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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 16, 2005 14:37:36 GMT -5
*cowers* Eeep... what have I started??
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Aug 16, 2005 16:15:46 GMT -5
From the sounds of it, I think you started the apocalypse.
Not that I'm complaining... the world needs a good ending.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 17, 2005 12:24:03 GMT -5
When the first Mary-Sues had descended upon Legolas, shrieking gleefully at the sight of their snugglebunny completely at their mercy, Legolas had thought miserably, “Oh Eru, this is how I’m going to die…”
A few minutes later however, Legolas changed his mind. This wasn't how he was going to die - this was hell already.
Legolas had never got to hear the tale of when Bilbo and the dwarves were at the mercy of the three trolls, but if he had, he might have noticed a few similarities. He was still tied up and gagged on the ground; a little way away, the Mary-Sues were all discussing how best to enjoy this situation. I will not share what they said, because I would like to keep this PG, but I’m sure you can all imagine the sorts of horrible things that reached Legolas’s pointed ears…
Luckily, at this very moment, Aragorn and SilverStarLight (the daughter of Neo and Arwen, who had been kidnapped by Agent Smith at a young age, raised as his own, and sent back to Middle-earth to steal the One Ring) popped out of the Middle-earth Mary-Sue Plot Hole. He landed with a bump on the ground and looked around in a slightly dazed way. He quickly recovered, however, when he caught sight of Legolas and the Mary-Sues.
“Hey!” he shouted, leaping to his feet and drawing his sword. The Mary-Sues looked up from their plotting, and their eyes widened. First the elf completely at their mercy, now defensive and angry Aragorn striding towards them? This was their lucky day…
Five minutes later, they had re-assessed this situation, and were fleeing shrieking into the woods, many holding their heads where they had been hit with the Mary-Sue Mallet.
“And don’t come back!” shouted Aragorn after them. He started towards Legolas, reconsidered, and called after them, “Wait! Any Jedi, come back!”
“What?” said Legolas in tones of horror, “The Star Wars crossovers are the worst ones!”
“Trust me,” muttered Aragorn as several Mary-Sues turned round and came dashing back, eyes wide and eager. “Er – hello. I was just wondering, er, how you lovely young ladies-” Two of them fainted. “- managed to find your way into Middle-earth? That is, which plot hole you came through?”
“I came through no plot hole!” declared one of the Mary-Sues dramatically, “I, Lumiarilithanarael Skywalker, came here in my X-Wing to flee my father, Darth Vader, who is trying to make me join the Dark Side-”
“That’s just great,” said Aragorn quickly, “Where did you really come through?”
The Sues stared at him in confusion. Another one began, “I, Baravernarysilvia Halleberry, was sent here by the Emperor to assassinate Prince Legolas, who was really a The Lost Jedi but didn’t know it, but fell in love with him instead-” but quickly shut up when Aragorn drew his sword and held it against her neck.
“Lookit, girl, I couldn’t give half a fig which canon character you’re having a tragic love affair with. Now, tell me which plot hole you came through, or...” He shifted his sword from her neck to her long elegant hairstyle. “… Or you’re getting a haircut that no-one in all that galaxy could find attractive. Except maybe Wookies.”
Ten minutes later, the Mary-Sues were hurrying away looking scandalized, and Aragorn and the untied Legolas were making their way to the Star Wars plot hole.
“Nice move, Ranger,” said Legolas, rubbing his elbows and checking the Mary-Sues hadn’t stolen his socks, “Fun as that was, was there any point?”
“Oh, of course there was,” said Aragorn with a smile, “The Star Wars universe are obviously trying to mess stuff up here, so I say we return the favour…”
Legolas’s face broke into an identical evil grin. And everyone between Bree and the Lonely Mountain knew that when Aragorn and Legolas were together and grinning like that, there was going to be trouble.
Sadly, no-one in the Star Wars universe knew this, so when Aragorn and Legolas appeared out of nowhere in prequel trilogy Coruscant, no-one tried to stop them as they set off towards the Jedi Temple.
More fool them.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 17, 2005 12:24:58 GMT -5
The Council of Elrond had been going on for several hours now, and very little had been discussed. Shortly after Boromir’s call had been cut off, Aragorn had asked that all the characters there tell him something about themselves; he had then asked whether they could order a Lembas Pizza Takeway; he had then suggested they get the party started with a quick game of Spin-the-bottle.
After that awkward experience was over, Elrond cleared his throat loudly and said, “Now, to business-”
“To business!” cheered Aragorn, raising a bottle of elvish wine. Most of the other characters had already had to drink a fair amount to find Spin-the-Bottle a good idea, and so cheered in a slurred way, “TO BUSINESS!!!”
“Yes,” said Elrond, “Er, well said. Now-”
“Guys?” said Faramir, staggering to his feet and holding his bottle in the air, “I jusht wanna shay that Eowyn is teh mosht beautiful girl in the ENTIRE world!”
“Ahhh!” said Eowyn, a large slightly dazed smile on her face, also lurching to her feet and hanging onto his arm, “That’s so SWEET! I wuv oo too, my big strong ranger!”
“I wuv oo more, my liddle sexy shieldmaiden,” grinned Faramir, poking her nose.
“No, I wuv OO more, my-”
“Please!” interjected Eomer, looking ill, “I’m already trying hard enough not to be sick, please keep fawning over my sister until I’m out of earshot.”
Faramir and Eowyn collapsed giggling into their seats again, and kept whispering to each other and giggling. Eomer made a strange noise and edged his chair away.
“Anyway,” said Elrond eventually, “I propose-”
“I propose we break for lunch,” said Gimli, raising his hand.
“We just had Lembas Pizza!” said Elrond in amazement.
“I propose the dwarf washes his hair!” said Haldir, raising his hand.
“I propose the elf shuts up!” said Gimli.
“I propose the dwarf be used to scrub toilets!” said Haldir.
“I propose the elf be dumped in the river!”
“I propose the dwarf takes a hike!”
“I propose the elf be kicked in the-”
“SILENCE!” yelled Elrond as Haldir and Gimli leapt to their feet and started shoving each other.
“He’s right!” said Aragorn, “There’s only way to settle a fight like this – SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!”
“Oh no…” moaned Elrond, but everyone in the Council cheered and leapt to their feet to follow Aragorn, Haldir and Gimli into the Games Room.
***
I've suddenly realized that I'm running out of chapters.... I only have a few pages left... I'd better get writing....
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Aug 17, 2005 20:37:13 GMT -5
Yes indeed!
*bounces excitedly*
This is so GOOD!
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 18, 2005 15:14:45 GMT -5
Yaaaay!
*big smile* *warm fuzzies*
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Aug 18, 2005 22:23:43 GMT -5
*sends more warm fuzzies*
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 20, 2005 3:47:06 GMT -5
EEEEEE *dances in the cloud of warm fuzzies*
Anyway - next chapter, to be posted when I return from Frankie's and before I go to Nottingham, shows just where Gandalf, old Obi-Wan and Dumbledore have been...
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Aug 20, 2005 20:30:47 GMT -5
Oh goodie.
*bounces up and down*
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 22, 2005 6:12:15 GMT -5
Aaaand Frankie and I had an idea which had us in hysterics for quite a while, involving Voldemort....
....
oh right, you'll kill me if I don't update NOW.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 22, 2005 6:13:16 GMT -5
Meanwhile, in a strange tavern in the middle of a thriving city, a more peaceful conversation was taking place.
“It really is very kind of both of you to come,” said Dumbledore, “Do order a drink, if you want one.”
“Well, these are troubling times,” replied Gandalf, “With this NERD review coming up, most fandoms are forgetting the canon and seeking to sabotage each other in any way possible… and I personally wouldn’t trust a single item of food in this place,” he added, looking around the crammed filthy interior with a look of refined mild horror on his face. “What did you say it was called?”
“The Mended Drum,” said Dumbledore, “In another Fandom. We needed to meet in neutral territory…”
Obi-Wan was sitting on his stool and looking around in a slightly uneasy way. “This is more scummy and villainy than Mos Eisley…”
“Of course,” said Dumbledore, barely flinching as two bottles went whizzing by his head, closely followed by the man who had recently thrown them, “Now – this NERD review.”
“Causing a lot of trouble,” tutted Gandalf.
“Indeed. Your fandom especially, Master Kenobi, seems to be picking fights with others…”
“Hey,” said Obi-Wan, raising his hands defensively, “That’s the Emperor’s fault. First I knew of it was young Luke phoning me and asking for directions to Mirkwood.”
“Mirkwood?” said Gandalf, eyebrows shooting up in alarm. And he had quite considerable eyebrows in order to express his anxiety, so no-one was left in any doubt.
“Exactly,” said Dumbledore, “All this fighting, all this conflict… all it does is drive us apart, so that small fandoms like teen romantic comedies have a chance with the NERD review.”
“Surely not!” said Obi-Wan in horror.
“Oh yes.”
“But wait, Dumbledore,” said Gandalf, “Are you saying we should all just stop trying to promote our fandoms and let the NERDS decide which is best based on actual facts?”
The three wizards actually managed to keep straight faces for a few seconds, but then they all burst out laughing.
“Dear Gandalf,” sighed Dumbledore, wiping away tears of mirth when their laughter subsided, unaware that everyone in the Mended Drum had looked up at them in confusion – laughter from pure amusement was a sound rarely heard there – “of course I am not suggesting such an absurdity. I just recommend we refrain from irreversible damage to each other’s fandoms – make sure no-one gets killed, for example.”
“Oh yes, I’d agree there,” said Obi-Wan, “No-one wants death.”
“Except for Jar-Jar,” said Gandalf quickly.
“Except for Jar-Jar,” allowed Obi-Wan, “And we’re working on it, I promise you… it’s just very difficult to kill CGI characters. All weapons go straight through them, you see, them just being pixels. But how can we stop people killing each other? I couldn’t stop Anakin with the Jedi…”
“You could have not sent him, the young inexperienced confused Padawan, with the love of his life into the middle of a secluded and extremely romantic area,” pointed out Gandalf.
“Well, if we’re getting onto that,” said Obi-Wan, bristling, “I could very well question you sending the One Ring off with a hobbit, instead of just getting Gwaihir to drop it into Mount Doom.”
Gandalf rolled his eyes. “How many times?? The eagles are their own race, they didn’t really care about the war, they could have been shot down-”
“My friends,” said Dumbledore firmly, “We are not here to question each other’s plot decisions. We are here to decide how we’re going to limit the damage done to each other.”
“I agree with the no death rule,” said Obi-Wan, “But how are you going to manage it?”
“Well, that’s one of the reasons we’re meeting here,” said Dumbledore brightly, “I got in contact with an old friend of mine recently - he is quite willing to help us out.”
“But… how can he help us?” asked Gandalf, frowning.
“Oh, quite easily,” said Dumbledore lightly, “Considering his area of work… ah, here he is now!” he said cheerily, looking over their shoulders.
Obi-Wan and Gandalf span round to find a black robed figure standing directly behind them. Their eyes struggled between the pure darkness of his cloak, the scythe he was holding in one skeletal hand (which was so sharp it cleaved light, causing a faint blue glow around the blade) and the small blue pinpricks of light in the depths of its skull, like distant stars.
“How are you this evening, Death?” asked Dumbledore warmly.
COULD BE WORSE, said Death in leaden tones, sitting in a chair next to Obi-Wan, who looked less than happy about the seating arrangements. JUST HAD A BIT OF TROUBLE PERSUADING A MONK THAT HE WAS DEAD.
“I thought monks were generally very open to the process?” said Dumbledore, in tones of someone having a completely normal and slightly interesting conversation.
THIS MONK WAS A MEMBER OF A CULT WHICH IS CERTAIN IT HAS ACHIEVED IMMORTALITY, said Death grimly – not that he could manage many other tones of voice very successfully – and signalled the barman to bring him a drink. The barman brought it over, looking slightly dazed, and wandered away looking thoroughly confused.
“No-one else can see him, by the way,” added Dumbledore conversationally to Obi-Wan and Gandalf, “So, Death – I mentioned to you earlier about the trouble we were having?”
AH YES, said Death, MAKING SURE THERE ARE NO FATALITIES IN THIS TROUBLE OF YOURS?
“Exactly.”
EXPECTING MUCH DEATH, WERE YOU?
“Well, you can’t be too prepared… deaths actually in the canon reverse themselves after a while when the plot rewinds, but if anyone is killed out of the canon, well, they’d stay dead and drop out of the story.”
I SEE YOUR PROBLEM.
“Good good. So, can you help?”
Death replaced his empty glass on the bar (no-one had seen how he’d managed to drink it) and looked thoughtful. Technically, considering he was just a skull, he lacked the proper muscles to manage it, but he made a considerable effort. SUPPOSE SO, he said eventually, I’LL HAVE TO GET THAT BOY, MORT, TO TAKE OVER ROUNDS HERE, OF COURSE.
“We are very grateful. Sorry for any inconvenience it might cause.”
NO, IT’S NO TROUBLE, said Death, getting to his feet and picking up his scythe where he’d rested it against the bar (the blade narrowly missing Obi-Wan’s head) VERY ENTHUSIASTIC LAD, VERY TRUSTWORTHY – AS LONG AS NO PRINCESSES ARE INVOLVED, OF COURSE, he added slightly darkly. And considering his tone of voice was already extremely dark, just this slight increase made Obi-Wan and Gandalf shudder. WELL, GOT TO BE OFF – THERE’S AN ASSASSINATION IN STO HELIT IN A FEW MINUTES. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, DUMBLEDORE.
“Give my best wishes to Albert,” called Dumbledore as Death strode away through the wall. “Nice chap,” he added to Obi-Wan and Gandalf, “Lovely manners.”
Er.... I don't have any more. That's it. Sooo I'd better go get writing again..... eeep....
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Aug 22, 2005 21:18:18 GMT -5
YAY! I LOVE DEATH!
He's my favorite character of Terry Pratchett's!
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 23, 2005 3:05:22 GMT -5
He is teh awesome. No question.
And I've written more now... I'm just not posting it yet.
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Aug 23, 2005 23:38:02 GMT -5
And why not?
0_0
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 24, 2005 12:12:02 GMT -5
Because... erm....
I wanted to make you wait...
But here it is now!!! More coming!!
If Darth Vader had been having a bad day when he discovered their rivalry in the NERD review, Lord Voldemort was having a worse one. He was also having problems with laundry, dermatitis and lack of waffles. He hadn’t accidentally fallen down a large hole (“It’s ventilation for the reactor core,” an Imperial official had tried to explain to Darth Vader – rather boring last words, but at least he didn’t give up), but he had recently been thwarted by Harry Potter again. To be defeated once was understandable, twice was bad luck, but by now it was just getting embarrassing.
Normally, he would just torture a couple of Death Eaters, talk to his psychotherapist (or just save time and torture his psychotherapist) and move on. But, to his astonishment, he seemed to be becoming disheartened.
Also, he was finding it extremely difficult to concentrate on his evil plotting at the moment. A new batch of Hogwarts students had just got their Apparition licences, and he was yet again regretting setting himself up as a specific Apparition point. It had been so that the Death Eaters could find him wherever he was – but, unfortunately, the students could Apparate next to him as well.
There was a time, he thought irritably, when people wouldn’t dare come near him. But now, thanks to that Potter boy, a new student was popping out of the air every five minutes, just long enough to do something annoying and then vanishing again before he could point his wand at them.
Bloody teenagers.
“I get knocked down! But I get up again! No, you’re never gonna keep me down!” the latest group belted out loudly, having appeared in the middle of his latest brainstorming session. “I get knocked down!”
“You little-” he had snarled, but they disappeared giggling before he could finish his sentence. With a sigh of frustration, he sat back in his seat again. They had only been there for a few seconds, but the damage was done – he’d have that song stuck in his head all day.
Memory charms were invented for this very reason, he thought with no small amount of relief. But before he could magically erase Chumbawumba from his head and save him several hours of irritation, there was a knock at the door.
He looked mournfully from his wand to the door, and called, “Yes?”
To his mild surprise, Darth Vader and Sauron walked in. Well, Darth Vader strode in impressively, Imperial March blasting from the I-Pod on his chest, and Sauron sort of glided in his Massive Flaming Eye o’ Doom™ shape.
To his credit, Voldemort regained his voice after only a few seconds. “Can I help you?”
Darth Vader and Sauron looked down on him. Even though all Voldemort could see was a mask and an eyeball, he got the distinct impression that they disapproved of him.
“You are the Evil Overlord of this fandom?” said Darth Vader. Voldemort thought he could detect a tone of disdain in his mechanical voice.
“Errr – well, I’m working on it…”
Darth Vader and Sauron exchanged looks. “I see,” said Darth Vader, and the two of them sat down opposite him.
Voldemort felt a stir of irritation. “Can I help you?” he asked again.
“Not really,” said Sauron, “WE are here to help YOU. This is Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, and I am the Dark Lord Sauron of Middle-earth-”
“I thought you were defeated,” said Voldemort slightly smugly.
If Sauron had an eyebrow, Voldemort was sure he would be on the receiving end of a glare at that moment. As it was, the flames burning around his eye flared out, burning the upholstery.
Darth Vader tried to pat him reassuringly, but quickly stopped when his glove got singed. “Yes, Voldemort, he technically was defeated-”
“But I was defeated by the all the united armies of the West,” pointed out Sauron irritably, “You are constantly defeated by a teenager.”
“Oh, and that’s so much worse than a hobbit,” shot back Voldemort.
Before Sauron could singe more of Voldemort’s soft furnishings, Darth Vader quickly cut in, “Well, actually, Voldemort, we were thinking that we might offer you some help with defeating this Harry.”
“I don’t need help,” snapped Voldemort.
“Really?” said Darth Vader mildly, “How many times is it that you’ve been defeated by him now?”
“Four times.”
“Are you counting the time he destroyed the memory of yourself in the Chamber of Secrets with only a hat and a phoenix?”
Voldemort’s shoulders slumped slightly. “All right, five.”
“I thought so. Did he have any aids? Any super-powerful weapons to protect him?”
“Errr… well, he had a wand…”
“You did too, didn’t you?”
“Er… yes…”
“How large was his army?”
“Er…”
“He did have incredibly powerful allies, didn’t he?”
Voldemort’s shoulders continued to sag. “He had five people with him last time…”
“Ah. And they were?”
Voldemort suddenly felt extremely small. “Just his schoolfriends…”
“And he was on his own the rest of the time?”
“Er… well…” Voldemort hung his head. “Yes.”
Darth Vader sat back. Behind his mask, he was smiling. This was almost too easy. He watched Voldemort staring morosely at the floor, so deep in thought that he didn’t notice a teenage boy popping into the air behind him and sticking an ‘IMPERIUS ME’ sign onto his back, and vanishing with a stifled laugh.
“So… you’re finding it quite difficult to defeat him, then?” asked Sauron innocently.
“It’s the canon!” wailed Voldemort miserably, “It’s being strung out over seven books, I can’t have a final showdown until the seventh…”
“Does the canon make the Dark Lord, or the Dark Lord make the canon?” asked Sauron in a mystical voice.
“If you really wanted to dispose of Harry, you could rebel against the canon,” pointed out Darth Vader, “He would be resurrected when the plot rewound.”
“He – he would?” Voldemort looked from Darth Vader to Sauron in surprise. “I hadn’t heard that…”
“Well, you’re a new fandom, aren’t you?” said Darth Vader in tones coming close to innocent, “You haven’t been around that long… But it’s true. You could rebel against the canon and kill Harry, but when the canon automatically rewinds, he’d come back again, no harm done.”
Voldemort struggled to grasp this idea. It seemed so amazing, so wonderful – if he could just kill Harry once, he was sure he would find the idea of his inevitable defeat far more acceptable… but something was distracting him…
“WOULD WHICHEVER KID IS HUMMING PLEASE GET OUT??” he yelled suddenly. There was a giggle from the corner, and an arm stuck out from under an Invisibility Cloak and waved, and then vanished.
“They do that…” muttered Voldemort angrily, “Just stand behind me humming…”
“You could get revenge,” said Sauron slyly, “Get revenge on them all…”
Voldemort was tempted. Ohh, he was tempted.
“If you decide to,” said Darth Vader, rising to his feet, “then I’d pay a visit to Hogwarts. A certain Professor Rumansa seems out to kill Harry as well. Maybe you could work together?”
Voldemort jerked his head up. “Someone else is trying to kill Harry??”
“Oh yes,” said Sauron, looking around innocently – and, him being just an eyeball, this was quite a sight – “Out of canon, as well. But, of course, it wouldn’t cause any harm…”
Darth Vader and Sauron left grinning. Voldemort was left alone, a smile spreading over his face. Well, that settled it. If anyone was going to kill Harry, it would be him.
Frankie and I had the idea of various things we would do to annoy Voldemort if we could apparate... that's what spending far too much time together and playing the HP2 Playstation game will do to you...
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