Post by Hobbit-eyes on Apr 22, 2006 11:56:14 GMT -5
I'm trying to write a parody of each episode as it's released... so that English people can laugh at it, and our American brethren can see what the hell we're squeeing about.
First up - New Earth!
Doctor Who: New Earth - in Fifteen Minutes
Powell Estate
The Doctor: Let’s get ready to RUUUMBLE!
Jackie: Look after yourself, dear, and remember not to let yourself get possessed by any time vortexes-
Mickey: I love you-
Rose: SEE YA, BITCHES! *doorslam*
Jackie & Mickey: ….
TARDIS instructions: Third and Fourth wheels not required.
The Doctor: We’ve mucked up Earth’s time continuum enough. Let’s go mess with someone else’s!
The Doctor’s Grin: *overpowers female audience*
Audience: *recover from catatonic state they’ve sunk into since The Christmas Invasion* WHEEE!!!
New Earth
The Doctor: Behold the ultra-shiny city!
Rose: Um, there’s nothing there.
The Doctor: Oh – hang a tick –
(He waves the sonic screwdriver at a green screen in front of them. An ultra-shiny city pings into view in front of them.)
Rose: Oh! Wow!
The Doctor: See how much better I am than Ecclescake? I take you to new planets.
Rose: … which are exactly like Earth, but CGI?
The Doctor: Plus the grass smells of apples.
Rose: …
The Doctor’s Grin: *dazzles*
Rose: SQUEEE I LOVE TRAVELLING!
The Doctor: Damn straight.
(The Doctor and Rose skip hand in hand through the apple-scented grass, then settle down to get a tan. Cue overly-sentimental music as RTD barely hides his Doctor/Rose shipperness.)
Metal spy spider hiding in bushes: ZOMG! I gotta show this to Bitchy McTrampoline – and Outpost Gallifrey! *scuttles off*
The Doctor: Basically, after Earth got meltified in Episode 2 last series, they tried to recreate it, but made it all shiny and stuff.
Rose: And… made the grass smell of apples?
The Doctor: Yes, I think they were showing off by that point.
Rose: Fair enough. So are we going to go over and check out that big shiny city?
The Doctor: … Nope, we’re going to that hospital over there. Some plot point keeps scribbling on my psychic paper.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Random Basement
Bitchy McTrampoline, aka Cassandra: OMG!
Cassandra’s Resident Gollum, aka Chip: I KNOW. He’s wearing converse with a suit?
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Lobby
The Doctor: Look how all big and shiny it is!
Rose: The NHS has certainly come on…
The Doctor: Well, they save money on wages – the Cat Nuns are paid in fish. Come, to the lifts!
Rose: Wibblesaywhacatnuns???
(They get separated, because hey, this is Doctor Who. They also get drenched in water, because it is FUNNY. Not because the female audience want to see Tennant wet. No. Not at all.)
RTD: *whistles innocently*
(Rose gets diverted to the basement-)
Audience: Russell T Davies had a bad experience going down in a lift to a basement, didn’t he?
(- and The Doctor continues up to the ward and is entirely unconcerned by her disappearance.)
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Basement
Rose: … OK, maybe the NHS hasn’t advanced THAT much.
Chip: THIS IS NOT A TRAP! Do not be disconcerted by the fact I know your name and caper oddly, or by the fact you’re not where you meant to end up! Just follow me completely trustingly!
Rose: Oh please, I’ve learnt way too much from being a companion to fall for THAT. I’m going to arm myself with something pointy first.
Chip: … but still follow me?
Rose: Well, yes.
Chip: That’s all right then.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: I don’t care it’s all white and shiny, I still want a sweet shop downstairs.
Cat Nun: We look after the patients. We take an oath to look after them in any way we can.
The Doctor: No rodent problems, I’m guessing?
Duke’s Bossy Lady: YOU MAY NOT LOOK UPON THE DUKE WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION! HE IS TOO SPECIAL TO BE BESMIRCHED BY YOUR GAZE!
The Doctor: He’s also blue. And about to become a lawn ornament. Hey, I wonder if I could get him in the TARDIS…
Cat Nun: Why are you here exactly?
The Doctor: Not shopping, evidently, just keeping an eye out for anyone from the last series – OMG FACE OF BOE BRB.
Face of Boe: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Another Cat Nun: He’s just sleeping, I’m afraid…
The Doctor: Hey, no worries. I spent most of the Christmas Invasion asleep.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Basement of Home Movie Nostalgia
(There is a random video playing of what looks like an extremely boring soiree thing without a sausage roll in sight.)
Rose: Wait a minute… that’s the woman from ‘My Family’! But she did the voice of-
Cassandra: OH YES!
Rose: FEAR MY POINTY IMPLEMENT OF DOOM!
Cassandra: Um, nah.
Chip: *fawns and adores*
Rose: But… how come you’re here? You went all splattified and stuff!
Chip: Yes, but her brain survived, and we still had skin from her back.
Rose: They kept it all this time? And it stayed alive? What was the point of that?
Cassandra: Ahem, apple grass.
Rose: Fair point.
Cassandra: The Cat Nuns are up to something, btw. Sooo I’m just going to be stealing your body, ‘kay?
*MIND ZAP!*
Rossandra: Oh my god! I’m a chav!
Author: *did not even bother trying to think of a better line*
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: Has anyone else come to see the Face?
Cat Nun: Nope. He’s the last of his race… entirely alone… having seen centuries past… are you empathizing with him yet?
The Doctor: Oh yes.
Cat Nun: And they say that when he dies, he’ll share some big secret he has with a random visitor, who’ll also be the last of his race, a traveller without a home, a lonely god, who wears converse with a geek chic suit and has a mole in the middle of his back.
The Doctor: …. And he’s dying right now, y’say?
Cat Nun: Yes.
The Doctor: SWEET.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Basement
Rossandra: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and – ooh, cleavage!
Chip: Bitchy McTrampoline is dead, though. *tear*
Rossandra: I said – CLEAVAGE. Hang a tick… that man she was with is the Doctor! But now he’s being played by David Tennant! SCORE!
(The Doctor, meanwhile, has finally got round to being vaguely concerned)
The Doctor: Rose, where are you? You didn’t find a shop, did you?
Rossandra: … The rayne in spayne falls maynely on the playne.
The Doctor: … Right. Anyway, turns out the Face of Boe is here, we were just chatting and turns out – OMG BLUE GUY BRB.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
Blue Normal coloured Guy: I’ll live to eat another day!
The Doctor: BUT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!!
Everyone in Ward 26: ….
The Doctor: …. I mean, good to see you, er, not blue. (aside) Mental note – find another lawn ornament for TARDIS.
Cat Nun Superior: Problem?
The Doctor: You cured him when it should have been impossible! Only I get to change history!
Cat Nun Superior: *does ‘Whatever’ claws* You’re not even a real doctor, anyway.
Cat Nuns: OH SNAP.
The Doctor: … now that was just uncalled for.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Lobby
Rossandra: Hair – volumised! Cleavage – exposed! Doctor, here I come!
Chip: … is there any point to this, or is it just Russell T Davies fulfilling a fantasy?
RTD: *whistles innocently*
Rossandra: Yes. The Cat Nuns are plotting something.
Chip: And why do you care?
Rossandra: I just watched Scooby Doo. I feel like investigating something.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Intensive Care
Cat Nun: Oh my. One of thezombies infected is awake.
Zombie Infected: Help meee!
Cat Nun 2: And it talks.
Zombie Infected: Please! Someone get me some Lemsip!
Cat Nun: Nifty. *SLAMS DOOR*
Zombie Infected: (behind door) Ow, my nose!
Cat Nun 2: Sooo, are we going to heal him, like in that oath we took?
Cat Nun: Nah. Activate the crispifying ray.
Zombie Infected: *CRISPIFIED*
Audience: *will never trust cats again*
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: Hey, Rose! Look, all these patients are alive when they should be dead!
The Doctor’s Glasses: *are fawesome*
Rossandra: Well, Doctor, this is a HOSPITAL – generally the dying of patients is what they’re trying to avoid.
The Doctor: … why do you sound like you’re auditioning for a part in ‘My Fair Lady’?
Rossandra: I… uh… POWER SMOOCH!!!
The Doctor: …………
Audience: ……….
RTD: *whistles innocently*
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Random Corridor
Rossandra: The Cat Nuns mentioned Intensive Care but there isn’t an Intensive Care listed on this here dandy terminal so we’ve got to access a sub-file so if we search here and click over there and cross over to here…
The Doctor: *is dead to world from power smooch*
Rossandra: … then this should activate a plot point!
(Sure enough, a massive door opens up)
Rossandra: Whee!
The Doctor: …………. wibble?
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: The Matrix Intensive Care
Rossandra: EW! SICK PERSON!
The Doctor: Nothing cures Power Smooch Hangovers better than RIGHTEOUS WRATH! I knew there was something wrong with this place the second I walked in!
Rossandra: What, the over cleanliness? The not-dying patients? The Cat Nuns?
The Doctor: No! They didn’t have a shop! Even Satellite 5 had a shop! And they have all this extra room back here, where they could fit in a MASSIVE shop, with all the different kinds of jelly babies – AND THEY CRAM IT WITH SICK PEOPLE!
Cat Nun: Our principles are more important than your precious shop!
The Doctor: NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SHOP.
Cat Nun: Look, we’re making people better! And these aren’t real people! They were specially grown! It’s better for them to die than all the healthy people out there!
Ethical issues: Didn’t expect to see US here, now, didja?
Rossandra: Sooo no-one knows about this? It’s entirely confidential?
Cat Nun: DUH.
The Doctor: Confidential? …. Four syllables? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ROSE?
Cat Nun: Hey, don’t look at us. We’re strictly mass-killing-based-on-principles-and-oaths type people.
Rossandra: You know, your tie is sooo…. geek chic…
The Doctor: You’re not going to power smooch me again, are you?
Rossandra: No, I’m just going to SPRAY YOU UNCONSCIOUS!!
The Doctor: Urk! Well… considering the alternative… *hits ground*
Audience: Awww, not AGAIN… how much of this series is he going to spend asleep?
-
Rossandra: Harhar! Now you will be lurgied to death!
The Doctor: Can Time Lords even get sick??
Rossandra: Not through lack of trying. Now, Cat Nuns, give me money or I’ll tell everyone about the sick people!
Cat Nuns: Our claws are disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
Rossandra: Oookaaay… fine, EVERYONE gets lurgied to death! (unleashesZombies Infected)
The Doctor: What? YOUR PLAN MAKES NO SENSE!
Rossandra: Well, considering my last plan involved sabotaging a ship while I was still on it, I see this as a step forward!
Zombies Infected: Leeeemsiiiip….
Zombies Infected spokesman: We were aware of what you were doing! If we are aware of ourselves, does that make us properly alive and human?
Cat Nuns: Ooooh, they’re being philosophical!
Zombies Infected: LURGY!
Audience: Philosophy’s a bitch.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Stairwell
Rossandra: Did not think this through! DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!
The Doctor: If Rose gets ONE PUSTULE, my sonic screwdriver and you are going to have a little chat!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Everywhere
(There areZombies Infected, and they spread lurgy)
Everyone: WAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Random corridor
Chip: WAAAHHH!
Rossandra: Whatever, he’s a clone too.
Chip: HELP MEE!
The Doctor: Sorry! My sonic screwdriver doesn’t work on ethics!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Basement
Rossandra: Eeek! When I said everyone gets lurgied to death, I didn’t mean me!!
The Doctor: Whatever. Get out of my companion.
Rossandra: But I don’t even have a trampoline to possess!
The Doctor: FEAR MY SONIC SCREWDRIVER OF DOOM!!
Rossandra: … serious? That’s even worse than Rose’s pointy implement. What damage can it do, exactly?
The Doctor: … I can prod you repeatedly with it.
Rossandra: …
The Doctor: And shine the light in your eyes.
Rossandra: …
The Doctor: … SHIFT!
Rossandra: Fine! *makes like a Time Vortex and goes from Rose to the Doctor*
The Dossandra: Oh, BABY, I am way too good at being camp!
Rose: THAT IS OFFICIALLY TOO CREEPY.
The Dossandra: Oooh, yooou liiike the Doooctooor!
Rose: Who the hell doesn’t? RUN!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ladder of Climbyness – Outside Ward 26
Rose: Quick, open the lift doors with the sonic screwdriver!
The Dossandra: Oh, so THAT’S what this thing is for? Then why’s it called a screwdriver?...
Rose: YOU SUCK AS THE DOCTOR. Just go back in my brain, already!
The Dossandra: Awww, but he’s skinnier than you…
Rose: Don’t make me hurt you.
(Cassandra’s spirit/mind/whatever leaves the Doctor and goes back to Rose)
The Doctor: Get out of Rose!
Rossandra: But she just told me to – oh, whatever!
(Aaand back to the Doctor)
Rose: Get out of the Doctor!
The Dossandra: GAARGH!
Unexpected Cat Nun: YOU’VE DOOMED EVERYONE!!
UnexpectedZombies Infected: LURGY!
Cat Nun: *is lurgified*
The Dossandra: Tell ya what, screw you both, AND your sonic screwdriver. *goes intoZombie Infected *
The Doctor: ‘Bout time. *gets the damn doors open already*
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: So what’s the happy-haps?
Cat Nun: Pretty much everyone is lurgified and eventually we will be too.
The Doctor: Fantastic. Hey, wait a minute – all those people are infected with all the diseases which you’ve discovered?
Cat Nun: Yes…
The Doctor: And already invented cures for?
Cat Nun: … yes…
The Doctor: So you already have all the cures for the lurgy?
Cat Nun: …….. yes….
The Doctor: Now that IS fantastic. LOAD ME WITH BRIGHTLY COLOURED IV FLUID!
Rossandra: But how are you going to get to theZombies Infected?
The Doctor: Through the massive plot hole, of course!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns:Plot Hole Lift Shaft
The Doctor: (leaps out onto rope) Wheee! You coming? This shot’s going to be on every trailer for months!
Rossandra: You’re insane!
Zombies Infected: Leeeemsiiiip!
Rossandra: ... but nobody’s perfect. *FLYING LEMMING GLOMP*
The Doctor & Rossandra: *PLUUUUMMEEEEET!!!!* WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Bottom of thePlot Hole Lift Shaft
Rossandra: Now what?
The Doctor: Remember that seemingly pointless yet hilarious bit with the disinfectant? Turns out it did have a point!
Rossandra: What, other than the female audience getting to see you wet? I thought there was no nobler cause.
The Doctor: No, it’s to provide a neat and slightly symbolic ending!
(They tip all the brightly coloured IV fluid into the disinfectant and the Doctor slides down into the liftso that the audience can see him wet again as bait.)
The Doctor: Look,Zombies Infected! I’m craaaazy and wet!
The Fact That FemaleZombies Infected Enter Lift First: *is no coincidence*
The Doctor: SPREAD THE LOOOVE!!
Zombies Infected: *wander around patting each other* Injection injection no infection.
Everyone: *is cured*
The Doctor: YAY!
Audience: What? They’re cured just by touching other? Why’s it administered intravenously then? And if they already had all the cures, why did they bother to keep infecting humans?
The Doctor’s Grin: *dazzles*
Audience: Never mind.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: Well, all’s well that ends well, but I can’t help feel that I’ve forgotten something… OMG FACE OF BOE!!!
Face of Boe: Yo, Doctor. I’m liking the new look. Very Jarvis Cocker.
The Doctor: Thanks! And you yourself, you’re looking…. Uh…. Well, you’re a face. So I hear you have some big secret…
Face of Boe: Oh, yeah, that. It’s more of a series finale revelation. I’ll see you then, ‘kay?
The Doctor: What? So you brought me here even though you never meant to tell me what it was? What was the point of that?
Face of Boe: Apple grass.
The Doctor: Ah.
Face of Boe: Anyway, g2g. *is beamed up back to the Enterprise*
The Doctor: Whee! We have a plot arc for this series. Now, just one more thing – GET OUT OF MY COMPANION ALREADY.
Rossandra: Awww… but it’s comfy in here.
Chip: I’M ALIIIIVE!
Rossandra: Sweet. *warps into Chip*
Rose: Whoa… what did we miss?
The Doctor: I healed all the lurgified people by making them touch each other and the Face of Boe is turning up at the series finale and Chip is now Chissandra.
Rose: Ooo.
Chissandra: Except… I’m dying. Dang. Hey, it’s actually OK.
Rose: Wow, you came to terms with it quickly! I guess it just shows how much you grew while adventuring with the Doctor – you learnt about what life is really all about.
Chissandra: *whispers* Not really… the episode finishes in two minutes.
Rose: Oh.
The Doctor’s two sets of heartstrings: *are both tugged*
The Doctor: Come on, let’s get you some sausage rolls before you snuff it.
Boring Evening Soiree, as seen in Home Movie
Young Cassandra: ... and then I said something extremely witty and snooty also! Ha ha ha!
Crowd: Ha ha ha!
Chissandra: Hey, Cassandra… you pretty.
Young Cassandra: Cheers.
Chissandra: *is fervent* REALLY pretty.
Young Cassandra: Wow… you don’t look like a pervert… thank you.
Chissandra: Don’t mention it. *urk*
Young Cassandra: Noooo!! Weird Gollum/Ringwraith thing who I only just met! Someone call an ambulance!
The Doctor: *on his way out* Make sure the hospital has a gift shop.
First up - New Earth!
Doctor Who: New Earth - in Fifteen Minutes
Powell Estate
The Doctor: Let’s get ready to RUUUMBLE!
Jackie: Look after yourself, dear, and remember not to let yourself get possessed by any time vortexes-
Mickey: I love you-
Rose: SEE YA, BITCHES! *doorslam*
Jackie & Mickey: ….
TARDIS instructions: Third and Fourth wheels not required.
The Doctor: We’ve mucked up Earth’s time continuum enough. Let’s go mess with someone else’s!
The Doctor’s Grin: *overpowers female audience*
Audience: *recover from catatonic state they’ve sunk into since The Christmas Invasion* WHEEE!!!
New Earth
The Doctor: Behold the ultra-shiny city!
Rose: Um, there’s nothing there.
The Doctor: Oh – hang a tick –
(He waves the sonic screwdriver at a green screen in front of them. An ultra-shiny city pings into view in front of them.)
Rose: Oh! Wow!
The Doctor: See how much better I am than Ecclescake? I take you to new planets.
Rose: … which are exactly like Earth, but CGI?
The Doctor: Plus the grass smells of apples.
Rose: …
The Doctor’s Grin: *dazzles*
Rose: SQUEEE I LOVE TRAVELLING!
The Doctor: Damn straight.
(The Doctor and Rose skip hand in hand through the apple-scented grass, then settle down to get a tan. Cue overly-sentimental music as RTD barely hides his Doctor/Rose shipperness.)
Metal spy spider hiding in bushes: ZOMG! I gotta show this to Bitchy McTrampoline – and Outpost Gallifrey! *scuttles off*
The Doctor: Basically, after Earth got meltified in Episode 2 last series, they tried to recreate it, but made it all shiny and stuff.
Rose: And… made the grass smell of apples?
The Doctor: Yes, I think they were showing off by that point.
Rose: Fair enough. So are we going to go over and check out that big shiny city?
The Doctor: … Nope, we’re going to that hospital over there. Some plot point keeps scribbling on my psychic paper.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Random Basement
Bitchy McTrampoline, aka Cassandra: OMG!
Cassandra’s Resident Gollum, aka Chip: I KNOW. He’s wearing converse with a suit?
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Lobby
The Doctor: Look how all big and shiny it is!
Rose: The NHS has certainly come on…
The Doctor: Well, they save money on wages – the Cat Nuns are paid in fish. Come, to the lifts!
Rose: Wibblesaywhacatnuns???
(They get separated, because hey, this is Doctor Who. They also get drenched in water, because it is FUNNY. Not because the female audience want to see Tennant wet. No. Not at all.)
RTD: *whistles innocently*
(Rose gets diverted to the basement-)
Audience: Russell T Davies had a bad experience going down in a lift to a basement, didn’t he?
(- and The Doctor continues up to the ward and is entirely unconcerned by her disappearance.)
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Basement
Rose: … OK, maybe the NHS hasn’t advanced THAT much.
Chip: THIS IS NOT A TRAP! Do not be disconcerted by the fact I know your name and caper oddly, or by the fact you’re not where you meant to end up! Just follow me completely trustingly!
Rose: Oh please, I’ve learnt way too much from being a companion to fall for THAT. I’m going to arm myself with something pointy first.
Chip: … but still follow me?
Rose: Well, yes.
Chip: That’s all right then.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: I don’t care it’s all white and shiny, I still want a sweet shop downstairs.
Cat Nun: We look after the patients. We take an oath to look after them in any way we can.
The Doctor: No rodent problems, I’m guessing?
Duke’s Bossy Lady: YOU MAY NOT LOOK UPON THE DUKE WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION! HE IS TOO SPECIAL TO BE BESMIRCHED BY YOUR GAZE!
The Doctor: He’s also blue. And about to become a lawn ornament. Hey, I wonder if I could get him in the TARDIS…
Cat Nun: Why are you here exactly?
The Doctor: Not shopping, evidently, just keeping an eye out for anyone from the last series – OMG FACE OF BOE BRB.
Face of Boe: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Another Cat Nun: He’s just sleeping, I’m afraid…
The Doctor: Hey, no worries. I spent most of the Christmas Invasion asleep.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Basement of Home Movie Nostalgia
(There is a random video playing of what looks like an extremely boring soiree thing without a sausage roll in sight.)
Rose: Wait a minute… that’s the woman from ‘My Family’! But she did the voice of-
Cassandra: OH YES!
Rose: FEAR MY POINTY IMPLEMENT OF DOOM!
Cassandra: Um, nah.
Chip: *fawns and adores*
Rose: But… how come you’re here? You went all splattified and stuff!
Chip: Yes, but her brain survived, and we still had skin from her back.
Rose: They kept it all this time? And it stayed alive? What was the point of that?
Cassandra: Ahem, apple grass.
Rose: Fair point.
Cassandra: The Cat Nuns are up to something, btw. Sooo I’m just going to be stealing your body, ‘kay?
*MIND ZAP!*
Rossandra: Oh my god! I’m a chav!
Author: *did not even bother trying to think of a better line*
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: Has anyone else come to see the Face?
Cat Nun: Nope. He’s the last of his race… entirely alone… having seen centuries past… are you empathizing with him yet?
The Doctor: Oh yes.
Cat Nun: And they say that when he dies, he’ll share some big secret he has with a random visitor, who’ll also be the last of his race, a traveller without a home, a lonely god, who wears converse with a geek chic suit and has a mole in the middle of his back.
The Doctor: …. And he’s dying right now, y’say?
Cat Nun: Yes.
The Doctor: SWEET.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Basement
Rossandra: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and – ooh, cleavage!
Chip: Bitchy McTrampoline is dead, though. *tear*
Rossandra: I said – CLEAVAGE. Hang a tick… that man she was with is the Doctor! But now he’s being played by David Tennant! SCORE!
(The Doctor, meanwhile, has finally got round to being vaguely concerned)
The Doctor: Rose, where are you? You didn’t find a shop, did you?
Rossandra: … The rayne in spayne falls maynely on the playne.
The Doctor: … Right. Anyway, turns out the Face of Boe is here, we were just chatting and turns out – OMG BLUE GUY BRB.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
Blue Normal coloured Guy: I’ll live to eat another day!
The Doctor: BUT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!!
Everyone in Ward 26: ….
The Doctor: …. I mean, good to see you, er, not blue. (aside) Mental note – find another lawn ornament for TARDIS.
Cat Nun Superior: Problem?
The Doctor: You cured him when it should have been impossible! Only I get to change history!
Cat Nun Superior: *does ‘Whatever’ claws* You’re not even a real doctor, anyway.
Cat Nuns: OH SNAP.
The Doctor: … now that was just uncalled for.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Lobby
Rossandra: Hair – volumised! Cleavage – exposed! Doctor, here I come!
Chip: … is there any point to this, or is it just Russell T Davies fulfilling a fantasy?
RTD: *whistles innocently*
Rossandra: Yes. The Cat Nuns are plotting something.
Chip: And why do you care?
Rossandra: I just watched Scooby Doo. I feel like investigating something.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Intensive Care
Cat Nun: Oh my. One of the
Cat Nun 2: And it talks.
Cat Nun: Nifty. *SLAMS DOOR*
Cat Nun 2: Sooo, are we going to heal him, like in that oath we took?
Cat Nun: Nah. Activate the crispifying ray.
Audience: *will never trust cats again*
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: Hey, Rose! Look, all these patients are alive when they should be dead!
The Doctor’s Glasses: *are fawesome*
Rossandra: Well, Doctor, this is a HOSPITAL – generally the dying of patients is what they’re trying to avoid.
The Doctor: … why do you sound like you’re auditioning for a part in ‘My Fair Lady’?
Rossandra: I… uh… POWER SMOOCH!!!
The Doctor: …………
Audience: ……….
RTD: *whistles innocently*
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Random Corridor
Rossandra: The Cat Nuns mentioned Intensive Care but there isn’t an Intensive Care listed on this here dandy terminal so we’ve got to access a sub-file so if we search here and click over there and cross over to here…
The Doctor: *is dead to world from power smooch*
Rossandra: … then this should activate a plot point!
(Sure enough, a massive door opens up)
Rossandra: Whee!
The Doctor: …………. wibble?
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: The Matrix Intensive Care
Rossandra: EW! SICK PERSON!
The Doctor: Nothing cures Power Smooch Hangovers better than RIGHTEOUS WRATH! I knew there was something wrong with this place the second I walked in!
Rossandra: What, the over cleanliness? The not-dying patients? The Cat Nuns?
The Doctor: No! They didn’t have a shop! Even Satellite 5 had a shop! And they have all this extra room back here, where they could fit in a MASSIVE shop, with all the different kinds of jelly babies – AND THEY CRAM IT WITH SICK PEOPLE!
Cat Nun: Our principles are more important than your precious shop!
The Doctor: NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SHOP.
Cat Nun: Look, we’re making people better! And these aren’t real people! They were specially grown! It’s better for them to die than all the healthy people out there!
Ethical issues: Didn’t expect to see US here, now, didja?
Rossandra: Sooo no-one knows about this? It’s entirely confidential?
Cat Nun: DUH.
The Doctor: Confidential? …. Four syllables? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ROSE?
Cat Nun: Hey, don’t look at us. We’re strictly mass-killing-based-on-principles-and-oaths type people.
Rossandra: You know, your tie is sooo…. geek chic…
The Doctor: You’re not going to power smooch me again, are you?
Rossandra: No, I’m just going to SPRAY YOU UNCONSCIOUS!!
The Doctor: Urk! Well… considering the alternative… *hits ground*
Audience: Awww, not AGAIN… how much of this series is he going to spend asleep?
-
Rossandra: Harhar! Now you will be lurgied to death!
The Doctor: Can Time Lords even get sick??
Rossandra: Not through lack of trying. Now, Cat Nuns, give me money or I’ll tell everyone about the sick people!
Cat Nuns: Our claws are disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
Rossandra: Oookaaay… fine, EVERYONE gets lurgied to death! (unleashes
The Doctor: What? YOUR PLAN MAKES NO SENSE!
Rossandra: Well, considering my last plan involved sabotaging a ship while I was still on it, I see this as a step forward!
Cat Nuns: Ooooh, they’re being philosophical!
Audience: Philosophy’s a bitch.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Stairwell
Rossandra: Did not think this through! DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH!
The Doctor: If Rose gets ONE PUSTULE, my sonic screwdriver and you are going to have a little chat!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Everywhere
(There are
Everyone: WAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Random corridor
Chip: WAAAHHH!
Rossandra: Whatever, he’s a clone too.
Chip: HELP MEE!
The Doctor: Sorry! My sonic screwdriver doesn’t work on ethics!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Basement
Rossandra: Eeek! When I said everyone gets lurgied to death, I didn’t mean me!!
The Doctor: Whatever. Get out of my companion.
Rossandra: But I don’t even have a trampoline to possess!
The Doctor: FEAR MY SONIC SCREWDRIVER OF DOOM!!
Rossandra: … serious? That’s even worse than Rose’s pointy implement. What damage can it do, exactly?
The Doctor: … I can prod you repeatedly with it.
Rossandra: …
The Doctor: And shine the light in your eyes.
Rossandra: …
The Doctor: … SHIFT!
Rossandra: Fine! *makes like a Time Vortex and goes from Rose to the Doctor*
The Dossandra: Oh, BABY, I am way too good at being camp!
Rose: THAT IS OFFICIALLY TOO CREEPY.
The Dossandra: Oooh, yooou liiike the Doooctooor!
Rose: Who the hell doesn’t? RUN!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ladder of Climbyness – Outside Ward 26
Rose: Quick, open the lift doors with the sonic screwdriver!
The Dossandra: Oh, so THAT’S what this thing is for? Then why’s it called a screwdriver?...
Rose: YOU SUCK AS THE DOCTOR. Just go back in my brain, already!
The Dossandra: Awww, but he’s skinnier than you…
Rose: Don’t make me hurt you.
(Cassandra’s spirit/mind/whatever leaves the Doctor and goes back to Rose)
The Doctor: Get out of Rose!
Rossandra: But she just told me to – oh, whatever!
(Aaand back to the Doctor)
Rose: Get out of the Doctor!
The Dossandra: GAARGH!
Unexpected Cat Nun: YOU’VE DOOMED EVERYONE!!
Unexpected
Cat Nun: *is lurgified*
The Dossandra: Tell ya what, screw you both, AND your sonic screwdriver. *goes into
The Doctor: ‘Bout time. *gets the damn doors open already*
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: So what’s the happy-haps?
Cat Nun: Pretty much everyone is lurgified and eventually we will be too.
The Doctor: Fantastic. Hey, wait a minute – all those people are infected with all the diseases which you’ve discovered?
Cat Nun: Yes…
The Doctor: And already invented cures for?
Cat Nun: … yes…
The Doctor: So you already have all the cures for the lurgy?
Cat Nun: …….. yes….
The Doctor: Now that IS fantastic. LOAD ME WITH BRIGHTLY COLOURED IV FLUID!
Rossandra: But how are you going to get to the
The Doctor: Through the massive plot hole, of course!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns:
The Doctor: (leaps out onto rope) Wheee! You coming? This shot’s going to be on every trailer for months!
Rossandra: You’re insane!
Rossandra: ... but nobody’s perfect. *FLYING LEMMING GLOMP*
The Doctor & Rossandra: *PLUUUUMMEEEEET!!!!* WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Bottom of the
Rossandra: Now what?
The Doctor: Remember that seemingly pointless yet hilarious bit with the disinfectant? Turns out it did have a point!
Rossandra: What, other than the female audience getting to see you wet? I thought there was no nobler cause.
The Doctor: No, it’s to provide a neat and slightly symbolic ending!
(They tip all the brightly coloured IV fluid into the disinfectant and the Doctor slides down into the lift
The Doctor: Look,
The Fact That Female
The Doctor: SPREAD THE LOOOVE!!
Everyone: *is cured*
The Doctor: YAY!
Audience: What? They’re cured just by touching other? Why’s it administered intravenously then? And if they already had all the cures, why did they bother to keep infecting humans?
The Doctor’s Grin: *dazzles*
Audience: Never mind.
Big Shiny Hospital of the Cat Nuns: Ward 26
The Doctor: Well, all’s well that ends well, but I can’t help feel that I’ve forgotten something… OMG FACE OF BOE!!!
Face of Boe: Yo, Doctor. I’m liking the new look. Very Jarvis Cocker.
The Doctor: Thanks! And you yourself, you’re looking…. Uh…. Well, you’re a face. So I hear you have some big secret…
Face of Boe: Oh, yeah, that. It’s more of a series finale revelation. I’ll see you then, ‘kay?
The Doctor: What? So you brought me here even though you never meant to tell me what it was? What was the point of that?
Face of Boe: Apple grass.
The Doctor: Ah.
Face of Boe: Anyway, g2g. *is beamed up back to the Enterprise*
The Doctor: Whee! We have a plot arc for this series. Now, just one more thing – GET OUT OF MY COMPANION ALREADY.
Rossandra: Awww… but it’s comfy in here.
Chip: I’M ALIIIIVE!
Rossandra: Sweet. *warps into Chip*
Rose: Whoa… what did we miss?
The Doctor: I healed all the lurgified people by making them touch each other and the Face of Boe is turning up at the series finale and Chip is now Chissandra.
Rose: Ooo.
Chissandra: Except… I’m dying. Dang. Hey, it’s actually OK.
Rose: Wow, you came to terms with it quickly! I guess it just shows how much you grew while adventuring with the Doctor – you learnt about what life is really all about.
Chissandra: *whispers* Not really… the episode finishes in two minutes.
Rose: Oh.
The Doctor’s two sets of heartstrings: *are both tugged*
The Doctor: Come on, let’s get you some sausage rolls before you snuff it.
Boring Evening Soiree, as seen in Home Movie
Young Cassandra: ... and then I said something extremely witty and snooty also! Ha ha ha!
Crowd: Ha ha ha!
Chissandra: Hey, Cassandra… you pretty.
Young Cassandra: Cheers.
Chissandra: *is fervent* REALLY pretty.
Young Cassandra: Wow… you don’t look like a pervert… thank you.
Chissandra: Don’t mention it. *urk*
Young Cassandra: Noooo!! Weird Gollum/Ringwraith thing who I only just met! Someone call an ambulance!
The Doctor: *on his way out* Make sure the hospital has a gift shop.