Paint Wars

[Tiana Calthye]

Hey, it's a Mary-Sue... only because of its ending. And it's pointless. And... my Master admitted we were 'Sue's, anyway... sigh.

Heck, I'll just copy and paste from fanfic.net here.

Paint Wars: The Saga of the Garlic

Rating: G

Warning: Read it and weep... if your brain doesn't overheat first. Jandalf even admitted she couldn't read more than one episode of it without her head hurting. It's that hard to follow/understand/survive.

Poster: img.photobucket.com/albums/v146/Ennaani/Sigs%20and%20Avatars/Paint_Wars_posterfin.jpg (have more, will dig out later)

Now... *copies and pastes*

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... there were Jedi Knights. And these Jedi were the upholders of the peace... and the wielders of the Force...
The masters were serious all the time, and the Jedi Temple was a place of quiet contemplation... well, not all the time... Sometimes strange things happened...

(In the background, Yoda is heard screaming... "Turned PINK, I AM... LOOK LIKE A COTTON CANDY BALL, I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")


Paint Wars: The Garlic Menace...


...(Star Wars theme music plays)...


The story that makes no sense regarding an AU plot that just might've happened so that makes it not AU, but yet it is AU and I can't tell you why but it is the tale regarding two Padawans and their masters, one of which is familiar, and the other is not...


Well, that wasn't too bad... well, you haven't read the story yet...


Disclaimer: One Jedi master belongs to Jandalf the Orange and one Padawan belongs to me, Elf with a lightsaber. And the garlic belongs to us as well. However, almost everything else belongs to George Lucas. This story was wrote by Jandalf the Orange, and I, Elf with a lightsaber. I was the one who wrote it out though... Jandalf, I hope you don't mind, I changed it just a little... and posted it...


Okay, here goes.


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there were 152763 Jedi that were serious all the time... however, there were 3 who weren't... but even they had their serious times. We come in on the Jedi Knight, Jandalf Or'aange, and her young (and short) Padawan (Who also looked somewhat like an elf...), Tiana Elass.

We come into the story during one of those serious moments... (Which happened more often then you'd think...)


"Percents are scary," said Tiana, thinking about math, for some odd reason.

"Remember your place, Padawan," replied Jandalf, for some reason, no one but her could fathom.

Tiana was silent, also for no reason.

"Percents..."

"Yes, master?"

"You get used to percents after a while," finished Jandalf.

"You do?!" asked Tiana, losing her place. "Err, I mean, Master?"

"...And rational numbers... And imaginary numbers... and..."

"I get the point, Master."

"Yeah," said Jandalf. "Stuff like that..."

"...Right... sure..." said Tiana.

Jandalf sighed.

"Master?" asked Tiana.

"Algebra is the bane of human kind, Padawan," said Jandalf, after a time.

I will be annoying, though Tiana.

"Um, yes, master."

"Ohhhh, no you don't!"

"What, master?!" asked Tiana.

"No annoyance from you, young Padawan."

"I didn't do it!" protested Tiana. "I wasn't the one dyed Yoda PINK!!!"

"...Sigh..." Jandalf sighed.

Tiana grinned at her master's seeming dismay.

"...But Lindo was the one who paintballed the White House," said Jandalf, grinning quietly, thinking about a character that doesn't even exist in this story.

"...She WHAT, master??" asked Tiana.

"...with a tank... sigh, I know, Padawan. Our relations with the U.S. will steadily deteriorate.

"...Yes, Master," said Tiana, sighing.

"Padawan?" asked Jandalf.

"I know, I understand, master," said Tiana, frustrated.

"Padawan?" asked Jandalf, again.

"What, master?" asked Tiana, frustrated again. She got like that a lot.

"Just checking," said Jandalf.

"...I didn't do it..." said Tiana.

Jandalf sighed. "I know, Padawan."

"I really never dyed Yoda PINK!" insisted Tiana.

"I know," said Jandalf. "...Um... I did," she admitted.

"... Master?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" exclaimed Tiana.

"Well, that is... I was an associate with the crime..." said Jandalf "...I helped Master Windu." She grimaced. "Um, yeah. I'm on janitorial duty this week as punishment."

"Oh." Tiana stopped. "Well, I don't tell, master, if that is your concern... okay. I am sorry."

Jandalf smirked. "...And Yoda looks like a cotton candy ball... snrk."

"...Yes," said Tiana. "Yes, he does indeed, master."

"Don't be sorry, Padawan... it was so worth it..." She continued when Tiana looked at her, confused. "The look on his face... but, Padawan, don't tell him I said that." Jandalf looked at Tiana suspiciously. "...Padawan?"

"I will not, master."

"PADAWAN!!!" shouted Jandalf.

"I am here, master," said Tiana, edging away.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING??" shouted Jandalf.

"...Errrrr..." said Tiana, continuing to edge away.

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HIM, ARE YOU??" screamed Jandalf, sounding faintly like 152763 people fuming.

[Tiana Calthye]

"Um, no?" asked Tiana.

"Padawaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn........" said Jandalf, menacingly.

"...I am sorry, master, but I just couldn't..." started Tiana.

Jandalf sighed.

"...help but turn Yoda blue...?" said Tiana, cringing. "Master, why are you crying?"

Jandalf snickered. "That's what color he was going to appear as originally anyway..."

"...Okay..." said Tiana.

"I am crying because you are cutting an onion, Padawan," replied Jandalf.

"Okay, I am sorry, master," replied Tiana. "...master?"

"Yes, Padawan?" asked Jandalf. "What is it?"

"Umm... were you eating garlic?" asked Tiana.

"...Guilty as charged. I love garlic," said Jandalf. "It's a healthy food, Padawan."

"...I know..., master," said Tiana, hesitantly, for she knew the dangers of garlic. "But still..."

"Keeps you going." Jandalf stopped, and looked at her Padawan, who was cringing away from her for some odd reason. "I know... the breath." She glared at her Padawan, who was still edging away nervously.

Tiana sighed. "Don't breathe on me, master..."

"Don't worry, plug your nostrils with the Force, young Padawan."

"Okay, master," said Tiana, very hesitantly.

"It'll work, trust me," replied Jandalf.

"Okay, master."

"I had tried it when Master Yoda had eaten a garlic pizza," said Jandalf, grinning ruefully.

"Ooooooooookay, master," said Tiana.

"But really," said Jandalf, "have some garlic... we can suffer together."

"...remind me never to get Master Yoda one of those," said Tiana, taking the garlic. "Okay, master..."

"You don't have to say "master" in every single sentence, you know," said Jandalf. "Just occasionally."

Tiana took the garlic, and ate it. "Help, gack, I'm... dying... akkkkkkkkkk..."

Jandalf continued, not noticing her Padawan turning blue. "No, you don't want to talk to Yoda after he's eaten a garlic pizza..." She turned to Tiana. "...Are you okay, Padawan?"

"...bad breath, oh the terror... gack..." said Tiana, clutching her throat.

Jandalf grabbed Tiana, and attempted the Heimilich maneuver.

"Noooooooo... master, save me!!!" gasped Tiana.

Jandalf tried again. "It's coming out!!!"

Tiana coughed. "Gack. Thank you, master."

"KEEP BREATHING!!!!"

"That's the key," muttered Tiana. "Gack, hair ball." She glared at her master, who had used the Force to make her choke. "Keep breathing," she muttered.

"Let's get you down to the medical ward, Padawan," said Jandalf, smiling. "Ohh... the breath..." She fainted.

Haldir appeared momentarily. "NO! YOU CANNOT BREATHE!!!!" he screamed. Then Tiana used Force-lightning on him, and he disappeared.

"MASTER!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Tiana. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

"I'm... I'm okay, Padawan," said Jandalf.

"Okay, I won't breathe on you again," Tiana said, glaring at Haldir, whom she felt glaring at her. She zapped him again, and he disappeared in an orange flash that sounded suspiciously like 152763 people saying 'Kavaam'. She glared at Jandalf, who was grinning sneakily. "Err, just a nasty lump on my head, is all," she said, shaking away the smirk.

"All right," said Tiana doubtfully.

"Okay... okay... good..." said Jandalf. "Whooooaaa..." she breathed out.

"You must go into a healing trance!" exclaimed Tiana, moving out of range of the garlic breath.

"I'm going to brush my teeth now, Padawan... and I recommend you do too," said Jandalf.

"It'll save you though!"

"Yes, after I brush my teeth," said Jandalf, giving in to her pesky Padawan. "And gargle with Scope," she added.

"All right," said Tiana. "You mean you don't want the Jedi Counsel to die from our breath?"

Jandalf brushed her teeth frantically.

"Master, why not...?" asked Tiana.

Jandalf gurgled frantically, and spit into the sink that appeared randomly.

Tiana sighed, and brushed out of example.

"Ahhh, much better," said Jandalf. "Yes, Padawan, you must master the art of brushing."

Tiana grabbed a bottle of arsenic and gargled.

"...um..." said Jandalf. "That's not a good idea, Padawan..."

"...Master, was that toothpaste...?" asked Tiana.

"Try the Scope, instead," suggested Jandalf. "And no, that was shaving cream..."

"Or mouth wash...?" asked Tiana, nervously.

"Why do we have shaving cream?" asked Jandalf, contemplating. "..."

"Okay... Um, it tasted like... EWWWWWWW!!! SHAVING CREAM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" screamed Tiana, spitting into the sink wildly.

"Oh, well," said Jandalf. "Try this," she said, handing over a tube.

"WHY WAS THERE SHAVING CREAM HERE?" screamed Tiana once she had got the shaving cream mixed with arsenic flavor out of her mouth. "DID YOU HAVE OBI-WAN OVER AGAIN?" she continued.

"Um... yes," answered Jandalf.

"Master......................." said Tiana, implying that she had done something terrible, "you know the laws..."

"He stayed in the spare room because Qui-Gon had eaten garlic..." said Jandalf, as if that was perfectly acceptable. "Yes, I know, Padawan."

"...okay..." said Tiana.

"It was perfectly all right," said Jandalf, using the Force.

"Okay, master, I trust you," replied Tiana. "But did you know that Qui-Gon is dead?"

"Obi-Wan is gone now, but apparently he didn't take his shaving cream along," said Jandalf.

"All right..." said Tiana.

Suddenly there was a flash of orange light, and a sound that sounded faintly like 152763 people saying 'Kavaam'. Jandalf grinned slyly. "Hey, there's Obi-Wan now... OBI-WAN!!! Obi-Wan!!!"

"Hi, master Obi-Wan," said Tiana. "Wanna garlic?"

"Obi-Wan, here's your shaving cream..." said Jandalf.

Tiana grinned.

"Padawaaannnnn..." said Jandalf, very warningly.

"What, master?" asked Tiana, innocently. She grinned slyly.

"Thanks, I was looking for that," said Obi-Wan, taking the garlic. "...garlic???"

"Yes, Master Obi-Wan," said Tiana.

"Padawan, do not offer people garlic," ordered Jandalf.

"Okay, master," said Tiana, giggling.

"I think I'll pass, thank you," said Obi-Wan, edging away nervously.

"I did brush," said Tiana. <(^^)>

[Tiana Calthye]

Jandalf sighed. "See you later, Obi-Wan."

"All right..." said Tiana, using the Force. "You want the garlic..."

"No, I do not want garlic," said Obi-Wan.

"Yes, you do want garlic," said Tiana.

"..." said Obi-Wan.

"...Want garlic, you do," said Tiana.

"No, it stinks," said Obi-Wan.

"Want it. you do..." said Tiana. "Good for you, the smell is."

"Quit imitating Yoda, young Padawan," ordered Obi-Wan.

<(^^)>

Tiana sniffled. "Yes, master Obi-Wan,"

"Yes, I tend to agree... Padawan, put that garlic bulb away before Obi-Wan passes out," instructed Jandalf.

Obi-Wan fainted.

"But he isn't a master, why am I calling him that?" asked Tiana. "Oh, I guess he is sorta..."

"Oh, now look what you've done..." lamented Jandalf.

"I'm so sorry, master," said Tiana.

"Yeah, I'm sure you are," muttered Jandalf. "Put the bulb away."

Tiana ate the garlic in one shot.

"In a Ziploc bag..." said Jandalf.

"Gack," gasped Tiana, choking on the garlic... again.

"Oh, nooooooo..." said Jandalf.

"Oops," said Tiana.

Jandalf attempted the Heimlich maneuver again.

"I mustn't breathe..." gasped Tiana, trying to spare her master... then she changed her mind. "Keep breathing... gasp..."

"Yes!!! BREATHE, YOUNG PADAWAN!!!!!" shouted Jandalf, shaking Tiana. "WHILE THERE IS BREATH, THERE IS STILL HOPE!!!!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKK..." said Tiana. "help... she is choking me... master, let go!!!"

Obi-Wan stood up. "I think I'm going to leave, now... bye..." He edged away nervously.

"Oh, sorry, Padawan..." said Jandalf.

"Um, bye master Obi-Wan," said Tiana. "...save me..."

Obi-Wan walked off. "Bye."

"Hey, I let go," exclaimed Jandalf.

Tiana sighed. "Sorry, master."

"You're fine," said Jandalf, "and don't eat any more garlic," she added, in way of a command.

"No, I scared Obi... I won't, master."

"Yes, you did," said Jandalf. She sighed.

"I'm so sorry," said Tiana.

"That's okay," replied Jandalf, forlornly.

"All right, master." Tiana looked at her forlorn master. "Want some garlic?"

"Now, perhaps we can eat some real food..." Jandalf looked at her Padawan. "AKK!!! PUT THAT AWAY!!!!!"

Tiana pouted.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." said Jandalf, threatening to kavaam her somewhere.

"Okay, master," said Tiana.

(Ten Ziploc bags later...)
Jandalf sighed.

"I can still smell it," said Tiana.

"Wherever did you get all that?!" asked Jandalf.

"I really don't know..." started Tiana. And then it hit her. "ANAKIN................"

"What? Where?" asked Jandalf.

"COME HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Tiana.

"" said Jandalf.

"HE GAVE ME THE GARLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*Clueless master*

"Um, I am sorry, master..."

"WHAT!!!!" exclaimed Jandalf, as she realized what Tiana had said. "C'MERE, YOU LITTLE BRAT!!!!!"

"Help..." squeaked Anakin.

"AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed Jandalf, as she grabbed Anakin into a strangle hold.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY APPRENTICE???" screamed Obi-Wan.

"Ummm... MASTER, SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!" shouted Tiana, as Obi-Wan attempted to Force-strangle her.

Obi-Wan attempted to pry Jandalf away from Anakin once he had decided that Tiana wasn't going to save her master.

Anakin turned blue.

Obi-Wan smacked Jandalf on the head with a medal pole.

Tiana sat up, and shouted at her master, "MASTER, YOU MUST LET GO OF YOUR HATE!!!!!!!!"

"There, she's unconscious," said Obi-Wan.

"Please, help me," squeaked Anakin.

"Um, you knocked out my master..." said Tiana.

"Let's get you down to the med ward..." said Obi-Wan to Anakin.

"Master??" asked Tiana. "MASTER??? DIE, OBI-WAN!!!!!!!..."

"Yes, I did it out of necessity. Don't worry, she'll be all right... I hope..." said Obi-Wan.

Tiana drew her lightsaber. "...DIE................"

"Ummmmmm.... what... ACK!" said Obi-Wan.

"Enter the AU..." said Tiana, menacingly.

"Hey, Padawan," said Jandalf. "...What...?! PUT THAT AWAY BEFORE YOU GET SOMEONE KILLED!!!!"

"I WILL TURN DARK..." hissed Anakin. "AND ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!!!!!"

"Mwha-ha-ha... I HAVE A LIGHTSABER..." said Tiana.

"OH, NO YOU WON'T YOU LITTLE BRAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Jandalf at Anakin.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" laughed Tiana.

"C'MERE!!!!" shouted Jandalf.

Jandalf smacked Anakin.

"OUCH!" said Anakin.

"Ouch," said Tiana.

Jandalf smacked Anakin again!

"I STILL HAVE THE GARLIC!!!" shouted Tiana.

Jandalf smacked Anakin really, really hard.

"Master... here," said Tiana, tossing her the garlic.

Jandalf ate the garlic. "Aaaaaaaahhhhh, much better." She burped. "Hey, why is Obi-..."

"Okay, great," said Tiana, cutting her off, and playing with her lightsaber nervously.

"...Wan dead?" finished Jandalf.

Anakin died from the garlic breath.

"Padawan?" asked Jandalf.

"Um, I am sorry, master?" asked Tiana, edging away nervously.

"Padawan, did you kill Obi-Wan?"

"Um, did you kill Anakin, master?"

"...Yeah," replied Jandalf. "He had it comin'."

"...I have the right to remain silent?"

"...rrrrrrrrr..." growled Jandalf.

"Master???" asked Tiana, growing rather nervous.

"Oh well," said Jandalf, dropping her scowl. "We'll clone him!"

"Okay! Great plan!" said Tiana.

Jandalf took a genetic sample so that they could clone him

"Both of them," said Tiana.

"Oh, no," replied Jandalf.

Tiana sighed.

"Just Obi-Wan," said Jandalf.

"No, Ani too. Must save the ONE!" insisted Tiana.

"We don't need any more Chosen Ones running around here, offering Padawans garlic!" said Jandalf. "Doesn't matter."

"Okay, master," said Tiana, hiding the rest of the garlic. "Yep."

"Padawan, I saw that," said Jandalf sternly.

"Sorry, master," said Tiana.

Suddenly, a smell of garlic wafted through the area. The two Jedi turned to see a very pink and blue Yoda ordering a garlic pizza with an evil smile on his face.

Tiana grimaced as she stuck the garlic in her pocket, and deactivated her lightsaber. "Well, here we go again, master," she said.

***
End Episode I. Your head hurt yet?