Post by Becky on Apr 2, 2005 15:48:45 GMT -5
Yes, it's weird. Yes, the grammar isn't fantastic. This is a bizarre Ring parody I wrote in the early hours of the morning....
The Ring Ficlet: Samara Has a Makeover
Just to reiterate, I don’t own the rights to any of these characters. I
do, however, own a very nice set of waterless cookware in beige.
BECKY: You see, I felt really sorry for Samara, which is why I decided to watch that weird blank tape...I figured that I might be able to make her feel better...
TV: *turns on and flickers randomly*
BECKY: Ah-hah...we have lift-off...
SAMARA: *crawls out of the screen*
BECKY: Ah, Samara. Now, I understand that you’re probably feeling very angry right now, and are probably feeling a lot of negative emotions.
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Now, I’ve booked you some therapy, but for now, let’s dry that hair for you. *whips out hairdryer and turns it on full blast, blowing Samara’s hair back like she’s in a wind tunnel*
SAMARA: *screws up face*
BECKY: Now, doesn’t that feel better? I always feel better when my hair’s nice and dry, don’t you?
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Now, I’m just going to give you some subtle layering to show off those cheekbones a bit and give your hair some bounce. *pulls out styling products and curling tongs*
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Oh, not feeling very talkative today? There, doesn’t that look better? Now, you could do with some serious highlights, but for now, I’m just going to spray on some conditioner to deal with that straggly quality your hair has and cut off those split ends for you. OK?
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Right. Now, let’s get you out of that wet nightie. I’ve got three choices of dress for you: one with heart patterns and pink lace smocking, one with kitten patterns and bows and one with horse patterns. Now, I understand that you’re probably not crazy about horses, so I guess it’s between the kittens and the hearts, huh?
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Which one, sweetie? Kittens or hearts?
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Not sure? Well, in my opinion, the hearts would look just dandy on you, but then the kittens would match the white ankle socks with bows on I bought you better.
SAMARA: *points numbly at hearts*
BECKY: Great choice! Now, let me slip this on for you... don’t you look lovely? Do you want to have a look in the mirror? There you go!
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: A little overwhelmed? That’s OK, sweetie, but we’ve barely begun! Now, just pull these socks on and I’ll fetch those lovely patent leather shoes I got!
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: You want me to put them on for you? OK...*puts on shoes and socks* There we go! Now, do you like your outfit?
SAMARA: *whispers* All will suffer.
BECKY: Will they? That’s nice, honey. Now, I’m going to put on a little blusher for you to put some colour in your cheeks. Because you have such a pale complexion, I’m going to mix it with a little foundation to dilute the colour a little.
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Hmmm... you know, your eyes are your best feature, so I think I’ll emphasise them a little with a touch of mascara, OK sweetie?
SAMARA: ...
ANNIE: *comes in* Hey, how’s the makeover going?
BECKY: Just finishing up! *adds touch of mascara* What do you think? Too much?
ANNIE: Nah, I like it. I think she could use a manicure and pedicure, you know. That skin looks awfully rough and dry. Oh my God! Are those scales?
BECKY: Sssssshhhhh! Her skin’s just in need of a little light moisturising, that’s all. Go and fetch the foot spa and nail file, would you? And my French manicure set is on my bedside table.
ANNIE: OK! *goes to fetch stuff*
BECKY: Right, while we wait for her to come back, I’m going to rub a little moisturiser into your arms and hands to soften up the skin a little and sort out that odd scaly effect, OK?
SAMARA: ...
ANNIE: *comes back in* Hey, I got everything except the foot spa, I couldn’t find it.
BECKY: Oh well, we can do without it. I think French tips, don’t you? Nothing too extravagant or OTT for a first manicure?
ANNIE: Yeah, I’d agree with that. Hey, I like what you’ve done with her hair!
BECKY: I wasn’t sure if it would be too much, but I think it works. There, doesn’t she look lovely?
SAMARA: *growls*
BECKY: Oh, look at that smile!
SAMARA: *growls and frowns*
BECKY: Oooh, we do have issues, don’t we? Don’t worry, dear, the therapist will sort those out for you. But for now, would you like a lollipop? *holds out strawberry lolly*
SAMARA: *nods mutely and grabs lolly*
BECKY: Say thank you, honey.
SAMARA: *whispers* All will suffer...I mean, thanks very much.
BECKY: You know, I think she’s learning.
DOORBELL: *ring!!!!*
BECKY: Ah, the therapist is here! *opens door*
THERAPIST: Ah, hello! Now, would you prefer hot chocolate or tea?
SAMARA: ...
THERAPIST: Hot chocolate it is! Cream or marshmallows?
SAMARA: ...
THERAPIST: Both? OK! *makes drinks* Now, dear... tell me about your father.
SAMARA: *blank stare*
Half an hour later
SAMARA: *wipes eyes with tissue* So, you see, I never really felt I belonged! Plus, the horses used to spit on me...
THERAPIST: Right, dear. I’ll see you again next week...
SAMARA: I feel much better now.
THERAPIST: Yes, but we’ve barely scratched the surface! For instance *checks notes* we’ve barely even started on the obvious sexual chemistry between you and your sibling...
SAMARA: My what?
THERAPIST: Now, Meg, that’s what’s called ‘denial.’<br>
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Um, excuse me? Yeah, her name’s Samara.
THERAPIST: Seriously? So you’re not Meg White?
SAMARA: *condescending look*
THERAPIST: Hmmm... that’s very interesting. So you are?
SAMARA: *glare*
THERAPIST: Perhaps we should start afresh. So dear...tell me about your father.
SAMARA: *blank look*
THERAPIST: Right, I’m sensing some bad vibes here. Tell you what, let’s reschedule. When’s good for you?
SAMARA: *whispers* Seven days.
THERAPIST: OK! It’s a date. Ciao!
The Ring Ficlet: Samara Has a Makeover
Just to reiterate, I don’t own the rights to any of these characters. I
do, however, own a very nice set of waterless cookware in beige.
BECKY: You see, I felt really sorry for Samara, which is why I decided to watch that weird blank tape...I figured that I might be able to make her feel better...
TV: *turns on and flickers randomly*
BECKY: Ah-hah...we have lift-off...
SAMARA: *crawls out of the screen*
BECKY: Ah, Samara. Now, I understand that you’re probably feeling very angry right now, and are probably feeling a lot of negative emotions.
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Now, I’ve booked you some therapy, but for now, let’s dry that hair for you. *whips out hairdryer and turns it on full blast, blowing Samara’s hair back like she’s in a wind tunnel*
SAMARA: *screws up face*
BECKY: Now, doesn’t that feel better? I always feel better when my hair’s nice and dry, don’t you?
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Now, I’m just going to give you some subtle layering to show off those cheekbones a bit and give your hair some bounce. *pulls out styling products and curling tongs*
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Oh, not feeling very talkative today? There, doesn’t that look better? Now, you could do with some serious highlights, but for now, I’m just going to spray on some conditioner to deal with that straggly quality your hair has and cut off those split ends for you. OK?
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Right. Now, let’s get you out of that wet nightie. I’ve got three choices of dress for you: one with heart patterns and pink lace smocking, one with kitten patterns and bows and one with horse patterns. Now, I understand that you’re probably not crazy about horses, so I guess it’s between the kittens and the hearts, huh?
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Which one, sweetie? Kittens or hearts?
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Not sure? Well, in my opinion, the hearts would look just dandy on you, but then the kittens would match the white ankle socks with bows on I bought you better.
SAMARA: *points numbly at hearts*
BECKY: Great choice! Now, let me slip this on for you... don’t you look lovely? Do you want to have a look in the mirror? There you go!
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: A little overwhelmed? That’s OK, sweetie, but we’ve barely begun! Now, just pull these socks on and I’ll fetch those lovely patent leather shoes I got!
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: You want me to put them on for you? OK...*puts on shoes and socks* There we go! Now, do you like your outfit?
SAMARA: *whispers* All will suffer.
BECKY: Will they? That’s nice, honey. Now, I’m going to put on a little blusher for you to put some colour in your cheeks. Because you have such a pale complexion, I’m going to mix it with a little foundation to dilute the colour a little.
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Hmmm... you know, your eyes are your best feature, so I think I’ll emphasise them a little with a touch of mascara, OK sweetie?
SAMARA: ...
ANNIE: *comes in* Hey, how’s the makeover going?
BECKY: Just finishing up! *adds touch of mascara* What do you think? Too much?
ANNIE: Nah, I like it. I think she could use a manicure and pedicure, you know. That skin looks awfully rough and dry. Oh my God! Are those scales?
BECKY: Sssssshhhhh! Her skin’s just in need of a little light moisturising, that’s all. Go and fetch the foot spa and nail file, would you? And my French manicure set is on my bedside table.
ANNIE: OK! *goes to fetch stuff*
BECKY: Right, while we wait for her to come back, I’m going to rub a little moisturiser into your arms and hands to soften up the skin a little and sort out that odd scaly effect, OK?
SAMARA: ...
ANNIE: *comes back in* Hey, I got everything except the foot spa, I couldn’t find it.
BECKY: Oh well, we can do without it. I think French tips, don’t you? Nothing too extravagant or OTT for a first manicure?
ANNIE: Yeah, I’d agree with that. Hey, I like what you’ve done with her hair!
BECKY: I wasn’t sure if it would be too much, but I think it works. There, doesn’t she look lovely?
SAMARA: *growls*
BECKY: Oh, look at that smile!
SAMARA: *growls and frowns*
BECKY: Oooh, we do have issues, don’t we? Don’t worry, dear, the therapist will sort those out for you. But for now, would you like a lollipop? *holds out strawberry lolly*
SAMARA: *nods mutely and grabs lolly*
BECKY: Say thank you, honey.
SAMARA: *whispers* All will suffer...I mean, thanks very much.
BECKY: You know, I think she’s learning.
DOORBELL: *ring!!!!*
BECKY: Ah, the therapist is here! *opens door*
THERAPIST: Ah, hello! Now, would you prefer hot chocolate or tea?
SAMARA: ...
THERAPIST: Hot chocolate it is! Cream or marshmallows?
SAMARA: ...
THERAPIST: Both? OK! *makes drinks* Now, dear... tell me about your father.
SAMARA: *blank stare*
Half an hour later
SAMARA: *wipes eyes with tissue* So, you see, I never really felt I belonged! Plus, the horses used to spit on me...
THERAPIST: Right, dear. I’ll see you again next week...
SAMARA: I feel much better now.
THERAPIST: Yes, but we’ve barely scratched the surface! For instance *checks notes* we’ve barely even started on the obvious sexual chemistry between you and your sibling...
SAMARA: My what?
THERAPIST: Now, Meg, that’s what’s called ‘denial.’<br>
SAMARA: ...
BECKY: Um, excuse me? Yeah, her name’s Samara.
THERAPIST: Seriously? So you’re not Meg White?
SAMARA: *condescending look*
THERAPIST: Hmmm... that’s very interesting. So you are?
SAMARA: *glare*
THERAPIST: Perhaps we should start afresh. So dear...tell me about your father.
SAMARA: *blank look*
THERAPIST: Right, I’m sensing some bad vibes here. Tell you what, let’s reschedule. When’s good for you?
SAMARA: *whispers* Seven days.
THERAPIST: OK! It’s a date. Ciao!