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Post by goblingirl on May 20, 2006 13:47:25 GMT -5
*stamps* IT IS!
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on May 24, 2006 15:09:05 GMT -5
Aaaaaanyway.... here's Rise of the Cybermen.
Scary Airship Lab
Trigger Lumic: IT’S ALIIIIVE!
Scientist: I know, yay! Buuuut even though it’s your life’s work and we’ve had to invest lots of money in it and we’re on an airship with no way of me getting off lest you decide to kill me… we have to tell the Geneva Convention.
Lumic: Say what?
Scientist: Well, these things are sentient and self-aware, so do they deserve human rights?...
Lumic: What? Ethical issues? Not in MY episode! ZAPPIFY HIM!
Scientist: *is zappified*
Audience: He brought that on himself.
TARDIS
Rose: …And then YOU said-
The Doctor: “That’s not a werewolf, that’s a lupine-wavelength haemovariform!”
Rose & The Doctor: LOL!
Mickey: Haha, yeah… so, what’s this ultra-important button I’ve been holding?
The Doctor: Ah, that’d be the Third Wheel Distract-o-matic. You can let go of it now.
[SUDDENLY! The TARDIS starts plummeting through EXPENSIVE CGI!]
The Doctor: EEEK!!
Mickey: I DIDN’T TOUCH ANYTHING!!
TARDIS: Thanks for nothing, bitches. *PHUT*
The Doctor: ZOMGNOOOOMYLITTLETARDIS!!! IT WAS TOO YOUNG!!!
Rose: Can you translate that for those of us who don’t speak hysterical Time Lord?
The Doctor: WE’RE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOTHINGNESS!! THERE’S NO WAY OF GETTING BACK!!! AND WE JUST! RAN! OUT! OF! MUFFINS!
Mickey: Hate to interrupt your hissy fit, but…
Alternate London
Mickey: … we’re actually in London. It must be a parallel universe!
Rose: … what??
Mickey: What, you never saw Star Trek?
Rose: No, seriously - We end up in a parallel universe and we’re STILL in cunningly disguised Cardiff London?
The Doctor: London - with zeppelins!
Rose: OK… so there’s a load of zeppelins, seems to be a fair bit more CGI, and it’s actually SUNNY here… AND MY DAD’S ON A POSTER OMGBRB.
The Doctor: What? Rose, get back here! Remember last time??
Rose: He’s alive…
The Doctor: Reapers munching the world? Losing the TARDIS?
Rose: My dad’s still alive…
The Doctor: ME BEING EATEN RINGING ANY BELLS??
Rose: He’s still alive in this world…
The Doctor: TARDIS TO ROSE AVERT YOUR EYES FROM THE BAD BADNESS!!! No more destroying the world by creating paradoxes for you!
Rose: Awww.
The Ultra-Snazzy Tyler Residence
Pete Tyler: *IS ALIVE!*
Jackie Tyler: *IS SNOOTY!*
Rose: *IS A DOG!*
Lumic’s Zeppelin
Lumic: Mr Tyler, drop everything and meet me at my zeppelin-port! Mrs Tyler, I’m going to invade your head and steal information so I can massacre everyone at your party! … And just to be thorough, I’m going to send someone over to kick their dog! BWAHAHAHAHA! I AM SO DAMN CRAZEE AND EVIL!
Audience: Not the dog! He’s out of his MIND!
TARDIS
The Doctor: Ashes to ashes, excess charisma to excess charisma… hang a tick, where’s Rose?
Mickey: Oh, just wandering around somewhere. I’m sure she’s not destroying the world.
The Doctor: … and you were dating how long?
Streets of Cardiff London
Rose: WHAT is with all the CGI ZEPPELINS? Ooh, never mind that, free stuff on phone.
Newsreader: Lumic gave us another handy-dandy random press conference today!
Lumic: The brain is AWESOME! But our flesh is weak! Papercuts HURT! You know what’s not weak? STEEL! Wouldn’t it be good if we were all STEEL?
Newsreader: Hahaha, a nice random not-at-all-foreshadowing-of-crazy-unethical-plans greeting from Mr Lumic there…
Lumic (O/S): CRAAAAAZEE AND EVIL!
Rose: Huh. So, in this alternate reality Trigger rules the world, is crazy and evil, and… sells zeppelins?
Newsreader: TORCHWOOD!
TARDIS
The Doctor: This is weird. We shouldn’t have been able to get here. Back when there were LOADS of Time Lords, oh, we were hopping about making paradoxes all the time.
Mickey: Then how did we get here?
The Doctor: *shrugs* Probably fell through one of the many plot holes created last week. But now we’re stuck – HANG ON OMG THERE’S SOMETHING GLOWING DOWN THERE!
Wasteland of Hungry Hungry Hobos
Cockerney man: FOOOOD! Cooome get your luvverly ‘FOOD’ here! THIS IS NOT A TRAP!
Hungry Hungry Hobos: Ooooh.
Random guy: Wait! Don’t go! It’s a trap!
Hungry Hungry Hobo: But… he said it wasn’t!
Random Guy: Seriously! All across London, they’re spiriting people away in Bad Vans and they don’t come back! They, like, experiment on you and stuff!
Hungry Hungry Hobo: When did you find that out? When you were presenting Newsround?
[Despite the protestations of what appears to be Westlife’s 6th member, the Hungry Hungry Hobos go forth unto the Van of Doom and are… er… well, we don’t know what happens, but we assume it is bad and painful. WOE.]
TARDIS
The Doctor: WHEEE THE LITTLE LIGHT IS ALIVE!!!
Mickey: What IS that, anyway?
The Doctor: My nightlight. BUT IT CAN SAVE US AAAALL!! Just with a little excess charisma to get it started!
[The Doctor blows on the Green NightLight o’ Salvation.]
The Doctor: I just gave up ten years of my life! SQUEEE!
Mickey: … I’m… happy for you?
Fangirls: WHAT??? TEN LESS YEARS OF TENNANT???
Rose’s Bench
Rose: So what have you guys been up to?
Mickey: The Doctor made his night light charismatic to save us all. You?
Rose: Oh, I’ve just been playing Snake on my phone.
The Doctor: No paradoxes then? Gooood Rose.
Rose: Um… about that… KTHNXBAI.
The Doctor: WHAT?
Mickey: Yeah, I’m off too.
The Doctor: WHAT? NEITHER OF YOU TAKE ONE MORE STEP! I’M THE DESIGNATED DRIVER, AND I SAY – WHY ARE YOU STILL LEAVING???
Rose: I wanna go cause paradoxes!
Mickey: I wanna go develop my character!
The Doctor: WAIT! NO! OBEY MEEE! HEEL! BAD ROSE! BAD MICKEY! OUTRAGE! FEEEEL THE OUTRAGE! Oh, whatever. Ugh, I NEVER had this trouble with Sarah Jane.
Zeppelin Port
Pete Tyler: Hey, Mr President!
President: My God, I was invited here along with a guy who makes health drinks?
Pete Tyler: I won ‘The Apprentice’.
President: Ah. Soooo, what kind of a man IS Lumic?
Pete Tyler: Weeeell, a little crazee sometimes, completely obsessed with robots and eternal life, keeps calling me Dave… but the dental plan’s good.
Checkpoint
Mickey: Can I go through here?
Guard: Sure, this bit’s kinda pointless.
Mickey: Sweet.
Streets
Rose: You know, Mickey actually has an interesting backstory too. Shame they made him so annoying in the first episode.
The Doctor: Don’t build it up too much, or you know he’ll die.
[Suddenly everyone stops right where they are. Across the nation, hundreds of innocent pedestrians frozen in the roads are hit by cars whose drivers have switched off, planes dive towards the ground, forgotten chip pans ignite and doctors in the middle of heart surgery ignore blood spilling out all over the operating table – all for…]
The Doctor: ‘Latest news from the Big Brother house’?? Sweet TARDIS, what kind of universe have we stumbled into??
Rose: … What our universe would be if we had the technology?
The Doctor: And lookie here… your not-dad is working for Cybus!
The Doctor’s Glasses: *are fawesome*
Rose: Soooo can we go can we go can we go huh huh can we?
The Doctor: … fine. But NO PARADOXES!
Rose: Whatever…
Mickey’s Gran’s House
Mickey’s Gran: HOW DARE YOU KNOCK ON MY DOOR YOU EVIL FIEND?
Mickey: It’s my gran all right!
Mickey’s Gran: Is that Ricky? Come here, my boy – and take THAT! And THAT!
Mickey: *tear* Domestic violence gives me warm fuzzy feelings!
Mickey’s Gran: Come on, let’s get you some tea! Nothing like an infusion of free radicals and tannin for healing the synapses!
Mickey: Saywha?
[SUDDENLY! Mickey is bundled into a BLUE VAN, driven by the Westlife reject and what appears to be his mum!]
Inside the Blue Van
Westlife reject: Across London they’re taking Hungry Hungry Hobos away in vans that belong to Cybus Industries! And btw you’re the most wanted man in London!
Mickey: WTF? I mean, er… yay?
Westlife reject’s designated driver, aka Mrs Moore: KIDS, I’M NOT DRIVING YOU ANYWHERE TILL YOU BUCKLE UP!
Lumic’s Zeppelin
Lumic: We can turn everyone metal and shiny!
President: Er, how ‘bout NO?
Lumic: But… I wanna be metal and shiny!
President: Tough. There are too many ethical issues.
Lumic: What?! I thought I got rid of them!!
Ethical Issues: Have to try harder than that, bitch.
President: Read my lips – NO, NO, NO, NONONO, NO and a big dollop of NO with NO sprinkles. *doorslam*
Pete Tyler: … I think that was a no.
Lumic: RARGH.
Lumic’s Lab
Lumic: I don’t care what the president says! I am governed by a higher command! The right of a man to survive!
Ethical Issues: Ohhh, look who came crawling back.
Lumic: START MAKING PEOPLE METAL AND SHINY!
Cockerney man: Hang a tick, just playing – turn left!
Hobo-Cybermen: *turn left*
Cockerney man: And right!
Hobo-Cybermen: *turn right*
Cockerney man: And left!
Hobo-Cybermen: *turn left*
Cockerney man: And right!
Hobo-Cybermen: *turn right*
Cockerney man: Teehee! I need to get out more.
Cybermen Construction Room
SlicyDice-o-matic-o-DOOM: *hacks, stabs, rips and maims*
Pop music: *covers the tortured screams of countless innocents*
The Doctor: *would be FURIOUS that part of the Lion King will never be the same again at aforementioned torture*
Base of the Scooby Gang
Ricky: Hey guys, what’s with the evil twin?
Westlife Reject & Mrs Moore: OMGWTF???
Mickey: EEP.
Outside the Tyler Residence
The Doctor: Ooh, they’re having a party!
Rose: Wheee, sausage roll time!
Inside the Tyler Residence
Rose: … you are DETERMINED not to have fun, aren't you?
The Doctor: Please. The audience HAD to see me in a tux.
And indeed, the female audience: *drools*
Rose: Oohthere’smydadg2g!
The Doctor: Hang on! What are we NOT going to do?
Rose: *sigh* Cause paradoxes.
The Doctor: There’s a good Rose.
Pete Tyler: *IS STILL ALIVE!*
Jackie Tyler: *IS STILL SNOOTY!*
Rose: They’re both so happy. Could I feel any worse right now?
Rose the dog: *IS STILL A DOG!*
Rose: …
The Doctor: HEEHEE.
Cybermen Loading Area
Cybermen: *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP*
Technician: Er, what are they?
Cockerney man: … asylum seekers. Why else would we be loading them into lorries?
At a Dark Computer Console Somewhere
Author: Ooh. Was that a topical slightly riské joke? SNAP.
Base of the Scooby Gang
[Mickey is naked except for his pants and tied to a chair. Oh yes. Doctor Who just. got. kinky.]
Westlife reject: He’s not a robot! He must be an evil twin!
Mickey: Wait, no I’m not! How else would I know that you used to dance around in ballet tights when you were 5 and asked everyone to call you Fairy Princess?
Ricky: …. Fine, he’s in. ANDNOWLETUSNEVERSPEAKOFTHATAGAIN.
Mrs Moore: Yo, Gemini just IMed me, they’re shipping loads of lorries out of Battersea.
Ricky: To the Mystery Machine!
Inside the Tyler Residence
Rose: Don’tcauseparadoxesdon’tcauseparadoxesdon’tcauseparadoxes HI!!!
Pete Tyler: Er, hi. Hey, guess what, I left my wife.
Rose: …
Pete Tyler: Ooh, champagne.
In the bushes outside
Ricky: What the hell are they?
Westlife Fan: Well, those footsteps are pretty doom-laden, but I haven’t seen the Chorus of Doom lately.
Earlier, at the Cybermen Construction Centre
Lumic: Throw them into the converter!
Chorus of Doom: But – but - we just came here as part of the soundtrack! We didn’t know you were going for inappropriate pop music!
Lumic: Tough! Your music is clichéd and over-dramatic!
Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[The Chorus of Doom are shoved into the SlicyDice-o-matic-o-Doom.]
Lumic: Damn, I AM SO DAMN EVIL.
Inside the Tyler Residence
[The Doctor is surfing the net, totally not looking at Clockwork Porn.]
The Doctor: Ohhh yeah, you turn those cogs, you naughty, naughty thing.
Tyler Residence Patio
Rose: Do you want some champagne? Or, you know, a nice cup of tea? Nothing like an infusion of free radicals and tannin for-
Jackie Tyler: SILENCE, PLEBE! *flounces off*
Rose's brain: I keep thinking things can’t get any worse, and they always do. Well, I’m not sure how they could now-
Floodlights: *DAZZLE!!*
Cybermen: *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP*
Rose: ... stupid irony.
Behind the Floodlights
Random technician: I still don’t see why we needed to spend so long finding a power socket for those floodlights before we could let the Cybermen march. Surely the element of surprise is what we’re going for?
Cockerney man: It wasn’t just the floodlights, we also had to roll out the stone flooring disguised as grass so that the Stomps o’ Doom make the right noise.
Inside the Tyler Residence
[The Doctor finds Lumic’s Biology and DT homework.]
Lumic: - so we, like, can totally turn people all metal and shiny! Bwahahaha! I’m CRAZEEEE!
The Doctor: Hang on – this isn’t clockwork porn! This is exposition!
Unidentified Metal Robots: *STOMP O’ IMPENDING DOOM*
The Doctor: But wait – this is the sixth episode of the season, counting TCI – so they’ll be introducing an old enemy – but what could it be? They’re METAL men… by CYBUS… without emotions…
Unidentified Metal Robots: *STOMP O’ IMPENDING DOOM*
The Doctor: Cybus… Men… without emotions…
Unidentified Metal Robots: *STOMP O’ IMMINENT DESTRUCTION*
The Doctor: Cybus… Men… made of metal…
Unidentified Metal Robots: *STOMP O’ APPROACHING DISASTER*
The Doctor: Cybus – Men –Metal - Men – Cybus –
Unidentified Metal Robots: *STOMP O’ FORTHCOMING CATASTROPHE*
The Doctor: ………… OMG!!
[The Doctor and Rose both run into the living room and share a silent ZOMG! Before running to the window and watching the Cybermen approach.]
The Doctor: This is SO BAD! SO VERY VERY BAD!
[Suddenly, Cybermen smash their way through the windows! I would make some joke about crashing the party, but… well.]
Party guests: WAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
The Doctor: See, THIS is why I don't go to parties!
Lumic: Mr President! I suppose some remark about ‘crashing the party’ would be appropriate!
Audience: *shivers at the pun* Damn, he IS evil!
President: What do you want, Lumic?
Lumic: I want everyone to be metal and shiny!
Rose: What are they?
The Doctor: Basically people but metallic and without emotions.
Rose: Why without emotions?
The Doctor: Well, if YOU were kidnapped, had your skin carved off you and muscle torn to shreds and your nervous system ripped from you and your skull cracked in half while they wrenched your still-conscious brain from your destroyed body… I think you’d have empathy problems too.
Rose: …
Lumic: Now I must go, my Chorus of Doom Cybermen are going to give me a concert!
The Doctor: NOT THE CHORUS OF DOOM!!! DAMN YOU, LUMIC!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!
Cyberman: We are the Video iPod to your CD player. Everyone must upgrade. Even if you only have shoddy Dial-up instead of Broadband.
The President: What happens if I refuse?
The Doctor: DON’T ASK THAT!
The President: What happens then?
The Doctor: Seriously!! Have you NEVER seen a James Bond film??
The President: What – happens – then?
The Doctor: LISTEN TO THE FOXY SCOTTISH WAITER!
The President: WHAT HAPPENS?
The Doctor: Agh, who am I to interfere with natural selection.
Cyberman: You will be deleted.
[The President is deleted – the politically correct term for ‘zappified with electricity’. As are all the other guests.]
The Doctor: FLEEEE!!!
Rose: But my mum’s in there!
The Doctor: THIS IS NO TIME FOR PARADOXES! SHE’S A SNOOTY BITCH ANYWAY!
Outside the Tyler Estate
[The Doctor, Rose and just-come-through-a-window Pete fleeeeee!!! The soundtrack feels strangely subtle and empty….]
Audience: *mourns the passing of the Chorus of Doom*
Ricky: GET BEHIND ME! *shoots the Cybermen*
The Doctor: Well, only gold bullets would have any chance of working, but, you know, top marks for effort.
Rose: OMGMICKEYHUGGLES!
Ricky: … yeah, no offence sweetheart, but OMG SOMEONE GET THE CRAZY WOMAN AWAY FROM ME.
Mickey: Evil twin, girlfriend, girlfriend, evil twin.
Rose: … awkward.
[Time for the Line of the Episode I couldn’t dream of topping:]
The Doctor: Oh, as if things weren’t bad enough, there’s two Mickeys!
Rose: And you’re always telling ME off for causing paradoxes!
The Doctor: Yeah, well, I assumed no-one would ever loff Mickey and so he wouldn’t have any family or friends to go hang with! No offence, of course.
Mickey: *bottom lip trembles*
The Doctor: Right, fleeing didn’t work, sooo what’s the next best thing to do?
Mickey: Maybe running away in the five minutes it took for them to reach us instead of standing around here pointing out that nobody loffs me?
Rose: I lo- well, I’m certainly fond of you!
The Doctor: Please, Captain Jack told me about the psychic paper.
Rose: He also told me you asked him about clockwork websites.
The Doctor: Hokaaaay, swiftly changing the subject, WE SURRENDER! WE’LL BE GOOD!
Cyberman: You are Mac. We only work with Microsoft software. DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!
Cyberman: EXTERMINATE!
Cybermen: Quiet, you.
Cyberman: Mummy?
Cybermen: AND YOU!
The Doctor: There is nothing about this situation which does not suck….
Rose: You know what would make it worse?
The Doctor: What?
Rose: If the episode ended here…
TO BE CONTINUED!!
The Doctor: Ach, irony hates us.
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Post by goblingirl on May 24, 2006 15:25:29 GMT -5
I AM MAC! *hides from Alex Cybermen*
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on May 24, 2006 15:31:27 GMT -5
You know Alex doesn't appreciate you calling him a cyberman...
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Post by goblingirl on May 24, 2006 15:34:30 GMT -5
*head peeks out from underneath table* Good.
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Post by gio on May 26, 2006 8:49:52 GMT -5
No borg jokes? Awwww
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on May 26, 2006 13:21:03 GMT -5
There are borg jokes?
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Post by goblingirl on May 29, 2006 17:42:44 GMT -5
Indeed yes. There are.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jun 26, 2006 8:59:56 GMT -5
Sorry 'bout the delay, folks.... exams are over now, so I can write the rest of these parodies! Squee! I'm handling 'School Reunion', 'Age of Steel', 'The Impossible Planet' & 'The Satan Pit', and 'Army of Ghosts' & 'Doomsday', and Carys is doing 'Girl in the Fireplace', 'The Idiot's Lantern', 'Love & Monsters' and 'Fear Her'.
Should be a new one soon!
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Post by goblingirl on Jun 26, 2006 10:24:09 GMT -5
If, ahem, you feel the need to let someone else do one, then I'm at the front of the queue.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jun 27, 2006 5:15:40 GMT -5
Do you want 'School Reunion'?
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Post by goblingirl on Jun 27, 2006 10:51:23 GMT -5
Yes please!
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jun 27, 2006 15:50:09 GMT -5
Sure, go ahead!
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Post by goblingirl on Jun 28, 2006 12:37:31 GMT -5
I need to unearth the taped version of it.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jul 19, 2006 17:37:49 GMT -5
I don't think I have one...
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