Lord of the Madness - long rambly version

[Hobbit-eyes]

Here is the original Lord of the Rings parody... now when I read it I am baffled, wondering how I thought it funny at the time... but Thea wanted it, so here you go.



Scene 1 - Prologue

BOOK OBSESSED FANS: If this isn’t good, we are so setting orcs on Peter Jackson.

AUDIENCE: This doesn’t bode well with us… Hmm, black screen. Has darkness fallen on Middle-earth already, then?

GALADRIEL: The book is changed... I see it in the plot… I see it in the screenplay... I hear it on the fansites. Much that once was... is lost. For none now live who remember that Frodo and Sam DON'T go to Osgiliath…

AUDIENCE: What?

ALL POWERFUL INSANE PERSON WHO WRITES THIS STORY: They DON'T!!!!

GALADRIEL: This film begins with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the elves. Immortal, wisest, fairest, smartest, fastest, best looking, most artistic, nicest smelling-

GIMLI: I told you we shouldn't have let an elf do the commentary!

GALADRIEL: - with best fingernails, coolest, funkiest, niftiest -

GANDALF: Get on with it!

GALADRIEL: Make me!

GANDALF: Fine, Pippin do the commentary!

PIPPIN: Oh, OK!

GALADRIEL: Nooo! (is dragged away by hobbit kids)

PIPPIN: Right, so three rings were given to those elves.

GALADRIEL: Oooh, this ring comes with a fan heater!

CIRDAN & GIL-GALAD: Cameos rock.

PIPPIN: And seven went to those dwarves, who are basically hobbits that forgot to shave.

DWARF #1: Har har! We got four more rings than the elves!

GALADRIEL: Actually, why DID they get more rings? We were the ones who made them!

THRANDUIL: Stop complaining! At least you GOT a ring! The Ring that was meant for me went to the wizard!

GANDALF: I have a NAME! It's GANDALF!

SARUMAN: No, it's GUNDULF!

PIPPIN: And nine were given to Men, who above all else desire- um, what do guys desire?

GALADRIEL: It says in the script 'power'.

GANDALF: Pfffft! Like I'm gonna believe that!

BOROMIR: Britney Spears?

LEGOLAS: (snort) She is soooo five years ago.

PIPPIN: Who above all else desire Power…ball tabs, brought to you by Istari White Dishwasher powder - for results so clear they actually shine!

EVERYONE: (blink)

GALADRIEL: Pippin, we said NO ENDORSEMENTS!!!

PIPPIN: You did?

GALADRIEL: YES. Even the smallest endorsement can change the course of the movie.

PIPPIN: Oh. Anyway, remember, folks. Greed is BAD. Don’t worry if you forget, you’ll have it hammered into your head over the next three years. Back to the plot. They were all of them deceived...

AUDIENCE: That can't be good.

BOOK OBSESSED FANS: It's not.

PIPPIN: ... for another Ring was made.

AUDIENCE: Is that all?

BOOK OBSESSED FANS: ALL?!?!?!

PIPPIN: In the Land of Mordor-

ELROND: You're not saying it right! It's Morrrrrrdorrrrrrrr!

GALADRIEL: Oh, yes, and you're perfect at pronouncing everything. Pity it takes you ten times longer than anyone else!

NEO: Hell yeah!

ELROND: Misssterrrr Aaaaanderrrsonnnn!

NEO: Hell no! *runs off*

PIPPIN: Can I continue being dramatic now?

EVERYONE: Yes.

PIPPIN: In the fires of Mount Doom-

AUDIENCE: Well, THAT'S an original name.

ELVES: Which is why we call it Orodruin. Which seems to have been forgotten in the process of making a million and a half gelatine elf ears.

PIPPIN: - the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a Master Ring to control all others...

AUDIENCE: That really can't be good.

BOOK OBSESSED FANS: Gee, you think so?

SAURON: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHA (breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

GALADRIEL: Are you done?

SAURON: Well, if a Dark Lord's not allowed to cackle when he's trying to take over the world, when can he cackle?

PIPPIN: -to control all others.

SAURON: FEAR ME PUNY MORTALS!!!! FOR I CAN LIFT MY ARM WHILE STILL WEARING MY STUPIDLY OVERSIZED ARMOUR!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- ack. I think I swallowed a bit of ash...

PIPPIN: LOSER!!!!!

GALADRIEL: PIPPIN!!!

PIPPIN: Oh, right, the sticking to the script thing... and into this Ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life...

SAURON: Hmmm... one part gold, ten parts soul...

PIPPIN: One Ring to rule them all. And eventually make a movie. One by one the free lands of Middle Earth fell to the power of the Ring.

ORC #1: Burn!

ORC #2: Pillage!

ORC #3: Destroy!

ORC #4: Kill!

ORC #5: And generally not be very nice!

ORC #6: We are SO badass!

AUDIENCE: Hoo, bummer.

PIPPIN: But there were some who resisted!

BOOK OBSESSED FANS: Whooo! Go Gil-Galad! Go Elendil! Go Gil-Galad! Go Elendil!

ORC #737: Oooh, some Last Alliance soldiers are in for an ass-whoppin!

ORCS: (blink)

ORC #512: Must you?

ELF ARMY: We shoot with such style.

ORCS: Well, we just growl and grunt. Scared?

ELF ARMY: No.

ORCS: Crap.

ELROND: HEY! WATCH THE HAIR!!!!

MEN: I thought elves were supposed to be BEAUTIFUL?

ELROND: Are you implying something?

ORC #1957: Kill!

ORC #78: Growl!

GIL-GALAD: Stab!

ELENDIL: Raaaaargh!

ELROND: Uh-oh.

SAURON: Sorry I'm late... did I miss anything?

ARMY: Meep.

MACE: Fwooosh.

ARMY: Owie.

ELENDIL: Ow clang.

ISILDUR: You killed my father!

SAURON: No, Isildur, I AM your father...

ISILDUR: ...... What?

SAURON: Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. Couldn't resist doing a Darth. Ooooh, a penny!

NARSIL: Slice.

RING: Oh great. You just HAD to wear me while you made your appearance, didn’t you?

SAURON: Boom.

PIPPIN: And thus the Mexican wave was born...

ISILDUR: I didn't do it!

ARMY: Praise Isildur, for he killed the Dark Lord!

ISILDUR: Oh yeah, I did. Heh. Pretty Ring! Hey, it shrunk! It's so difficult to find good quality Rings of Power nowadays...

PIPPIN: Isildur now had the chance to destroy evil forever... but the hearts of men are easily corrupted.

AUDIENCE: I think we’re insulted… I think.

PIPPIN: And so the spirit of Sauron fled to a forest in the east, and everyone thought he was dead.

HARRY POTTER: Sound familiar?

ISILDUR: Aaah, nice stroll along some creepy old path...

ORCS: We're here to teach you that you should ALWAYS take the chance of destroying evil forever.

ISILDUR: Damn retribution...

ELROND: Told you so!

ISILDUR: Amazing I can float with all this armour.

RING: Oh great, legend's becoming myth... What's the difference between those anyway?

PIPPIN: The Ring passed out of all knowledge...

RING: Oh, THAT makes me feel wanted. Anyone for Scrabble?

PIPPIN: But one day, the Ring ensnared a new bearer...

FRODO FANGIRLS: Frodo?

BOOK OBSESSED FANS: Not for another five hundred and sixty one years...

FRODO FANGIRLS: Oh... How long is this prologue?

GOLLUM: My Prrrreciousssssss...

AUDIENCE: Um, ew.

PIPPIN: The Ring came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the Misty Mountains.

CREEPY FIGURE: It came to me... my only... my love... my only... my... Legolas....

GOLLUM: Ack! Fangirl! This is MY brooding cave!

FANGIRL: Oh... this isn't Mirkwood?

LEGOLAS: HEY!

FANGIRL: What? It's murky enough...

PIPPIN: And there it consumed him.

RING: Mmmm, creepy ancient hobbit!

PIPPIN: Not that kind of consumed!

RING: Oops...

GOLLUM: I'm so tragic it's not even funny.

PIPPIN: The Ring perceived... its time had now come.

RING: Boing! Ting! Bonk!

PIPPIN: But something happened then the Ring did not intend... It was picked up by the - (reads ahead) Hey! I resent that! We hobbits are not unlikely!

GALADRIEL: Just read the damn script!

PIPPIN: It was picked up by the coolest, funkiest, handsomest creature imaginable... ME!!!!!

BOOK OBSESSED FANS: Huh?

BILBO: Um, actually, I picked it up.

PIPPIN: Oh. It was picked up the most-taped-back-face-to-make-look-fifty- years-younger creature imaginable... a hobbit. Bilbo Baggins of the Shire.

BILBO: What’s this?… Wow, it’s a plot device!

AUDIENCE: Awwww, he's so ickle and squat!

GOLLUM: Ack! Nooo! Precious has lost! Why doesn't Tirith United EVER win?

PIPPIN: For the time was coming when hobbits would shape the fortunes of all... Especially Peter Jackson's.

[goblingirl]

*grins and huggles* You do so much for me nowdays! Open universities, start Latin courses, post really old parodies...........Thank you! Perhaps I should try and work out something I could do for you...would you like a bit of my story in actually story form, as opposed to hurried summary on MSN that was cut short form? If you say no I won't be offended. Or I could actually write my Halloween story!

[Hobbit-eyes]

You could! But I don't need anything. I am here to serve, as always. *bows* But feel free to post your story on the thread for youse guys stories.

[goblingirl]

okay....must write....arg.....time......am wasting..arg

[Hobbit-eyes]

PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!... tomorrow.

[goblingirl]

Or the day after....I'm really, um, busy

[Hobbit-eyes]

Maybe next week some time...

[goblingirl]

Soon, anyway

[reasonably_crazy]

heh. It wasn't as funny as I remembered... but it definitely had it's moments, I admit.

[Hobbit-eyes]

I know - I look back on it now, and I think "What the heck was that??"

[goblingirl]

It is my beseting sin that I have never actually read LotR....but I did try. Oh, I tried. And then my dad stole TTT just when I was getting into it

[Hobbit-eyes]

It was around TTT that I lost it the first time I tried to read it. I kind of skimmed through 'The King of the Golden Hall', because I didn't think it was important, and only realized halfway through the Helm's Deep chapter that a) The King of the Golden Hall was still there, and I didn't know who he was, and b) that there was some big battle going on.

[goblingirl]

Heh heh

[Hobbit-eyes]

I just thought Helm's Deep was a hill... then I realized they were defending it for some reason...

[goblingirl]

*wipes eyes* Oh dear