Lord of the OOCness

[Paranoid Android]

Ok, so it hasn't been taken off ff.net, but I never go on there anymore, so I've decided to put my story up on here, that way it'll be easier for me to update it when I get the chance. I'll post the actual story on a separate post, as it'll be long enough as it is.

[Paranoid Android]

Chapter 1 - The Shire and Very Old Friends



When Bilbo Baggins (more commonly known as Billy-bob to random strangers) announced he was going to have a birthday party, the whole town burst into tears. They had not been expecting it, but they had in fact, been dreading it. Which kind of doesn't make sense really, but that's beside the point. Bilbo was poor and normal, and had been unrecognised by the members of the Shire for sixty years, when he didn't come back with a whole load of money. Anyway, back to the story. Suddenly, Gandalf rode up on his cart-wagonny thingamajig, singing the Ketchup song, complete with dance moves.

Gandalf: Asereje ja de je de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva, majavi an de bugui an de buididipi, asereje ja de je de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva, majavi an de bugui an de buididipi.

Off in the distance, little Frodo Baggins heard this sickening amount of partiness and thought, "I seriously can't be bothered to get up and run down there. Oh wait, the Tweenies is over. I suppose I might as well go now that there's nothing left to live for." and promptly burst into giggly sobs. He skipped down to the road side, and waited for Gandalf to pull up. When Gandalf did, Frodo had a bit of a go at him.

Frodo: YOU'RE LATE, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT!!! I RUN, EXPECTING YOU TO BE HERE, AND YOU SHOW UP ALMOST 3 HOURS LATER!!!!!!!

Gandalf: (bursting into sobs and submitting to the wrath of Frodo, as his big eyes were creeping him out) I'm sorry, Mr Fr-Fr-Frodo!!!! I didn't mean to be late!!! I'm a bad, bad wizard, and I deserve the utmost punishment!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!

Frodo: Now, that's more like it. Moron.

Anyway, Frodo decided that, as Gandalf's punishment, he and the horse were going to ride on the cart-wagonny thingamajig, and Gandalf had to pull it.

Frodo: (In a posh British type accent, even though I'm British myself, but whatever) Once around the Shire, James.

Horse: Neeeeeeeeeigh!

So they set off, and on the way encountered a large group of butt-ugly hobbit kids. They came running towards the cart, screaming.

B-UHK: Gandalf! Gandalf!

Gandalf started smiling until the kids spoke again.

B-UHK: Go away, Gandalf! And take your crappy little sparklers with you!

They then decided to pelt Gandalf with rotten tomatoes, and congratulating Frodo on his taming on the pathetic wild beast.

After several days of riding/walking, they arrived at the precise spot where Frodo was to be dropped off. All the time, neither said a word of intelligent conversation, and Frodo didn't once ask about the outside world, as he really didn't give a monkey's behind about anything but himself. After he left, Gandalf attempted to get back on his cart-wagonny thingamajig.

Gandalf: Alright, Mr McGee, let me back on now.

Horse (Mr McGee): Neigh!

Gandalf: Don't you say nay to me, you fobbit!

Frankie (me) and Katie pop in suddenly.

F and K: Wrong story.

Gandalf: Oh yeah..

They pop out again.

Gandalf then returns on his way to Bilbo's house, and when he gets there, he sees a sign on the gate:

EVERYBODY WELCOME, ESPECIALLY VISITORS, WELL-WISHERS, AND DISTANT RELATIONS!

Gandalf skipped up to the door, and knocked on it with his head, making a dent in the door with the top of his hat. Bilbo opened the door, with a big grin on his face, until he saw who it was.

Bilbo: Gandalf?

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo: No, you fool, that's my name. Yours is Gandalf. Gan-dalf.

Gandalf: Oh. If you say so.

Bilbo: I'm glad we've got that sorted.

Gandalf: Woah! Dude!! I just realised why I came in the first place! It's your one hundred and eleventh birthday! That's why you look so damn old! You look like a rhino you've got so many wrinkles!

Bilbo: Yeah, that's fascinating. Well, I'm sorry, you can't come in.

Gandalf: Why not?

Bilbo: Did you read the fine print on the sign?

Gandalf went and had another look at the sign. At the very bottom in teeny tiny writing it said: VERY OLD FRIENDS CAN GO TO HELL.

Gandalf: Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

Bilbo: Exactly, now buh-bye.

Gandalf turned and started to slowly slump away, but suddenly, turned round and sprinted back towards the hobbit hole with the astounding speed of a snail. Luckily, he got through the door before Bilbo had time to react. Bilbo ran inside with the agility of a dead body, and when he got inside, Gandalf put a spell on the door to lock it.

Gandalf: Mwahaha! Now you cannot throw me out! You will be forced to listen to me ramble on for hours on end!! Mwahaha!

Bilbo: Well, fine, then. How about a drink? Hemlock? Arsenic?

Gandalf: A double tall mocha latté frappuccino with extra cream and chocolate sprinkles, with a couple of home-made brownies would be nice.

Bilbo: Um. okay then.

Bilbo went back into the kitchen, and brought him out a glass of water and a plain slice of bread.

Gandalf: Hey! This isn't a double tall mocha latté frappuccino with extra cream and chocolate sprinkles, with a couple of home-made brownies!

Bilbo: Yes it is. The drink's invisible and it's a new recipe for brownies.

Gandalf: Okay.

As Gandalf sat down to his water and bread, and Bilbo sat down to his 10 course gourmet meal with a glass of red wine, they started to chat about this, that, and the other. Suddenly, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins knocked at the door, and Bilbo cheerily went to greet her, giving her a large hug and a kiss on each cheek, before telling her that he was a bit busy. They then arranged to have a girly sleepover in a few days time. Bilbo then came back into the kitchen.

Bilbo: Ah, I love life here! I wish I never had to leave!

Gandalf: You've got to go to Rivendell.

Bilbo: Oh, fine.

Gandalf: Frodo doesn't really suspect a thing.

Bilbo: I know. He might as well be some block-headed Bracegirdle from Hardbottle.

Gandalf: He really hates your guts, you know.

Bilbo: I know. He'd probably beat me up if I asked him to go with me, even though he hates living in the Shire. I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, b-

Gandalf: Yeah, you do, remember I said earlier, you look like a rhino?

Bilbo: That's beside the point. I'm beginning to feel it in my face. The Botox is getting to me. I also feel it in my heart. I shouldn't be surprised really; it's all that cholesterol-packed food I eat. I feel thin. I feel like too little butter spread over too much bread.

Gandalf: You certainly don't look thin.

Bilbo: Shut up. Anyway, I'm going to Rivendell, and I'll probably return within a few days.

Gandalf (threatingly): Oh no you won't.

Bilbo: Oh yes I will.

Gandalf: Oh no you won't.

Bilbo: Oh yes I will.

Audience 1: Oh no he isn't!

Audience 2: Oh yes he is!

Gandalf and Bilbo: Shut up!

Bilbo: Anyway, I think I'll go to Rivendell just to get away from this lot. Besides, that babe, Arwen's there. Purrrrr.

Gandalf: She's taken.

Bilbo: Oh well, there are plenty more elves in the forest, and most of them babes.

Gandalf: Bilbo, you know Elrond's never been into love after Celebrian went over to the Undying Lands.

Bilbo: Oh yeah. Dammit.

[Paranoid Android]

Chapter 2



Bilbo: Old Toby, the finest weed in the Southfarthing.


Gandalf: But Bilbo, you know smoking’s bad for you!


Bilbo: Ah, indeed… *puts out pipe*


Bilbo then proceeds to blow a bubble in the shape of a ring using his new little pot of bubble stuff. Gandalf feels he has to go one better, snatches the bubbles from Bilbo and make a bubble of the HMS Victory.


Bilbo: *muttering* Show off.


(Scene changes to party)


Gandalf is seen holding out a few sparklers, trying to get some of the kids to have them, but they just spit in his face, kick him in the shin and run off giggling.

Frodo is seen doing the Funky Chicken (yet again), while Sam is dancing/rubbing up with/against Rosie.


Frodo: *coming over to where Sam and Rosie are “dancing”* Uh, Sam, I think Rosie’s had enough dancing for now, maybe you should have an ale. You haven’t had one all night!


Sam: No way! I’m gettin’ my groooove on up in here!


Frodo: Oh no you don’t!


Frodo then proceeds to shove Sam in the direction of one of the many ale barrel-things, where he knocks several of the barrel-things on the hobbit drinking out of one of the taps.


Sam: Yo, Fro! Look what ya’ll made me do! You got my bling-bling wet!


Frodo: O…k…<br>

Gandalf sets off one of his best fireworks, which turns out to be a mere firecracker, and no one finds it impressive. Bilbo, meanwhile, is playing the storyteller……


Bilbo: *very conceitedly and arrogantly* And there I was, fighting off all these 3 pathetic trolls, one handed, no weapons, or anything, and they were all arguing amongst themselves about who was going to fight me next, whether it be Crush the Spit-Turner, or Swizel, the Sit-On-One-By-One-And-Squash-Into-Jellier. They spent so much time arguing the whithertos and whyfors, that I got fed up, and just knocked the three of them out!


The little hobbit kids have all fallen asleep, and those who had already eaten about a gallon of sugar each proceed to suck on their toes.


Bilbo: Eww… *spots one of the other kids picking its nose and eating it* Ewwwwwww… *spots Gandalf doing the Macarena* EWWWWW!!!!!!!!! *eyes start twitching*


Gandalf goes over to his cart and takes out a few more sparklers in the hopes that he can stick a few of them in the hobbits’ curly hair, and so get rid of his stock.


Gandalf: *cackling evilly to himself* Mwahaha…. Hmmm… *starts pondering over whether he should light them or not* Nah, they’d reach scarily close to my beard… Stupid short hobbits.


Merry emerges from behind the cart, and thwacks the side of the tent next to him. Pippin comes out.


Merry: Come on Peregrin, we must aid Gandalf in his desperate attempt to rid himself of these dreadful contraption he calls fireworks.


Pippin: But, Meriadoc, we must not forget safety rules.


Merry: Indeed, no! But I fear, to do our utmost for the community, or rather, Sir Gandalf, we must take the largest firework, and light it in the tent next to us, as I believe it to be fire(work)proof.


Pippin: Of course! Now, if you would please bring out the step-ladder, I will gladly retrieve said firework. *Merry hands him a nearby step-ladder* Why, thank you my dear companion, t’was very kind of you.


Pippin delicately lifts the firework, calmly steps back down, and slides under the tent. Merry looks around to ensure that no one has seen, takes a bite out of a cucumber sandwich, and pops into the tent after him. The two put all their safety gear on, carefully stick the firework in the ground, and light it, taking caution to step away slowly afterwards. The firework goes up, takes the tent with it (much to the hobbits’ surprise and confusion) and explodes into a stunning rendition of all that is mighty and scary: Tweety Pie.


Tweety Pie firework: I tawt I taw a putty tat! Nope! Jutht tome thtoopid hobbitth! Hmm… I wonder what will happen if I thwoop down on em unthutpectedly?


The firework then decides that he will swoop down on them unsuspectedly. The hobbits take no notice of it, except for Frodo, who decides to push Bilbo in front of the swooping Tweety Pie firework out of pure spitefulness.


Bilbo: Oh, hey Tweety! It’s nice to see you again!


Unfortunately (for Bilbo anyways) Tweety carries right on, and hits him bang in the middle of his forehead.


Bilbo: Owies… *rubs his head*


Tweety, meanwhile, has proceeded to ricochet off Bilbo’s head, and has exploded, somewhat sensationally, in front of all the other hobbits, who find it utterly boring.


Other hobbits: Meh. *Go back about their business*


Merry and Pippin have emerged, and have taken off their helmets, and so are perfectly clean, with gelled hair and everything.


Merry: I say, Peregrin old chap, that was a jolly good show!


Pippin: Indeed, that was one of the most humorous and amusing spectacles I have seen in a long time.


Gandalf: *jogging over to Merry and Pippin* Yo, Mer, Pipster! Dudes!


Merry: Sir Gandalf?


Gandalf: Yo, I told ya, just call me Gandy! Duuuuuuude…. I just realised that Gandy rhymes with candy… Hey, ya guys want some candy?


Pippin: No, thank you, sir, we’re not hungry, as a matter of fact, and the Hobbiton Dental Association –


Merry: Founded by Master Peregrin and I


Pippin: has discovered that candy can cause cavities, and also prevent you from getting that pearly-white smile!


Merry: However, you can change all that, by brushing three –<br>

Gandalf: *interrupting* I’ll let you wash the dishes if you shut up.


Pippin: Oh, Meriadoc! Washing dishes, how fun!

Merry: But, Peregrin, what about educating Gandalf on the importance of dental hygiene?


Pippin: *whispering into Merry’s ear* We can educate him while we wash the dishes!


Merry: What an absolutely corking idea! All right, Gandalf, we accept your offer!


Merry and Pippin are now washing the dishes, and Gandalf is sitting there, trying to smuggle some candy into his mouth while the two hobbits are not looking.


Pippin: And remember, Gandalf, it is very important, that if you do not have access to a toothbrush after a meal or a snack, you should –


Gandalf: always floss with Hobbiton Dental Association Dental Floss, I KNOW! *whines* Now will you please leave me alone!


Bilbo: *calling as no one else will* SPEECH! SPEECH!


The hobbits look round in confusion as to who was yelling out at this abomination of a request.


Bilbo: Oh, if you insist! *climbs up onto platform*


Most of the hobbits sigh, and those who have been subjected to Bilbo’s speeches actually buried their faces in their arms and start crying, including Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf, much to Merry and Pippin’s surprise, as they love Bilbo’s intellectual speeches more than anything.


Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins! *murmurs of “why do we have to be related to him” come from the Baggins side* Tooks and Brandybucks *even more grumbling, except for Merry and Pippin who cheer* Grubbs! Chubbs! Hornblowers! Bolgers! Bracegirdles! *nothing coming from the crowd this time, as most are asleep* and Proudfoots!


Odo Proudfoot: PROUDFEET, STUPID! HOW MANY TMES MUST WE TELL YOU?!


Bilbo: Yeah, whatever, dude… Anyhow, today is my one-hundred-and-eleventh birthday!


Random hobbit in the crowd: Shouldn’t you be dead by now?


Bilbo: Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits! I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.


Gandalf looks confused, as do the hobbits, and Merry and Pippin are chortling away at Bilbo’s wisecrack.


Bilbo: I, er… have things to do. *takes out the Ring, and whispers* I’ve put this off for far too long.


The hobbits and Gandalf are still looking confused, only Gandalf has taken the opportunity of Merry and Pippin’s laughter to cram a whole load of candy into his mouth at once, so he now has a strawberry lace hanging out his mouth, chocolate around his mouth, and sprinkles stuck to the chocolate.


Bilbo: I regret to announce this is the end! I’m going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell. *Whispers* Goodbye.


He puts on the Ring, but nothing happens.


Bilbo: Oh, goddamit. *Tries again, but still, nothing* OH bugger this. Erm, ok, everyone, close your eyes, and count to ten!


The hobbits do as he says in the hopes that he’ll go away and leave them alone if he does. Bilbo meanwhile, runs to gather a few bits of cake and a mug of ale, and also any of the customary gifts that all hobbits give out on their birthdays that were nearby, and started running off. Unfortunately, they had already gotten to 9 by the time he had got the last gift.


Bilbo: Um, ok, make that a hundred!


The hobbits resume their counting and Bilbo runs off up to Bag End.


Bilbo/Hobbits: Suckers/Sucker!

[Paranoid Android]

Scene changes to Bilbo's living room, where we see Gandalf leaning against the mantelpiece, looking very agitated and impatient. Suddenly he hears noises coming from another room, and he runs off to see where the noise was coming from, and what on Middle Earth it was. He runs into a room, where he sees Bilbo watching MTV, and boogying to the Middle Earth version of Good Charlotte's "Girls and Boys": Gracious Arwen's "Men and Elves".

Bilbo: *singing* Men don't like elves, men like rings of power! Elves will laugh at men when they don't shower!

Gandalf: DUDE!!! That was SO awesome!!!!

Bilbo: What, the disappearing act or the singing?

Gandalf: Both, dude, I mean, telling everyone to look away when you ran away: pure, uh, brainy-ness! And your singing's not so bad either.. You could be the next Britney of Spearsland!

Bilbo: *obviously touched* You really think so?

Gandalf: I'd be the first at your concerts! Heck, I'll even be your manager!

The conversation carries on like this for several hours, with performances from Bilbo every so often, of such classics as "Hit Me Dwarfy One More Time" and "Oops I Ate It Again", the heart-wrenching tale of the only thing in a hobbit's pantry being his pet dog. Well, I think you can guess what happened. Anyway, several hours passed in this fashion, and then Gandalf remembered why he was supposed to have come.

Gandalf: DUDE!!!

At this random outburst, Bilbo jumped out of his seat and landed on the floor with a resounding thud. However, Gandalf didn't notice, or did but didn't care, and continued.

Gandalf: You HAVE to lend me that ring of yours! It is like so.. Nifty.

Bilbo: Yeah, sure, take it. It's dragging me down, man.

Gandalf: WOOHOOO! I shall rule the world! Ahem. I mean, I should probably give it to Frodo, what with his being your heir and all.

Bilbo: I know, he's such a gold-digging little bugger.

Gandalf: Yeah, get your stuff and leave. I'm planning a "Bilbo's gone" party. Kinda like a "Farewell, Bilbo" party, only without the Bilbo. It was a special request from the entire Shire for you not to be present..

Bilbo: Well I know when I'm unloved. And now is not the moment! *patriotic-sounding music starts playing in the background* I shall depart to Rivendell, where I will woo the love of my life!

Gandalf: I already told you, Bilbo, Elrond doesn't love you! *music is cut off with a sound that sounds like a record being cut off*

Bilbo: Who said anything about Elrond? I'm going after Glorfindel! He's such a little scamp!

Gandalf: Yes, well, like I said, I have a party to organise, and you have an elf to woo, so GO! NOW! RUN!

Bilbo: Ok, I'm going. But remember. I'll never let go, Jack!

Gandalf: *considering this* Wait a minute. You told me my name was Gandalf! Gan-dalf, remember? *understands* Bilbo, I told you that smoking was bad for you! Especially hallucinogenic weed!

Bilbo: OooooooOOOOOOooh. Gandy used a big word. Lucy-no-Jenny! Gandalf's confused about his love life! *starts giggling insanely, most likely due to the Lucy-no-Jenny, I mean hallucinogenic, weed*

Gandalf: Riiiight. Now, off you go *shoving Bilbo towards the door*, and don't worry, I'll torture Frodo while you're gone. *shoves Bilbo out of the door who gives a loud cheer at the idea of Frodo getting tortured in his absence*

Bilbo: I've thought up an ending for my book. "And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days."

Gandalf: HA! Like hell you will! You'll get to Rivendell, get rejected by Glorfindel, mope around for a few weeks, then you'll try and get together with every elf in Rivendell, get rejected by every elf in Rivendell, mope around for a few months, then move on to Lothlorien and try it with all the elves there, get rejected by all the elves there and then move to Mir-

Bilbo: OK! I get the picture! But there's no need to be so mean about it. *sniff*

Bilbo started walking off into the distance, and as he did, the sounds of the Ketchup song started ringing through the air, and suddenly, Bilbo started dancing very frivolously. Gandalf decided that it was not exactly something he wanted to be witness to, so he hastily went back inside to wait for Frodo to return. When Frodo came running in, he found Gandalf sitting at the fireplace.

Gandalf: Ooooooh.. Pretty flames.

Frodo: He's gone hasn't he?

Gandalf: *leaning closer to the fire* Fire gooood..

Frodo: He talked for so long about leaving, I've been hopefully waiting for him to actually go through with it!

The fire, meanwhile, has singed Gandalf's eyebrows, and so he is now hopping around the room in agony screaming something only understood by himself.

Gandalf: The fire betrayed me! The fire betrayed me! GAAAAAAH!!!!!

Frodo: Oh shut up, you oversized prune, you finally got rid of those caterpillars on your forehead!

Gandalf: *stopping* There were caterpillars on my forehead? *Frodo nods* AAAAH! UNCLEAN!!!!! UNCLEAN!!!! *starts swatting at imaginary caterpillars*

Frodo: Gandalf, dude, you're not a leper! Wait. I take that back.

Gandalf: DUDE! I am SO not a leopard. If anything, I'm a panther. Roar. Grrrr. *starts pretending to be a panther and "roaring"*

Frodo: You know, Gandalf, I'd be worried about you, if I actually cared.

Gandalf: *looks up from his "panthering"* What's that, Frodo-dude? Meh, never mind. I'm too drunk and high on sugar to care.

At this point, the sugar after-burn seems to kick in, and Gandalf starts twitching and going jittery, much to the indifference as Frodo, because, like he said, he'd only get worried if he actually cared. So Frodo lets Gandalf continue with his jittery sugar-fuelled hyperness, and decides to flick through the channels on the TV, until.

Gandalf: *louder than usual, which is really saying something* DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!

Frodo: *jumps out of his bean bag chair* WHAT?! What is it?!

Gandalf: It's - it's - it's - oh, damn, I forgot.

Frodo: *rolls eyes and goes back to watching TV*

Gandalf: OOH OOH OOH!!

Frodo: What now, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Ohhhhh, I forgot again.

Frodo: Gandalf.

Gandalf: Yeah?

Frodo: You're a retard.

Gandalf: *sniff* Really? That's the nicest thing anyone has EVER said to me.

Frodo: Yeah, I'm just so friendly.

Gandalf: Yes. Yes you are. You deserve a reward!

Frodo: *suspecting chewed up sweets or a hairball* No, dude, really, it's fine.

Gandalf: No, I insist. You must take this ring. It's Bilbo's old ring.

Frodo: I don't want it. It clashes with my outfit.

Gandalf: Not if you learn how to accessorize properly! And your hair SO needs a make-over. Here, lemme sort this out. *gives Frodo a make-over that takes 7 hours* Oh my gawd, hunnay! You look like, SO divine! You're SO fabulous!

Frodo: *looks at himself in the mirror, and gets all squealy* I feel like a princess! Oh, THANK you, Gandalf!

Gandalf: It's simple when you know how, dahling.

[Paranoid Android]

Woah, my story's really quite rubbish. I just re-read it, and oh my heavenly goodness, it's bad. So very bad! Ah well, I'll put in some hopefully better chapters at a later date.

[Hobbit-eyes]

It's not bad!!! It's really good!!! (grabs your poor neglected self-esteem and hugs it, and feeds it marshmallows)

[Paranoid Android]

Eeeeee, marshmallows... *munches on marshmallows*

[reasonably_crazy]

"Frodo: You know, Gandalf, I'd be worried about you, if I actually cared."

*giggle* very cute. Eat those marshmallows (or share, if you like ) and post more!

[Paranoid Android]

Well, I'm in a sharing mood, so *hands you a solitary marshmallow*. Now if you prod it 5 times, then dance around it while singing the Mexican Hat song or whatever it's called, it'll multiply into many magic mmmmy marshmallows. Now THAT's alliteration...

[reasonably_crazy]

Squee! *prods marshmallow* *prod* *prod* *prod* *prod* *prod*

Yay for being amused!!!

Speaking of which.... Update the storyness?

[Paranoid Android]

HA! It'll take me ages before I get round to it... I'm way too busy at the moment, and when I got that off ff.net (the original file is on my old computer) I think it said the last time I'd updated was January... Maybe I should wait til then just so it'll be a year?

[reasonably_crazy]

nasty little fairy...

You make me sad.

But I have marshmallows. *glomp*