildings and kill themselves because we’re controlling them. So no pressure.
ROSE: GO AWAY NASTY ALIENS!!!
Inside the TARDIS
TEA: *is all over the floor*
SPARKS: *fly*
ELECTRICS: *crackle*
HEALTH AND SAFETY EXECUTIVES: *facepalm*
DOCTOR: EXCESS CHARISMA!
Inside the Sycorax ship
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: Ok, bear with me, he’s going into monologue mode now …
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU ALL!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: I KEEL YOU ALL! … wait a minute …
ROSE: You’re talking English.
AUDIENCE: OMG that must mean that the TARDIS is working again which must mean that the Doctor is all better! HOORAY!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: *gets redundancy paypacket*
ROSE: But … you’re not speaking English.
AUDIENCE: We know.
ROSE: But I can hear English.
AUDIENCE: Get there faster.
ROSE: But if you’re not speaking English, but I can hear English, then that means …
AUDIENCE: *yawn*
ROSE: OMG the TARDIS!
EVERYONE: *turns to look*
DOCTOR: *emerges triumphant*
AUDIENCE: *gapes in amazement*
DOCTOR: Did you miss me?
AUDIENCE: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU!
PSYCHO ELECTRIC WHIP THING: RAR!
DOCTOR: Pah! I laugh at your puny weapons and I KEEL them with my BARE HANDS!
AUDIENCE: OMGWTF?!
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Gallifreyan physiology.
AUDIENCE: Oh, ok.
DOCTOR: Ok, I’m just gonna spend the next few minutes trying to convince everyone that I’m really Ecclescake regenerated, and then we can all go home!
HARRIET JONES: OMG who the hell are you?
DOCTOR: HOW MANY TIMES?! I’m the Doctor!
HARRIET JONES: But where did Dumbo go?
DOCTOR: He buggered off. Now you’re stuck with me instead!
FEMALE AUDIENCE: *drool*
SYCORAX: Dude, who the hell ARE you?
DOCTOR: Well, despite the fact that I have a name and a whole catalogue of backstory, I need an excuse to talk a lot to make up for my pathetic amount of screentime and show off my wonderful Doctor-ness.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
GREAT BIG THREATENING BUTTON: Notice me!
DOCTOR: Oooh … shiny! *presses great big threatening button*
ZOMBIFIED PEOPLE: We’re gonna jump!
CREEPY BLUE LIGHT: *vanishes*
ZOMBIFIED PEOPLE: Or not.
AUDIENCE: OMGWTF?!
DOCTOR: See? It was all just a clever trick involving something very voodoo-like to do with using the blood to hypnotise people.
AUDIENCE: …
DOCTOR: The Lion King is the best film EVAAAAAAR!
AUDIENCE: …
DOCTOR: Oh, what the hell. I KEEL YOU!
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU BACK!
IMPRESSIVE SWORD FIGHT: *begins*
SWORDS: *clash*
AUDIENCE: *are amazed*
DOCTOR: RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!
Outside on the wing of the Sycorax ship
DOCTOR: Wow … these aliens so totally have a big wing that I can get to by pressing another button which I’ve only just found.
AUDIENCE: WE DON’T CARE! GET ON WITH THE FIGHT!
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU!
DOCTOR: *falls over*
SYCORAX: *does a Darth Vadar on the Doctor*
AUDIENCE: OMGWTFHECUTHISHANDOFFOMG!
SYCORAX: You LOSE, sucker!
DOCTOR: *spontaneously regrows hand* Suck on THAT.
SYCORAX: Witchcraft!
DOCTOR: Time Lord.
NOTHING: *is cooler than that line*
DOCTOR: This new hand … it’s a FIGHTIN’ HAND!
EXCEPT: *that line*
IMPRESSIVE SWORD FIGHT: *continues*
DOCTOR: *reigns supreme with his shiny new hand*
SYCORAX: Ack.
DOCTOR: Bugger. Off.
SYCORAX: Sure, fine, whatever.
DOCTOR: Rad. Let’s all go home for turkey and eggnog!
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU!
DOCTOR: PH34R THE SATSUMA OF SYCORAX DOOM!
SYCORAX: *falls spectacularly from collapsible wing which the Doctor apparently knew about and was able to activate by throwing a Satsuma at a button nearby*
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
Inside the Sycorax ship
DOCTOR: BUGGER. OFF.
ROSE: Yeah!
DOCTOR: Excuse me, who’s running this show now?
ROSE: …
Somewhere in London
TELEPORTER: *beams all the Earthlings and the TARDIS back down*
SYCORAX SHIP: RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!
HARRIET JONES: OMG we so totally kicked alien BUTT!
DOCTOR: …
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
DOCTOR: Yeah. And now the WHOLE UNIVERSE is going to know you’re here.
HARRIET JONES: Not MORE aliens?!
DOCTOR: Get used to it, bitch.
HARRIET JONES: Ok, that settles it. Tell Torchwood to fire theDeath Star big scary laser thing!
DEATH STAR BIG SCARY LASER THING: *fires*
SYCORAX SHIP: *explodes*
DOCTOR: OMGWTF?!
HARRIET JONES: …
DOCTOR: I KEEL YOU!
HARRIET JONES: Nah, you can’t kill me. You’re a hero to children across the country. Plus this is pre-watershed. So nyer.
DOCTOR: Fine. I’ll just bring down your government from within.
ALEX: *gets ready for his shining moment*
DOCTOR: Don’t you think she looks tired?
ALEX: …
AUDIENCE: OMGSOCLEVER!
Somewhere in the TARDIS
THE MUSIC: *is cheerfully upbeat despite the dead aliens*
DOCTOR: *is browsing through massive wardrobe*
AUDIENCE: Me wantses.
Jackie’s Flat
EVERYTHING: *is festive*
EVERYONE: *is having turkey and eggnog*
Somewhere in the TARDIS
DOCTOR: Mmm. Shiny new clothes.
FEMALE AUDIENCE: *drools*
Jackie’s flat
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT: *is everywhere*
JACKIE: Dude, we should so go outside.
ROSE: Why?
JACKIE: Cause … erm … cause … oh, just go!
ROSE: …
Outside
AUDIENCE: Now THAT looks like Christmas.
ROSE: Check it out! It’s SNOWING!
DOCTOR: Actually, it’s raining the remnants of dead aliens.
ROSE: …
AUDIENCE: …
DOCTOR: Still pretty Christmassy though, right?
ROSE: …
DOCTOR: So. We still gonna go galaxy-hopping?
ROSE: Totally!
DOCTOR: Rad.
JACKIE: OMGYOU’RESTILLGOINGWITHHIMOMGWTF?!
ROSE: Let me think … stay here and be condemned to a life of boredom, monotony and tedium, or go into the blue box and live out my life in the company of an alien with two hearts and a time machine … decisions, decisions …
AUDIENCE: …
DOCTOR: And just to make the transition from Ecclescake to SHINY NEW ME a little bit easier, I’ll recycle the word I ALWAYS USED last series.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
DOCTOR: It’s gonna be … FANTASTIC!
AUDIENCE: HELL YEAH!!!
DOCTOR: See you in April!
AUDIENCE: YEAH! … what? You’re leaving for FOUR MONTHS?!
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Blame the BBC.
BBC: *whistles*
AUDIENCE: Fine. MERRY CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAS!
The End
DOCTOR WHO: THE CHRISTMAS INVASION IN FIFTEEN MINUTES
London
JACKIE: *decks the halls with boughs of holly*
MICKEY: *hammers a car to pieces*
RADIO: IT’S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!
AUDIENCE: No, it’s not. It’s clearly still the middle of summer.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
TARDIS: *crash-lands spectacularly*
AUDIENCE: OMGWTF?!
JACKIE: DUCK!
MICKEY: No, TARDIS.
AUDIENCE: *rolls eyes*
DOCTOR: Look at me! I’m CRAZY!
MICKEY: Dude, who the hell ARE you?
DOCTOR: I’m SO TOTALLY the Doctor! Can’t you tell from my CRAZINESS? And the LEATHER JACKET! And what about the fact that I KNOW YOUR NAMES?!
JACKIE: …
MICKEY: …
DOCTOR: Oh, what the hell. MERRY CHRISTMAS! Ack. *collapses in a rather girlish fainting manner*
ROSE: That is SO not cool.
MICKEY: What took you so long?
ROSE: …
JACKIE: WHO IS THIS CRAZY MAN?!
ROSE: That’s the Doctor. Duh.
JACKIE: OMG NO IT ISN’T YOU LIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!
ROSE: Dude, the last guy quit the job. He’s the new Doctor.
JACKIE: Doctor WHO?
AUDIENCE: …
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
Jackie’s Bedroom
DOCTOR: *is unconscious*
ROSE: Gah. You have it EASY.
JACKIE: Ok, gimme the low-down.
ROSE: He’s got two hearts.
AUDIENCE: Hey, when did you find that out?
ROSE: He told me. Totally. When you weren’t looking.
AUDIENCE: …
JACKIE: Anything else he’s got two of?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
DOCTOR: *belches out excess charisma*
AUDIENCE: Ohhh, THAT’S why Ecclescake left … he had no charisma! Whereas Tennant has TOO MUCH!
DOCTOR: Dude, you think that’s bad? When I was in Harry Potter it POSSESSED MY TONGUE. *shlirp*
Jackie’s Living Room
HARRIET JONES: (on TV) Check me out! I’m PM, I’m on telly, I’m sending a PROBE into SPACE with NO HOPES WHATSOEVER of contacting ALIENS. At all. No way.
JACKIE: She kicks ASS.
ROSE: I love her, man.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: (on TV) *squee* I’m in charge of the space probe! Check me OUT!
Some Shopping Precinct in London
EXTRAS: IT’S CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!
ROSE: Yeah, we get it.
AUDIENCE: And that’s so totally NOT London.
EXTRAS: What gave it away?
ROSE: Big tree, scary-ass Santas, people with big shiny presents, no recognisable London-type landmarks …
EXTRAS: Damn.
SCARY SANTAS: PH34R MY FLAME-THROWING TROMBONE FROM HELL!
ROSE: Oh, nuts.
SCARY SANTAS: I KEEL YOU!
ROSE: RUN AWAAAAAAY!
MICKEY: RUN AWAAAAAAY!
BIG TREE: I KEEL YOU, SCARY SANTA!
SCARY SANTA: Ack.
Jackie’s flat
ROSE: OMGWEHAVETOGETOUTTAHEEEEEEEEEEERE!
JACKIE: **** that, y’all. It’s Christmas!
ROSE: WE KNOW.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Hey, it’s called The Christmas Invasion. The clue’s in the title.
JACKIE: …
ROSE: New tree.
JACKIE: Your point?
MICKEY: Uh, guys …?
MUSIC: *is madcap Christmas Carol*
KILLER TREE: *deathspin* I KEEL YOU!
ROSE: Great.
JACKIE: AHHHHHHH!
MICKEY: Watch me be heroic, wielding this chair!
KILLER TREE: I KEEL YOUR CHAIR!
MICKEY: Damn.
ROSE: Doctor?
DOCTOR: …
ROSE: Doctor, there’s a big scary killer Christmas tree trying to tear down my mum’s flat and kill us all.
DOCTOR: …
ROSE: Including you.
DOCTOR: …
ROSE: We’re so totally screwed.
DOCTOR: …
ROSE: Would it help if I said I’d shag you?
DOCTOR: I KEEL YOU, KILLER TREE!
KILLER TREE: *explodes in a sonic-screwdriver-induced frenzy*
ROSE: Dude, you’re asexual. How did that wake you up?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
Some Balcony
DOCTOR: You wanna piece of me?!
SCARY SANTAS: RUN AWAAAAAAY!
MICKEY: That was easy.
DOCTOR: *pitches a spaz*
ROSE: OMGWTFISWRONG?!
DOCTOR: You woke me up too soon! I’m only supposed to get screen time in the last fifteen minutes!
ROSE: But this Christmas special is an hour long.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
DOCTOR: *pitches another spaz*
JACKIE: OMG!
DOCTOR: *belches more excess charisma*
ROSE: Dude, what’s up with that nuts?
DOCTOR: Just be grateful it’s not a sentient tongue.
ROSE: …
DOCTOR: Dude, what’s up with the fruit?
JACKIE: Totally not my fault.
DOCTOR: Oh, I get it, it’s a plot point. Ok, my bad. *pitches another spaz*
ROSE: OMG!
DOCTOR: SOMETHING’S COMING! But I’m going to be really vague about it and say stupid things about pilot fish so that you have no clue how to save the world, which makes me look even greater when I do it later all by myself when I’m all better. Kay?
ROSE: Sure, whatever.
DOCTOR: Rad. *girlish faint*
ROSE: Not AGAIN …
Jackie’s Flat
DOCTOR: *is unconscious. Again.*
MICKEY: I know! I’ll go on that super-resourceful government website which I can SO TOTALLY hack into with my CRAPPY DIAL-UP CONNECTION!
JACKIE: Dude.
ROSE: Guys … he’s only got one heart beating now.
MICKEY: So have the rest of us. Shut up, bitch.
Somewhere In Space
PROBE: *is flying around aimlessly*
BIG CREEPY ROCK THING: *sucks probe into a hole*
PROBE: *shlirp*
Jackie’s Living Room
REPORTERS: (on TV) OMGWTFYOULOSTTHEPROBE!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: (on TV) No we didn’t.
REPORTERS: (on TV) Except for the part where you totally DID.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: (on TV) Shup. ANYWHOOOO it’s back now! Woot!
MICKEY: I found a REALLY GOOD animation which I SO TOTALLY found on my CRAPPY DIAL-UP CONNECTION.
ROSE: Rad. What is it?
MICKEY: Check out the pilot fish.
SHARK: RAAAAAAAAR!
ROSE: We’re gonna get attacked by sharks?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Dude, it’s metaphorical. Work with me here.
JACKIE: Check it out! They’ve got pictures from MARS!
MICKEY: …
ROSE: …
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! *translation* Is this the real life? Is this just fantasyyyyyy?
ROSE: Oh, nuts.
Underneath The Tower Of London
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Well, where else would you hide a top secret United Nations organisation?
AUDIENCE: Duuuuuuuuuuude.
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
ALEX: She’s a bit excited about that part.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: And you are …?
ALEX:
DANNY LLEWELLYN: …
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: Yuh huh. What’s new?
HARRIET JONES: It was all a hoax. Totally a hoax.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: Really? Great, let’s all go home and drink eggnog!
HARRIET JONES: HAHAHAHAHAAAAA FOOLED YOU!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: …
HARRIET JONES: Actually, aliens DO exist, we’ve known about them for YEARS and they’ve never given us any cause for concern UNTIL NOW.
AUDIENCE: Dude, what about the Daleks? And the Slitheen? And the Autons? And the—
HARRIET JONES: SHUP.
AUDIENCE: …
SALLY: Hi! I’m only here to look pretty and make sure you’re all paying attention when something important and creepy happens to me later!
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
SALLY: …
EXTRAS: IT’S CHRIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!
AUDIENCE: Enough with the Christmas already.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
Jackie’s Bedroom
DOCTOR: *mumbles fitfully in coma*
JACKIE: Dude, you have it EASY.
DOCTOR: *grin* Yeah, I know. Humour me, okay? I’m suffering from post-regeneration sickness here.
JACKIE: OMGWTFISWRONGWITHYOU?!
DOCTOR: The Doctor is unavailable. Please leave your message with the sentient tongue and we’ll get back to you. *shlirp*
JACKIE: …
DOCTOR: EXCESS CHARISMA!
JACKIE: …
Underneath The Tower Of London
SALLY: OMG the spaceship is SO coming to kill us OMG!
MAJOR BLAKE: Chill, dude.
SALLY: OMGWTF that signal SO isn’t coming from Mars!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: OMG that means they might not be Martians!
MAJOR BLAKE: Old news, dude.
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: SURRENDER OR THEY WILL DIIIIIIIIIE!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: They?
RUSSELL T DAVIES: You’ll see.
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
AUDIENCE: …
HARRIET JONES: Dude, tell those aliens that it’s CHRISTMAS DAY and we DON’T FIGHT on CHRISTMAS DAY. And if they try anything WE’LL KICK THEIR ASSES.
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
CREEPY BLUE LIGHT: *morphs certain people into zombies*
DANNY LLEWELLYN: OMGWTF!
AUDIENCE: Took the words right out of our mouths.
ZOMBIFIED PEOPLE: *toddle off to the roof*
ALEX: There’s totally a connection between these people!
MAJOR BLAKE: Ooh, check you out, you finally got an important line!
ALEX: WOOT!
HARRIET JONES: Ok, so what’s this connection?
ALEX: They’re all family groups related by blood.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh … that’s creepy.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Trust me, it gets better.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: Dude, they’re all A+. They. THEY. nuts.
A+ MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE: OMGWTFTHAT’SMEEEEEEEEEEE!
HARRIET JONES: Well, only one thing for it. Get me a camera and an office so that I look like the President addressing the nation, even though I am BRITISH and we HATE THE PRESIDENT and we are all PATRIOTIC and BRITISH and I’M PRIME MINISTER.
AUDIENCE: …
Jackie’s Flat
JACKIE: Dude, isn’t it amazing that none of the really important characters are A+?
MICKEY: Not really.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistle*
HARRIET JONES: (on TV) DOCTOR! DOCTOR! WE NEED YOU! HELP MEEEEEEE!!
ROSE: OMG HE’S ACTUALLY DEAD! The Doctor actually died and now he’s actually a completely different man and I’ve only just realised this and OMGI’MGONNACRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
SPACESHIP: *divebombs atmosphere*
ALL BUILDINGS: *shatter*
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *grins* Yup, I did my research.
ROSE: RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!
MICKEY: What?
ROSE: Dude, check out the scary-ass spaceship. I have NO CLUE what to do. I vote we kidnap the Doctor and hold him hostage in the TARDIS because even though I can’t fly it, we might be able to ride out the Apocalypse in it.
MICKEY: …
JACKIE: …
ROSE: Yes, I’m a coward. SO SUE ME.
JACKIE: Fine. I’ll get enough food to last us until the Four Horsemen get here.
ROSE: Rad.
Underneath The Tower Of London
HARRIET JONES: We’re SO screwed.
MAJOR BLAKE: Yuh huh.
HARRIET JONES: There is absolutely no way we can get out of this.
MAJOR BLAKE: Nope.
HARRIET JONES: Fine, I give up. Send in Torchwood.
MAJOR BLAKE: OMGWTFHOWTHEHELLDOYOUKNOWABOUTTHEMOMG?!
HARRIET JONES: …
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
AUDIENCE: Does this mean we get to see Captain Jack’s bum?
Inside the TARDIS
MICKEY: So, can you fly this thing?
ROSE: Nuh uh.
MICKEY: …
ROSE: …
JACKIE: Anyone want a nice hot cup of
DOCTOR: Guys? This floor is a little uncomfortable …
MICKEY: Shut up, bitch. Some of us are trying to save the world here!
DOCTOR: Who, exactly?
JACKIE: Ok, seeing as I’m useless at fighting big nasty aliens, I’m going to
ROSE: Whatever. We’re still screwed.
Underneath The Tower Of London
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: We cordially invite you for jam and scones aboard our spaceship. RSVP.
HARRIET JONES: Beam us up, Scotty.
TELEPORTER: Rightyho.
Inside the Sycorax ship
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: Red is SO this season, dahling.
DANNY LLEWELLYN: OMG this is SO COOL! Aliens are like totally real, man!
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: I KEEL YOU!
DANNY LLEWELLYN: *is dead from psycho electric whip thing*
AUDIENCE: Oooh. Kinky.
MAJOR BLAKE: OMGWTFAREYOUDOINGYOUBASTARDS!
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: I KEEL YOU TOO!
MAJOR BLAKE: *is dead from psycho electric whip thing*
HARRIET JONES: …
ALEX: *poke* Say something!
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: For GOD’S SAKE, we KNOW who you ARE, woman!
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: If you don’t do as I say we’re SO TOTALLY gonna ruin your whole way of life. Like, forever.
HARRIET JONES: Great.
Inside the TARDIS
MICKEY: Hey, this screen looks like my laptop screen! Maybe I can make it work!
CONSOLE SCREEN: NO TOUCHY! Nooooooo touchy. *makes weird beeping noise*
Inside the Sycorax ship
WEIRD BEEPING NOISE: *can for some reason be heard from all the way down on Earth where the TARDIS is*
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: OMGWTFYOUTRAITOOOOOOOORS!
TARDIS: Beam me up, Scotty.
Inside the TARDIS
ROSE: Dude, where’s mum?
MICKEY: No idea. Maybe you should GO OUTSIDE and look for her.
ROSE: Great idea! Because NOTHING can happen to me there!
Inside the Sycorax ship
ROSE: Bollocks. *shrieks girlishly*
Inside the TARDIS
MICKEY: Oooh, that’s my cue to go and be all heroic again!
AUDIENCE: …
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
MICKEY: *spills
DOCTOR: You’re just LEAVING me here?! What sort of companion ARE you?! I’m not going to be your friend for TWO SLEEPS!
Inside the Sycorax ship
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: Ok, you. Blondie. The box is yours, right?
ROSE: Sort of.
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: Rad. Ok, even though we know that this woman here is Prime Minister, we’re gonna let you try and bargain for your entire planet. All six billion people, two billion of whom are about to jump of the tops of very tall buildings and kill themselves because we’re controlling them. So no pressure.
ROSE: GO AWAY NASTY ALIENS!!!
Inside the TARDIS
TEA: *is all over the floor*
SPARKS: *fly*
ELECTRICS: *crackle*
HEALTH AND SAFETY EXECUTIVES: *facepalm*
DOCTOR: EXCESS CHARISMA!
Inside the Sycorax ship
SYCORAX: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: Ok, bear with me, he’s going into monologue mode now …
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU ALL!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: I KEEL YOU ALL! … wait a minute …
ROSE: You’re talking English.
AUDIENCE: OMG that must mean that the TARDIS is working again which must mean that the Doctor is all better! HOORAY!
TRANSLATION MACHINE: *gets redundancy paypacket*
ROSE: But … you’re not speaking English.
AUDIENCE: We know.
ROSE: But I can hear English.
AUDIENCE: Get there faster.
ROSE: But if you’re not speaking English, but I can hear English, then that means …
AUDIENCE: *yawn*
ROSE: OMG the TARDIS!
EVERYONE: *turns to look*
DOCTOR: *emerges triumphant*
AUDIENCE: *gapes in amazement*
DOCTOR: Did you miss me?
AUDIENCE: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU!
PSYCHO ELECTRIC WHIP THING: RAR!
DOCTOR: Pah! I laugh at your puny weapons and I KEEL them with my BARE HANDS!
AUDIENCE: OMGWTF?!
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Gallifreyan physiology.
AUDIENCE: Oh, ok.
DOCTOR: Ok, I’m just gonna spend the next few minutes trying to convince everyone that I’m really Ecclescake regenerated, and then we can all go home!
HARRIET JONES: OMG who the hell are you?
DOCTOR: HOW MANY TIMES?! I’m the Doctor!
HARRIET JONES: But where did Dumbo go?
DOCTOR: He buggered off. Now you’re stuck with me instead!
FEMALE AUDIENCE: *drool*
SYCORAX: Dude, who the hell ARE you?
DOCTOR: Well, despite the fact that I have a name and a whole catalogue of backstory, I need an excuse to talk a lot to make up for my pathetic amount of screentime and show off my wonderful Doctor-ness.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
GREAT BIG THREATENING BUTTON: Notice me!
DOCTOR: Oooh … shiny! *presses great big threatening button*
ZOMBIFIED PEOPLE: We’re gonna jump!
CREEPY BLUE LIGHT: *vanishes*
ZOMBIFIED PEOPLE: Or not.
AUDIENCE: OMGWTF?!
DOCTOR: See? It was all just a clever trick involving something very voodoo-like to do with using the blood to hypnotise people.
AUDIENCE: …
DOCTOR: The Lion King is the best film EVAAAAAAR!
AUDIENCE: …
DOCTOR: Oh, what the hell. I KEEL YOU!
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU BACK!
IMPRESSIVE SWORD FIGHT: *begins*
SWORDS: *clash*
AUDIENCE: *are amazed*
DOCTOR: RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!
Outside on the wing of the Sycorax ship
DOCTOR: Wow … these aliens so totally have a big wing that I can get to by pressing another button which I’ve only just found.
AUDIENCE: WE DON’T CARE! GET ON WITH THE FIGHT!
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU!
DOCTOR: *falls over*
SYCORAX: *does a Darth Vadar on the Doctor*
AUDIENCE: OMGWTFHECUTHISHANDOFFOMG!
SYCORAX: You LOSE, sucker!
DOCTOR: *spontaneously regrows hand* Suck on THAT.
SYCORAX: Witchcraft!
DOCTOR: Time Lord.
NOTHING: *is cooler than that line*
DOCTOR: This new hand … it’s a FIGHTIN’ HAND!
EXCEPT: *that line*
IMPRESSIVE SWORD FIGHT: *continues*
DOCTOR: *reigns supreme with his shiny new hand*
SYCORAX: Ack.
DOCTOR: Bugger. Off.
SYCORAX: Sure, fine, whatever.
DOCTOR: Rad. Let’s all go home for turkey and eggnog!
SYCORAX: I KEEL YOU!
DOCTOR: PH34R THE SATSUMA OF SYCORAX DOOM!
SYCORAX: *falls spectacularly from collapsible wing which the Doctor apparently knew about and was able to activate by throwing a Satsuma at a button nearby*
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
Inside the Sycorax ship
DOCTOR: BUGGER. OFF.
ROSE: Yeah!
DOCTOR: Excuse me, who’s running this show now?
ROSE: …
Somewhere in London
TELEPORTER: *beams all the Earthlings and the TARDIS back down*
SYCORAX SHIP: RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!
HARRIET JONES: OMG we so totally kicked alien BUTT!
DOCTOR: …
HARRIET JONES: PRIME MINISTER!
DOCTOR: Yeah. And now the WHOLE UNIVERSE is going to know you’re here.
HARRIET JONES: Not MORE aliens?!
DOCTOR: Get used to it, bitch.
HARRIET JONES: Ok, that settles it. Tell Torchwood to fire the
SYCORAX SHIP: *explodes*
DOCTOR: OMGWTF?!
HARRIET JONES: …
DOCTOR: I KEEL YOU!
HARRIET JONES: Nah, you can’t kill me. You’re a hero to children across the country. Plus this is pre-watershed. So nyer.
DOCTOR: Fine. I’ll just bring down your government from within.
ALEX: *gets ready for his shining moment*
DOCTOR: Don’t you think she looks tired?
ALEX: …
AUDIENCE: OMGSOCLEVER!
Somewhere in the TARDIS
THE MUSIC: *is cheerfully upbeat despite the dead aliens*
DOCTOR: *is browsing through massive wardrobe*
AUDIENCE: Me wantses.
Jackie’s Flat
EVERYTHING: *is festive*
EVERYONE: *is having turkey and eggnog*
Somewhere in the TARDIS
DOCTOR: Mmm. Shiny new clothes.
FEMALE AUDIENCE: *drools*
Jackie’s flat
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT: *is everywhere*
JACKIE: Dude, we should so go outside.
ROSE: Why?
JACKIE: Cause … erm … cause … oh, just go!
ROSE: …
Outside
AUDIENCE: Now THAT looks like Christmas.
ROSE: Check it out! It’s SNOWING!
DOCTOR: Actually, it’s raining the remnants of dead aliens.
ROSE: …
AUDIENCE: …
DOCTOR: Still pretty Christmassy though, right?
ROSE: …
DOCTOR: So. We still gonna go galaxy-hopping?
ROSE: Totally!
DOCTOR: Rad.
JACKIE: OMGYOU’RESTILLGOINGWITHHIMOMGWTF?!
ROSE: Let me think … stay here and be condemned to a life of boredom, monotony and tedium, or go into the blue box and live out my life in the company of an alien with two hearts and a time machine … decisions, decisions …
AUDIENCE: …
DOCTOR: And just to make the transition from Ecclescake to SHINY NEW ME a little bit easier, I’ll recycle the word I ALWAYS USED last series.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: *whistles*
DOCTOR: It’s gonna be … FANTASTIC!
AUDIENCE: HELL YEAH!!!
DOCTOR: See you in April!
AUDIENCE: YEAH! … what? You’re leaving for FOUR MONTHS?!
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Blame the BBC.
BBC: *whistles*
AUDIENCE: Fine. MERRY CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAS!
The End