Finished it!
Doctor Who: Tooth and Claw: In Fifteen MinutesYe Olde Scottish MoorsScotland: *is bleak*
OMGTorchwood HouseSteward McTweed: Whoa, whoa, not today, we’ve already had Jehovah’s Witnesses AND scientologists…
Head Monk: Don’t worry, we don’t want your soul. Just your house.
Steward McTweed: Jiggawha?
Monks: *ARE NINJA MONKS!*
Audience: … are we in the Matrix again?
[The Ninja Monks, after a lot of dancing and throwing sticks in the air, lay ye olde smackdown on random servants. Woe.]
The Cellar of Handy-Dandy ManaclesSteward McTweed: So what’s in the cage?
Ninja Monk: May God forgive me.
Steward McTweed: That sinful, huh?
Ninja Monk: … no, that’s just its nickname. *whips back blanket*
Maids: WAAAAAAHH!!!
The TARDIS, whee!The Doctor: *bops!*
Rose: You really are going for the Jarvis Cocker thing, aren’t you?
The Doctor: At least I’ve got good taste! Now pass me my TARDIS-bashing hammer, it needs some percussive maintenance.
Female audience: *idolizes*
The Doctor: Besides, it’s 1979 – there’s not any record of Daleks storming the concert of anything, it’s not like anything could go wrong! We’ll have a nice safe adventure for once!
Rose: I don’t know, have you seen mosh pits lately?
Ye Olde Scottish MoorsCaptain Moustache: Hands up! What are you doing in the middle of nowhere with a near-naked girl??
The Doctor:
... Should have got a bigger hammer. (slips into Scottish accent) We’re just, erm, wandering around. I’m Dr James McCrimmon-
Dr Who Fans: WHEEEE!!!
RTD: That’s right, worship my extensive
research knowledge!
The Doctor: Er, are there any adventures or characters of historical importance nearby?
Captain Moustache: Funny you should say that, the queen’s here.
The Doctor: YAY! Right, that’s why we’re here.
The Doctor’s Psychic Paper: Indeed it is.
Captain Moustache: Good enough for me!
Queen Victoria: Lemme see, he sounds foxy!
Rose: You have
no idea.The Doctor: WOW! This is even better than the concert!! … though it’s a close run thing.
Queen Victoria: Someone’s trying to kill me so we decided to go into the middle of nowhere where no-one can help us, and where there are rumours of big-ass wolves.
The Doctor: Fair plan. Can we come?
Queen Victoria: Sure.
The Doctor: SQUEEE!!
Rose: SQUEEE!!!
Back at Torchwood HouseSir Robert: I don’t wanna do this!
Head Ninja Butler: Tough. Otherwise your wife gets munchified.
The CourtyardQueen Victoria: Thanks for letting us crash at your place.
Sir Robert: That’s fine, but maybe *WINK* you might not *WINK* want to stay here *WINK* but instead LEAVE. *WINK. WINK.*
All servants: *are bald*
The Doctor: *head tilt o’ suspicion* Hmmm…
Queen Victoria: Is there something in your eye, Sir Robert? Anyway, I like it here –at the TORCHWOOD ESTATE.
Dr Who Fans: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Queen Victoria: *having left sufficient pause for the Dr Who fans to stop yelling* Come on, it’s cold out here, as the naked girl will know.
Rose: It’s just a mini-dungaree-skirt, OK??
The Doctor: Hush, you wild bairn.
Queen Victoria: Don’t forget the Royal Plot Point!
Box: *is accompanied by sparkly music*
The Doctor: Oooooooh.
The Cellar of Handy-Dandy ManaclesPerson in cage: *SHHH OF DOOOM!!!*
The Observatory of Ye Olde Broken TelescopeThe Doctor: WOW SHINY TELESCOPE!!! But it sucks.
Rose: *ahem*RUDE*ahem*
The Doctor: Sorry ma’am.
Queen Victoria: Yes, my DEAD HUSBAND liked things like this. Before he became DEAD, he liked that story about the big-ass wolf.
The Doctor: Ooh?
Head Ninja Butler: I THINK EVERYONE’S FEELING A BIT TIRED!
Sunset over Torchwood HouseSun: *is setting*
Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN DUN!
Ninja Monks: *prepare assorted herbs*
Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN DUN!
Rose: *tries on a ruffled dress*
Soundtrack: DUN DUN DUN DUN!
Rose’s RoomRose: ZOMG THERE’S A CAMERA IN MY WARDROBE!!! Oh, and a terrified maid.
Outside Torchwood HouseGuards: Zzzzzzzzzzz.
Rose’s RoomFlora the Wimpy Maid: They all came and stormed through the house and they were all bald and WAAAAHH.
Rose: Hmmm, sounds like a job for the Doctor! Come on, let’s go tell him!
Flora the Wimpy Maid: But it’s SCARY!
Rose: Oh come on, what’ll happen?
5 Minutes LaterRose & Flora: WAAAAHHHH!!
The Dining Room of LycanthropyThe Doctor: *once again entirely unconcerned about his companion’s disappearance* So, big-ass wolves, huh?
Queen Victoria: Yes! Tell us! You know, like my DEAD HUSBAND would have wanted you to do, before he was DEADIFIED.
The Doctor: *gets strong deja vu*
Inside the Vaults of the Doctor’s MemoryHarriet Jones: PRIME MINISTER!!!
Meanwhile, in the CellarRose: So… y’all have just been sitting here, chained up?
Her Ladyship: Otherwise he’ll attack us!!
Rose: … he’s chained up too.
Her Ladyship: Yeah… but… you know… HIS EYES ARE BIG BLACK AND SCARY.
Rose: … yeesh.
And back to the Dining Room Sir Robert: Basically there’s a big wolf that prowls around eating sheep and stuff.
Captain Moustache: Pah! My moustache does not hold with such nonsense.
The Doctor: … what, that wolves exist?
And back to the Cellar[Rose attempts to bond with the Big Black Scary-Eyed Thing which we’ve all guessed by now is the werewolf.]
Rose: Soooo where are you from?
Creepy Man Thing: Another planet, DUH.
Aaand back to the Dining Room, now the Dining Room of ExpositionSir Robert: But it’s not an ordinary wolf… it’s a wolf that’s also a man.
The Doctor: OMGYAY!!!
Everyone: *gives the Doctor strange looks*
The Cellar of Character DevelopmentRose: We can give you a lift home in the TARDIS, if you want.
Creepy Man Thing: Er, nah. I’m good here, thanks. What’s the point of coming to a new planet if you don’t have a shot at world domination?
Rose: … sightseeing?
The Dining Room of ExpositionSir Robert: Anyway, my CRAZEE dad thought the story was real, but the Monks *WINK* opposed him. You know, MONKS. *WINK* Who are BALD. *WINK* Like that BUTLER *WINK* who is CHANTING *WINK* AT *WINK* THE *WINK* MOON *WINK WINK WINK*.
The Doctor: … hey! He’s chanting at the moon! … And he’s BALD! …… Like a MONK!
Sir Robert: THANK YOU.
The Cellar of Impending DoomMoonlight: *is shiny*
Creepy Man Thing: Yay! Nakey time!
Cue: *Breeze of Doom*
Rose: Oh no, not the Breeze of Doom! PULL!
The Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOAAAAA!!!
The Dining Room of ExpositionHead Ninja Butler:
Lupus deus est… Lupus magnus est...Author: *is extremely disappointed* Oh yeah, that’s REAL complicated Latin.
Queen Victoria: *finally comprehending something’s not quite right* Do butlers normally chant at windows?
The Doctor: Wait a minute – trouble – growing soundtrack – Rose not here – yeesh, she is some kind of doom magnet.
The Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!
The Cellar of Impending DoomCreepy Man/Wolf Thing: OOOOWIE!!!
Rose: Oh no, he’s becoming CGI! PULL HARDER!
The Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
The Hallway of Manly SprintingThe Doctor and Sir Robert: *to the rescue!*
The Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
The Dining Room of ExpositionCaptain Moustache: What do you want??
Head Ninja Monk: … please, even the 6-year-olds watching have figured it out.
The Cellar of Impending Imminent DoomThe Doctor: I’M HERE!
Rose: ‘Bout time!
Everyone: *flees terrifying werewolf*
The Doctor: *goes gooey-eyed over terrifying werewolf* Oh, WOW!!
Rose: Doctor!
The Doctor: (oblivious) That is WAY BETTER than the one in Van Helsing!!
Rose: DOCTOR, MOVE IT!
The Doctor: But it’s so cute!!
Werewolf: *breaks cage*
The Doctor: … OK, let’s go.
Back in the Dining Room of ExpositionQueen Victoria: Oh please, like I go anywhere without a gun nowadays. Never learnt THAT in history, did you kids?
[And she totally shoots the Head Ninja Monk because Queen Victoria was, in fact, a hard-ass.]
The Gun Closet[Now is the time of shootingness. Steward McTweed tells everyone what to do. The Mistress flees with the Wimpy Maids. The Doctor takes off Rose’s manacles because his sonic screwdriver wants attention. The Doctor then moseys out for a quick look-see at the werewolf to check it’s still there.]
Hallway[It is.]
Back in the Gun ClosetSteward McTweed: FIRE!
[Everyone shoots at the werewolf, except Rose and the Doctor, because Rose is a Nice Girl and the Doctor doesn’t bother with anything that doesn’t make a cool noise. The werewolf vanishes. Yay!]
The Kitchen of No EscapeFlora the Wimpy Maid: OH NO THERE ARE MORE NINJA MONKS OUT THERE THEY’LL NEVER LET US ESCAPE WE’LL ALL BE MUNCHIFIED WAAAAAHHHH!!!
Her Ladyship: I obviously hired you for your ability to cope under pressure.
The Gun Closet[Every single person with half a brain cell knows that the werewolf is not dead.]
Steward McTweed: It’s obviously dead!
[Erm. There you go.]
The Doctor: Oh come on, have you seen ANY horror movie?
Rose: They don’t have them yet.
The Doctor: That’s no excuse!
[Steward McTweed once again proves his lack of knowledge of horror clichés by stepping away from the others, lowering his weapon and loudly pronouncing the werewolf’s deadness and that the danger has passed.]
The Doctor: OH COME ON!
Steward McTweed: I’m telling you, the werewolf’s dead!
Dead Werewolf: RAAAWRRR!
The Doctor: Told you. FLEEE!!
Everyone without a speaking part: *gets munchified*
The Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOAAAAA!!!!
The Kitchen of No EscapeWimpy Maids: WAAAHH!!
Her Ladyship: Look, we can have a power maid huddle, just STOP SHRIEKING BEFORE MY EARS BLEED.
Werewolf: Hmmm, what’s cookin’?
[Evidently not much, because by the time Her Ladyship opens her eyes, it’s wandered off again.]
Dark and Bleak Stairwell of DoomThe Chorus of Doom: WOOOOAAAAAAA!!!!
Queen Victoria: What did I miss?
Sir Robert: Oh, just the munchification of my entire staff. Nothing major.
Queen Victoria: Oh please, there’s no wolf!
Werewolf: AWOOOOO!
Rose: QED, bitch.
Dark and Bleak Room of Doom[They cannot escape through the window because it is guarded by yet more ninja monks.]
Queen Victoria: Why won’t they let us escape??
Rose: Er, probably the same reason they shut us up in this house with a werewolf in the first place, ma’am.
Dark and Bleak Staircase of DoomThe Doctor: This isn’t fleeing, it’s a tactical manoeuvre!
[Everyone
flees tactical manoeuvres up the stairs.]
The Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOOAAAAAA!!!!!!!
[The werewolf pursues them and catches up with the Doctor and Rose, and rips them apart in brutal bloody slaughter, gore splashing everywhere, traumatizing children across the nation and effectively shooting the BBC’s cash cow in the head.]
Audience: Jiggawha?
[The werewolf pursues them and catches up with the Doctor and Rose, but at that moment is shot by CAPTAIN MOUSTACHE, ACTION HERO!]
Captain Moustache: You keep going, I’ll shoot at it!
The Doctor: But you’ll be munchified!
Captain Moustache: My moustache and I will die with honour.
[The others flee, and Captain
Moustache Cannon Fodder gets rippified. Woe.]
Rose: (lingering) Ewwww…
The Doctor: Rose, the point of him nobly sacrificing himself is that WE. RUN. AWAY. *glomps Rose to safety*
The Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOAAAAAAA!!!!
The Handy-Dandy Room of Books and Mistletoe[They pile chairs up against the ‘only’ door.]
The Doctor: Is that the only door?
Sir Robert: Yes.
Sir Robert: Oh, apart from THAT door over there.
The Doctor: You are more useless than my sonic screwdriver in a world of bead doors.
[They pile yet more chairs and, erm, what appear to be pool cues against the other door. The wolf stomps off in a huff.]
Rose: How come it doesn’t munchify the doors? Oh, and WEREWOLFSQUEEE!!
The Doctor: OMGIKNOW!!
Sir Robert: How could you not have guessed there was something wrong? All my staff were bald ninja monks!
[Once again, we have a line the author could not dream of topping:]
The Doctor: Well, they were bald, athletic, your wife’s away – I just thought you were happy.
Kids across the nation: What does he mean, mummy?
Mummies: Er, I’ll explain when you’re older, dear…
Queen Victoria: What is that thing?
The Doctor: Well, as pretty much everyone has guessed by now, considering I SAID WHAT IT WAS EARLIER, you’d call it a werewolf. But really it’s just some very clever CGI work done by the Mill and, possibly, a guy in a motion capture suit.
Queen Victoria: OK, but WTF happened to your adorable Scottish accent?
The Doctor: …whoops.
Queen Victoria: I AM NOT AMUSED VERY DISAPPOINTED IN THE PAIR OF YOU!
The Doctor & Rose: *hang heads, kick dirt*
Queen Victoria: I won’t have it! Not you! Not that thing!
The Doctor: Now I know you’re stressed, but her name is ROSE.
The Kitchen of No Escape
Her Ladyship: Hang a tick, they’re all wearing mistletoe! ... And the wolf doesn’t attack them! ... And there’s lots of mistletoe IN HERE! ... And the werewolf didn’t attack US!
Flora the Wimpy Maid: … and?
Her Ladyship: AND THAT MEANS YOU GET YOUR BUTTS IN GEAR AND DO SOMETHING USEFUL.
The Handy-Dandy Room of Books and Mistletoe
[The Doctor, not to be outdone by Her Ladyship and the Wimpy Maids Brigade, has also noticed mistletoe garlands hanging over their heads on the doors. Russell T Davies manages to restrain himself.]
The Doctor: Hang a tick… GO GO SENTIENT TONGUE!
The Sentient Tongue of the Doctor: Hmmm, initial scans suggest that the varnish contains high levels of mistletoe, Cap’n.
The Doctor: OOH! The werewolf must be allergic to the mistletoe, or thinks he is, and so avoids it!
Rose: How do you make a werewolf think it’s allergic to mistletoe?
The Doctor: I'll explain later.
Sir Robert: So what? I have become gloomy with guilt and I am determined to remain so!
The Doctor: Whatever, I want to get back into crazy quirky mode. LET’S RESEARCH!
The Doctor’s Glasses: *are fawesome*
The Kitchen of No Escape
Flora the Wimpy Maid: I think it’s gone.
Her Ladyship: I think you should GET A BACKBONE.
The Handy-Dandy Room of Books and Mistletoe
[The Doctor, Rose and Sir Robert research. Queen Victoria… stands around.]
The Doctor: Oh look! The werewolf’s actually an alien! It fell to Earth next to the monastery, and they kept it. Kinda like a science project.
Rose: But I didn’t start to worship the cress we grew in Biology then decide to help it take over the world.
The Doctor: The monks had a lot more free time on their hands. Basically, the queen becomes a werewolf, and England industry gets all messed up.
Queen Victoria: But I don’t WANT to be a werewolf! Oh, and btw I’ve got a massive diamond here.
The Doctor: OOOH SHIIINYYYY….
Rose: PREEEEETTYYYYY…
Sir Robert: (is too gloomy to be entrapped by the pwetty sparkwiness)
Queen Victoria: I was taking it to be re-cut. My DEAD husband kept on doing that before he was DEADIFIED. Said something about trying to make it shiny enough to reflect moonlight and kill a werewolf… he did always use the strangest similes…
The Doctor: OHOHOHOHIDEAIDEAIDEA!!!
The Doctor’s Hair: *GOES WILD*
The Doctor: OMGSOWHATIFYOURHUSBANDANDUSELESSGUY’SFATHERIMAGINED
THATTHEREWASAWEREWOLFANDTHATTHEMONKSWEREWORSHIPPINGIT
ANDWOULDEVENTUALLYTRAPYOUHERETOTURNYOUINTOAWEREWOLFTOO – well, they might have wanted to mention it to stop you coming here in the first place – BUTTHEYMIGHTHAVEDECIDEDTOUSEITTOTRAPTHEWEREWOLF
INSTEADOROFCOURSETHEYMIGHTNOTJUSTHAVELIKEDYOU
VERYMUCHANDTHOUGHTHEYKILLTWOBIRDSWITHONEDIAMOND-
[The Doctor’s Crazy Rant o’ Exposition is interrupted by a plummeting werewolf.]
The Doctor: Aaaand back to the fleeing. Dang.
The Dark and Bleak Corridor of Doom
The Chorus of Doom: (back from their break) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
[Rose stops and shrieks at the werewolf for no particular werewolf. Before she is rippified, however, the werewolf is splashed with mistletoe water.]
Werewolf: Nooo, my fur! It took me ages to get that right! (runs off)
Sir Robert: Darling, was it really necessary to bring all the maids?
Her Ladyship: They wouldn’t let me leave them on their own.
The Doctor: WEREN’T WE SUPPOSED TO BE FLEEING??
The Dark and Bleak Stairwell of Doom
[Once again, there is fleeingness.]
The Chorus of Doom: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Rose: OK, WE GET THE PICTURE!
Outside the Observatory of Ye Olde Broken Incomplete Telescope
The Doctor: Hmm, we need some way to hold the doors shut!
Sir Robert: I’ll die defending them!
The Doctor: That’s not necessary, we could just shove some chairs up against it-
Sir Robert: No, I must die defending them!
The Doctor: Or if we got some wire from somewhere, my sonic screwdriver could connect it into a circle and we could tie the handles together like that-
Rose: How can sound even do that?
The Doctor: … I’ll explain later.
Sir Robert: NO I MUST DIE VALIANTLY DON’T TRY TO STOP-
The Doctor: KTHXBYE. *doorslam*
Sir Robert: -me…
Inside the Observatory of Ye Olde Broken Incomplete Telescope
The Doctor: ‘Kay, gimme diamond.
Queen Victoria: What for?
The Doctor: … seriously? Every eight-year-old out there has figured it out by now.
Outside the Observatory of Ye Olde Broken Incomplete Telescope
[The werewolf comes stalking down the hallway, enraged and furious that they messed up its fur.]
Sir Robert: YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A JERKWAD! NOW IT’S ON!
Inside the Observatory of Ye Olde Broken Incomplete Telescope
[Outside, we hear Sir Robert being munchified. Woe. The Doctor and Rose struggle with the very very heavy telescope. Queen Victoria… stands around.]
Queen Victoria: *holds up cross*
The Doctor: That’s vampires, dear.
Rose: Sooo this is basically like toasting ants with a magnifying glass?
The Doctor: Pretty much. Now, getting closer to being munchified every second now, chop chop!
[They finally angle it just right so that the telescope glows all pwettily. Then the werewolf bursts in! Oh noes!]
The Doctor: (unconcerned) Oooooh, shiny.
Rose: DOCTOR! QUEEN ABOUT TO BE RIPPIFIED!
The Doctor: Oh yeah…
[He uses the diamond to concentrate the Moon Laser on the werewolf! The werewolf is moonlighted to death. In the shape of a cross. Huh…]
The Doctor: *sniff* And it was so cute.
Rose: Don’t worry, you’ll get your own dog next episode.
Queen Victoria: I have a cut BUT IT’S NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT.
The Doctor: Er… good?
Handy-Dandy Knighting Room of Torchwood House
Queen Victoria: By the power invested in me I dub thee Sir Tennant of Geek Chic and Dame Billie of Fanboy Fantasties.
The Doctor & Rose: Yay!
Queen Victoria: Now… GET OUT OF MY KINGDOM!
The Doctor: Saywha??
Victoria: You heard me! You’re weird and I don’t like you! You, with your Chorus of Doom, your CGI, your in-jokes and your converse with geek chic suit – OUT!
The Doctor: … I can bring down your government in six words-
Rose: Not now, Doctor.
Back on Ye Olde Scottish Moors
[The Doctor shows that he has no sour grapes regarding their banishment after totally saving the queen’s life whatsoever.]
The Doctor: Meh. The entire Royal Family are werewolves anyway.
Rose: Teehee!
Torchwood House
Queen Victoria: Sooo I know I said I hated weird things and that they didn’t belong in my world… but still, I’m going to set up an institute called Torchwood to fight them!
Dr Who Fans: OMGSQUEEE!!!
Queen Victoria: And they will KICK THE DOCTOR’S ASS FROM HERE TO TUESDAY!
Dr Who Fans: …. Huh? So it’s anti-Doctor? Then why didn’t they arrest him in ‘Aliens of London’? And why wasn’t Torchwood there in ‘Aliens of London’?
RTD: *whistles innocently*
Dr Who Fans: *stare accusingly*
RTD: … eh, stop complaining, you get a UK X-Files with Captain Jack.
Dr Who Fans: Whee!