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Post by Paranoid Android on Feb 4, 2005 7:52:51 GMT -5
"Ok," said Frankie, "All we have to do is work out the code!"
"YAY! GIMME!" yelled Katie.
"NOOOO!! YOU GET TO BE THE SERIOUS ONE, SO I WANNA CRACK THE CODE!!!"
"But, I wannaaa...." whined Katie.
"You let me crack the code, or I'll blame you for my lack of pink sparklies..." Frankie replied threateningly.
"Ok, ok..." Katie backed off slowly, trying to look calm, but the terror the last statement had made had sent fear into her very heart! MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Ahem. Apologies. So, Frankie set about trying to crack the code.
"Ok, so the first mistake is the "n" in "Father Christnas", it's supposed to be "m", so that's our first letter. Then there's an extra "t" on "shortt", so, in the first line, we have "mt"."
"Mt?" asked Alex. "What word starts with Mt?"
"I KNOW!" yelled Katie.
"Pink sparklies...." threatened Frankie.
Katie mumbled a bit and stopped, but started doing Frankie's little hoppy dance.
"Then it says supposebly, so that's supposed to be a d...."
"mtd?" asked Helen. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"OH COME ON, PEOPLE!!!!" screamed Katie in frustration.
"SPARKLIES!" barked Frankie, and Katie was immediately subdued, but had taken to pacing.
"Then there's an extra o on too... mtdo... That makes no sense."
"Hey! Mt stands for Mount!" proclaimed Kathryn triumphantly, as she had suddenly turned into her genius hat.
"Yeeees..." said Katie impatiently. "NOW GUESS!"
This time Frankie just glared at Katie, who started to twitch with annoyance.
"Mt Do..." continued Frankie. "What mountain starts with Do?"
"I don't know," said everyone else, bar Katie, simultaneously.
"IT'S MOUNT DOOM, OK!? IT'S VERY EASY! THE EASTER BUNNY IS MEETING SOMEONE AT NOON AT MOUNT DOOM!!!!!!" Well, I think you can guess that was Katie, having finally burst.
Frankie advanced on Katie, looking angry. Everyone closed their eyes to avoid witnessing the horror that was to befall Katie, and waited for the screams.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Feb 4, 2005 18:09:06 GMT -5
As Frankie advanced threateningly, the group wondered what she was going to do. Was she going to tickle her? Bite her? Or maybe even touch her neck?
But she surprised them all. When she was just a metre away, she stopped - and smiled.
"The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of, can you pass me some rope?" she asked sweetly.
Everyone gasped in horror. She NEVER addressed The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of Bloom politely. "She must have some wicked and dastardly scheme!" said Alex.
"Wicked!" said Helen.
"And dastardly!" said Mort.
"POTATOES!" shouted Jackie.
"Just give me the rope, The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of," she said, teeth now slightly gritted.
"Uh," said The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of nervously, "What are you going to do?-"
"ROPE!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!" yelled Frankie. The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of hurriedly handed over some rope.
"Now, Katie," said Frankie sweetly again, making her back away in fear, "I'm sorry to do this, but it's for my own good." She took a deep breath. "SO, LYK, OMG, WASN'T THERE TOTALLY SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN ALL THE HOBBITS?"
Katie screamed.
"AND ISN'T THE WHOLE THING WITH THEM AND GANDALF KINDA PERVY? COS THEY'RE, LIKE, WAIST HEIGHT..."
Katie had covered her ears and was rocking backwards and forwards.
"AND IT MAKES ME WONDER JUST WHAT THE HOBBITS WERE REALLY DOING IN ALL THOSE TENTS AT BILBO'S PARTY..."
It was too much. Katie collapsed onto the ground. Frankie quickly sat on her, and tied her hands behind her back.
"That was cruel, Frankie," said Alex, "Almost too much so."
"I know," beamed Frankie, "Wasn't it ingenious and devious of me? Please note the rhyme."
"Uh... yeah," said Jack, "Now, are you going to let the poor lass up?"
"Oh no," said Frankie, "My torture's only just beginning. I'm tying her hands behind her back so that when we get to Mt Doom.... if the hobbits are there.... she won't be able to hug them!!!" Everyone gasped in horror again. "BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!" cackled Frankie.
"That's, um, nice," said Alex, "Now, how are we going to get to Mt Doom?"
"Ask LOTR nut here," said Oni, nudging Katie with his shoe. The shoe wasn't on his foot, by the way - he was wearing his shoes on his hands for some reason.
"Katie?" called Alex, trying to wake her up, "Katiiie?"
"FRODO!!" shouted Frankie.
Katie sat bolt upright. "Where? WHERE?"
"How do we get to Mt Doom?" asked Frankie.
"I guess we could - wait - " Katie pulled at the ropes. "Why are my hands tied behind my back?"
"You'll realize soon enough," cackled Frankie.
"That don't sound good," said Katie worriedly, "But anyway. To get to Mt Doom, I think our best route would be via the Mary-Sue Highway."
"The WHAT?" said Jack bewilderedly.
"The Mary-Sue Highway," said Katie grimly, "I've done extensive research into it. When Mary-Sues get sucked into Middle-earth from this world - which happens far too often in fanfics for my liking - it's usually because of some traumatic event, combined with strong lusting for a particular character or event."
"Well, we've been through traumatic events," said Alex, "So now we just need the lusting."
"BAGSIE LUST ELIJAH WOOD!" shouted Kathryn. She closed her eyes, and a dreamy smile settled on her face. "Mmmm..."
"You know, she could be recovering..." said Mort.
"We can't just lust that," said Katie, "We have to lust for Sam, for Gollum-"
"EUURLLAAARGH!!!!!!" shouted everyone.
"He's sexaaaay," said Jackie happily.
"Please tell me she's still under the egg's influence," said Jack quickly.
"Oh, I hope so," said Helen.
"I'll handle that," sighed Katie.
"And I'll try lusting after Sam," said Alex, "I'll just imagine I'm Becky for a moment..."
"Good," said Katie, "And we need someone to lust after Mt Doom..."
"Fire?" said Oni, "Are you kidding? There's nothing I crave more... other than violence, Natalie Portman and Emily Browning..."
"No, don't start thinking about those," said Katie quickly, "You might get pulled into the wrong story. The rest of you, lust after lava, and rings being destroyed, and similar. Oh, and grab hands so that we're not separated. Someone'll have to grab mine, because they're TIED TOGETHER..."
"I regret nothing," beamed Frankie.
Katie glared. "OK... go."
Everyone closed their eyes and concentrated hard on what they were supposed to be lusting on.
Frodo....... thought Kathryn happily.
I'm Becky, and I like Sam, thought Alex, Yes, I like Sam... uhh... right...
I guess he's in good physical shape, thought Katie desperately, And, um, Smeagol has nice eyes... if a little large and alarming...
FIIIIRE... thought Oni, cackling maniacally inside his head, BUUUUURN...
I've got a loverly bunch of coconuts, diddle-dee-dee! There they are, standing in a row!! thought Frankie happily, Oh wait, the lusting thing... uhh...
Suddenly, they all felt themselves grabbed by some great force, and themselves flying through space...
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Post by Boo on Feb 12, 2005 7:33:11 GMT -5
....is it okay if I write the next section, and if I turn one of you guys into a Sue?
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Post by Boo on Feb 12, 2005 8:14:23 GMT -5
When we last left our heroes, they had lusting after various LOTR characters, much in the manner of the Mary Sue (blech). With the Mary Sue highway being the closest way to get to Middle Earth, and Oni lusting for fire, it seemed that nothing would get in the way of saving Christmas.
Or so they thought.
"Is something burning?" asked Katie as the world started to take form. "I smell smoke....we're in Mount Doom! Yayness!"
"Erm...not quite..." said Alex nervously. "Unless the Easter Bunny's been sacrificing random girls in a burning barn by the Silverlode river...."
Indeed they were standing within three feet of a raging bonfire (which for science reasons should have crispy-fried them on the spot, but because they're the heroes...and they'll sic the sugar gods on me if I kill them off...they're not) that was randomly placed near the Silverlode.
"Oni! We're nowhere near Mount Doom! Didn't you lust after it?" David yelled. The Oni didn't answer. Instead he had a look of completely insane happiness at the inferno. He started to laugh with glee and dance around the barn, oblivious (or even more ecstatic) to the screams coming from inside.
"Well he's...happy," Katie muttered, once again the sole voice of reason in the crew. And as everyone had started following Oni in dancing around the fire, Katie decided to find out why this was happening. She walked around the barn and saw a very strange looking sight.
There were girls tied up and being chucked into the fire. But this wasn't what horrified her the most. No, these girls were all Elf women, with pouty cherry lips, either raven black/golden blonde/fiery crimson scarlet hair and sapphire/emerald/any sparkly coloured eyes and not even their looks of horror at such carnage marred their beauty.
"AH! A BONFIRE OF MARY SUES!!!" Katie screamed.
"....And? You say that like it's a bad thing..." said the thrower of the Mary Sues. She was very chubby and dark skinned with an ad infinitum amount of mad dreadlocks on her head. Still eyeing Katie somewhat she threw another Sue into the fire. The foul creature screamed melodiously and silkily.
"Actually no it isn't. It's just that you're having one and I'm not doing anything!" Before the girl could say much Katie joined her in throwing the remaining Sues into the burning barn. Both of them had a spiffy time doing so while the others were still frolicing around the fire, singing a slightly more violent version of "On Top of Old Smokey." Katie and the chubby one chased them around and eventually made them stop with promises of ice cream from the benevolent sugar gods.
"Now that that's over with," the Sue pyro said. "Aloo! The name is Boo, appointed destroyer of Elf Sues. What're you doing here?"
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Feb 12, 2005 12:32:58 GMT -5
(That's great! Welcome to the club!)
"Um, hate to break up this party, but the task falls to me, as the sensible one..." said Alex, nervously tapping Katie on the shoulder as she hurled a half-elf half-angel onto the fire and whooped happily, "But shouldn't we be getting to Mt Doom?"
"Huh?" said Katie, "Oh, yeah, right. That thing." She turned to the others, who'd just started hurling Sues onto the fire with equal enthusiasm. "GUYS! ONE LAST LONG-LOST LOVE OF LEGOLAS, THEN WE GOTTA GO!!!"
"Oooh, alliteration," said Mort, "Me like."
"Go - to Mt Doom?" said Helen disbelievingly, "Are you kidding? It's, like, weeks from here!"
"It is?" said a Sue which Oni was holding, "But in my story, it only takes me a day to walk from here to Mordor to save my Frodikins-"
Oni hurled her onto the fire. "DIE, EVIL SUE FROM EVILNESS!! BUUUUURN!!!" He started dancing maniacally around the fire.
"And these shoes aren't great for walking," said Frankie, lifting the skirt of her satiny pink dress and revealing glass slippers, "They might break..."
"WAIT!" said Alex, "Where did those come from?"
Frankie shrugged. It was then that they noticed all the girls wearing impossibly perfectly beautiful dresses, and their hair was looking impeccably perfect and their eyes seemed to be changing colour. As for the boys, they were all arrayed in Ranger gear, and their hair was blowing out behind them a little too readily.
Oni noticed the sword at his side. "BASTARD KATANAS!!!!" he gasped in amazement, and started swishing it in the air, "DIE! SWISH! BURN! PERISH! DIE! SWISH! BURN! PERISH!"
Alex stared at David in amazement. "You're keeping that, mister," she said faintly.
Boo looked at them as well. "You're - you're - you're Mary-Sues!!!" she said in horror, "Onto the fire! Now!"
"WAIT!" wailed Frankie, "Me no wanna go burnie! BURNIE MAKE NOT PINK!!!"
Boo looked baffled. "She means that we're NOT Mary-Sues," said Katie quickly, "We just used the Mary-Sue highway, because we need to get to Mt Doom to stop the Easter Bunny, save Christmas-"
"And get a quick cuddle from Frodo," said Kathryn. Helen elbowed her.
Boo looked thoughtful. "All right, I believe you," she said, "And though it's very unorthodox, there is a way you can get there. You can use your Sue powers."
"Sue powers?" said Alex confusedly.
"Have you noticed how Mary-Sues have certain traits?" said Boo, "They can always sing, look charming and perfect, sword-fight beyond the skill of any foe until the story demands they be captured so that Aragorn/Legolas can come save them... and they also normally have-"
"A pet," said Jack, shuddering, "The number of times girls come to me with a pet dolphin..."
"Exactly," said Boo, nodding, "An animal not normally in Middle-earth, or extremely rare and out of character. Now, under your circumstances, I'd say that the best animal you could go for is... um... a dragon."
Katie's eyes lit up. "Uh-oh," said Frankie, "DUCK AND COVER!"
Everyone hurled themselves to the ground and covered their heads as Katie started leaping around, squealing for joy at ultrasonic levels.
"She likes dragons," explained Frankie to Boo, "A lot."
"I'd noticed," said Boo.
"DRAGONDRAGONDRAGON!!!!!!!!" cheered Katie, "WHERE, WHERE DO WE GET THEM????????"
"Uhh..." said Boo, "I think that Sue there has a bag full of the eggs..."
Katie had already run over and snatched the bag off her, and came running back. "There's loads in here!" she said happily, "BAGSIE PURPLE ONE! Frankie, here's a pink one-"
"OOOOOH!" Frankie snatched the egg and stared at it in wonder. Katie quickly handed out all the others as well, making sure Alex got the rainbow-coloured one and Oni one decorated with flames.
"Now what?" said Helen.
"Well," said Boo, "Just put them on the ground and wait. They should hatch any moment now..."
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Post by Boo on Feb 12, 2005 17:46:15 GMT -5
(THANKS! ;D)
While they were waiting for the dragon eggs to hatch, Boo was shuddering at the people-turned-Sues in front of her. Though they certainly didn't act like normal Sues, they looked like them. The pyromaniac inside her was just bursting at the idea of the nice bonfire they would make...(which we won't do...the sugar gods, you understand...)
"So how come you're in Middle Earth?" Helen asked Boo while the dragon eggs started to quiver. Katie was watching them with large rounded emerald eyes, and Frankie was on her knees, amethyst eyes positively glowing at the pink egg. Boo valiantly resisted the urge to grab them and toss them into the dying bonfire near them.
"I just hang around here, waiting for Sues to pop in and join the Fellowship just before they meet Galadriel. Most Sue fictions start at that point, completely ignoring all the obvious canon issues, and neatly sidestepping the changes their evil creations make on the Fellowship and....oh sorry...well I wait for them here, trap them and burn them most crispily." Here Boo's eyes started to glint at the thought of burning Sues. This would have been an issue if everyone else had a slivver of normalcy.
As they didn't, it wasn't.
"THEY'RE HATCHING!" screamed Katie in a voice that could raise the dead, kill them, bring them back as zombies to star in the remix of "Thriller," and kill them again for good measure.
And sure enough, the dragon eggs had started to crack. A pale mist of smoke emerged from the purple egg, and out popped a little baby purple dragon. Katie squealed and glomped it accordingly. When the pink one hatched, Frankie gazed worshipfully at the little creature. In time all the dragons hatched, and the hero-Sues did run around in glee.
However there was one little problem. Emphasis on the little.
"They're....tiny!!" Mort exclaimed. "How're we going to ride them??"
"Remember what I said about Sue powers?" Boo reminded him. "Now that you're Sues (must burn....must FRY!!!)..ahem....you have enough divinely gifts to make the Eru look like some upstart Maiar wannabee. If you want them big, make 'em big."
"Okay! Grow grow grow grow grow!" Frankie hopped up and down.
And grow the pink dragon did, until it was big enough to take all of them. The sudden onslaught of all the pinkness proved too much for Frankie to handle. She went down on her knees and started to chant "We are not worthy! We are not worthy!", a la Wayne and Garth.
"Umm....that might have been a bit much, luv...." Jack gazed at the dragon. The creature belched, bright flames reaching out into the distance. Oni joined Frankie in reverential prayer, while the flames descended on some trees a while away.
"What's that?" Alex said.
"That would be the forest of Lothlori....oh joy to the bloody ravens..." Boo groaned.
(was that okay??)
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Feb 12, 2005 18:15:31 GMT -5
"The flames," said Oni, eyes shining and a slightly psychotic look on his face, "The flaaaames... they buuuuurn..."
"Yes, fire generally does that," said Helen worriedly.
"Don't worry! We'll use our Sue powers!" said Katie, quickly holding up her hand, which for some reason had a Ring of power on it. "OH MIGHTY ELBERETH, UH, GIVE US RAIN, PLEASE!!!!!!"
And lo, a big stormcloud did appear and put out the fire in Lothlorien, and there was much rejoicing from the elves.
However, it also put out the Mary-Sue bonfire, which made the Oni try to throttle Katie for taking away his beloved fire. Katie's dragon leapt to her defence, swinging its tail and sending him flying.
"I HEART YOU, DRAGON!!!" squealed Katie happily, throwing her arms around it.
"Snrk," said the dragon.
Frankie had already leapt on top of her pink dragon, and pulled Johnny Depp up behind her. "Come on!" she said excitedly, "Let's get these babies up in the air! We have Christmas to save!"
Everyone cheered and leapt on top of their respective dragons. Alex was in awe of her rainbow-coloured one. The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of was looking slightly lost until David grabbed him and pulled him onto his dragon.
"Hey," said Katie to Boo, "Do you want to come?"
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Post by Boo on Feb 13, 2005 4:43:53 GMT -5
"Weelll...." Boo grew thoughtful and looked back at the soggy remains of the bonfire. "It'll take me yoinks to build the Mary Sue BBQ up again, and I don't think the Elves will be comfortable around fire for a while....why not?"
And with that she jumped on top of Katie's dragon, and they all took off into the skies and onto Mount Doom....after thwapping Oni across the head several times for trying to make his dragon burn down Lothlorien again.
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Post by Oni on Feb 14, 2005 10:37:26 GMT -5
'So,' enquired the now non-lusting Kathryn. 'other than the resident elf frier, who are you?'
In between bouts of silent prayers after looking over the side, Boo said 'Boo. Like I said before, my job is to intercept Sues before they can cause any real damage to the canon.'
'Job?' interjected Alex. 'I thought that was just something you did for fun.'
'No, I've been employed by a group of people for the expressed purpose of keeping this world stable. Too many Sues...OK, I lie, any Sues, if left to roam, can hurt the world badly.'
'And you've been employed by...' asked Mort
'I'm not allowed to say. Seriously.'
'ISN'T THAT CONVENIENT!' yelled over Oni, who had refused to fly on the purple dragon, preferring his own, more aggressive one.
Katie caught Boo's look. 'Conspiracy theorism is his hobby. Anyway - you say you keep canon the way it is. Do you know of the PPC?'
'PPC?'
'Protectors of the Plot Continuum. They do much the same thing as you, with less of the Sue-burning and more of the Sue-killing.'
All while the cross-questioning and giving the newcomer the third degree were going on, the dragon parade was being watched…through a highly-magnified, telescopic sight. Now what kind of a device has a telescopic sight?
Sorry, I’ve watched Phone Booth too many times. They were being watched however, by the Bunny, who was cackling to himself and holding a pair of binoculars.
‘Soon, they will fly into the trap, and be devoured by the No-Fly Zone…MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAAAAAAAaaaaa...I’m so lonely…’
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Feb 14, 2005 16:55:16 GMT -5
Blissfully ignorant in more ways than one, the dragons and their riders soared over Middle-earth. Katie was so gleeful she almost didn't need a dragon to fly - she was in Middle-earth, WITH a purple dragon, and NOT the dragon from 'Barbie as Rapunzel'.
However, unbeknownst to them but beknownst to the Easter Bunny, us, and the evil Nazgul that were currently on their way to intercept them, there were, in fact, evil Nazgul currently on their way to intercept them.
This was due to become beknownst to them, however, when they suddenly came swooping down from above them, and attacked them and their dragons.
"EEEK!" shrieked Helen, pulling the reins of her dragon away from the attacking Nazgul, "EVIL NAZGUL!!!"
"As opposed to NICE Nazgul??" said Mort.
"What's going on?" cried Alex, "Where have these Nazgul come from?????"
"I don't know!" shouted Boo, swerving to avoid another, "I've hardly ever seen this kind of behaviour, except for -" Her face clouded, a phrase which here means, instead of the usual 'gathered precipitation from previously evaporated water', 'became worried and horrified as she remembered the infamous Mary-Sue/Nazgul dogfight of 2003'. "...oh dear Eru."
"What?" said Jackie. Before Boo could answer, however, a Nazgul swept down from nowhere and hovered in front of her.
"Princess Jacquarassea!" he announced, "Sauron has sent me in search of you. He wants you to join him in Mordor and help him conquer Middle-earth."
"Princess WHAT?" said Jackie disbelievingly.
"WAIT!" cried Katie, "We're Mary-Sues, remember?? We're influencing the plot of Middle-earth!!"
"Katherinyavyielerea!" shouted another Nazgul, "Your father commands you come home. Too long have you consorted with elves and wizards, even though Galadriel is your mother!"
"WHAT???" cried Katie, "SAURON'S MY DAD?????"
"Haha!" laughed Frankie, "I bet he'll be keeping an EYE on your boyfriends! Geddit? EYE? HAHAHAH!!!"
"I think this Mary-Sue thing's making her evil," groaned Kathryn, smacking her hand to her forehead.
"Angel Franyareiassariel," said the Nazgul nearest to her, "You will come with us to Mordor, with your fifth Elven Ring of Power - Enya, the ring of Music - or we shall kill you lover," he added, pointing at The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of.
Frankie hadn't looked so horrified since seeing the Littlest Elf. This was actually a pretty similar situation. "LEGOLAS IS MY BOYFRIEND???????"
"WHY DO YOU GET THE RING OF MUSIC???????" shouted Alex in disbelief, "SWAP! NOW!!!!"
"Prince Davigorn!" called another Ringwraith, "Sauron has heard of your abilities, and wishes to enrol you in his army!"
"Huh??" said David.
"He has heard of your bravery in battle, and your strong manliness, and-"
David laughed so hard he almost fell of his dragon. "HA! HA! Alex, did you hear that??"
"I heard it," said Alex angrily, "LISTEN, YOU BLACK-CLOAKED DEMENTOR RIP-OFFS!!!! DAVID IS MY MAN! AND HE AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE!!!!"
The Nazgul blinked in confusion.
"Dementors came AFTER the Ringwraiths," muttered Katie annoyedly.
"So," finished Alex, "sod off, before I go Mary-Sue Mad on your asses."
"Oooh dear," said Boo worriedly, "All Mary-Sue powers used turn to evil..."
Alex wasn't listening. She raised up her Ring and shouted, "O Echinacea califig! Tres Emme loreal!" A rainbow-coloured beam of light shot from the Ring, striking the Ringwraiths and sending them soaring back through the sky.
"Whoa!" said Oni, "That was almost as cool as flames." On cue, Oni's dragon sent out a spurt of flame after the Nazgul, setting alight to their cloaks and sending them plummeting from the sky in great fireballs.
It took several minutes for Oni to stop hyperventilating.
"That was... seriously neat," said Kathryn, "Alex, how did you know to do that??"
Alex turned to Kathryn, a strange look on her face - a mixture of confidence and sorrow, mingled together unexplainably but strangely very attractively. She laughed a laugh that sounded like tinkling bells. "I learnt from my mother," she said musically, "Elbereth. She bestowed me with the Ring of Rainbows, and told me to save Middle-earth, so that I may marry Aragorn..."
Boo paled. "Ye muffins," she said, "It can't be..."
"I think it is," wailed Katie, "Using the powers has actually turned her into a Mary-Sue!!"
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Post by Boo on Feb 15, 2005 10:57:31 GMT -5
"Gods no!" Kathryn screamed.
"I should have expected this," Boo frowned. "You're all going to turn to Sues the longer you have your infinite cosmical powers....by the fairy feller's master stroke, Elrond's going to kill me..."
"Elrond??!" Morty asked incredulously.
"Who do you think I work for? He had to call me here because he couldn't handle all the Sues, and Glorfindel kept complaining about vanishing each time one of those succubi walked into Rivendell..."
At the moment Alex was staring into space, singing softly with a voice as pure as an angel's. Frankie shrank back from her as if she was the bubonic plague.
"So...do we keep going or not?" Oni wondered. Boo shook her head.
"Well we can't go to Mount Doom now. That's one of the key important places in the book. Sues popping in have been tearing at the canonical fabric of this world. We've been lucky that most fanfiction authors grow bored and don't finish off their Sue stories. But if one more of them goes to Mount Doom and changes events again, Middle Earth will blow up."
Oni perked up at that.
"That would be a BAD thing, Oni," said David.
"Alex wouldn't do that....would she?" Helen asked worriedly. She turned to her seablue-eyed possessed friend. "Alex, just what did your mum tell you to do?
"My name is Valeariasearkaeriel," Alex sniffed daintily. "And my mother Elbereth did give to me the dreadful task of going to Mount Doom, whereby I can use the Ring of Rainbows to destroy my half brother Sauron, and use the One Ring as my wedding band for Aragorn and I...."
"We're not going to Mount Doom," Boo said flatly. "Even if we manage to keep her from messing up the story, y'all are going to turn to Sues sooner or later."
"We will take our chances!" Morty said suddenly. "For it is not the way of the Princes of the Dunedain to flee from danger!"
Eyebrows up, people! There ya go.
"But we only have till noon to find out who the Easter Bunny's meeting!" Katie moaned.
(and here I stop! Someone who's more creative than I am right now continue!!)
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Post by Oni on Feb 15, 2005 15:53:01 GMT -5
Alex's beautiful singing was bound to get on someone's nerves sooner or later, but in a dramatic break from tradition, it was David who snapped first, screeching wildly, then when Sue!Alex was distracted, gagging her.
'We haven't come all this way, and endured him,' Frankie said, pointing at Oni. 'for this long to give up now. And we can't just let Christmas be destroyed either. Sorry, Boo, but we aren't going back. Even if it means putting Middle-Earth at risk, we aren't going back.'
Boo was slowly rocking back and forth. 'No. I can't let you do that. I just can't'
'Much as I hate Christmas, there are too many people around the world who like it to have it destroyed. I owe this bunny a beating for dragging us all out here, so I'm going. Be it alone, I'm still going.'
With that, Oni hopped onto his dragon and flew off.
'Well, now that the last bastion of common sense has gone, can we think about this objectively?' put in Katie.
'Alex has been Sue'd, and will probably destroy the world if given half a chance. The Easter Bunny, on the other hand, is probably already planning to destroy the world. Boo - can you take care of Alex without killing her?'
'I couldn't promise anything anyway, but you're missing a couple of things. Firstly, I'm coming with you; I know Middle-Earth better than any of you, and second, she's been Sue'd. No matter what I tried, her Sue powers would get her out of it.'
'There's nothing else for it - we have to take her with us. There's only a small chance that she'll destroy the world, and only if we don't keep an eye on her.' said Helen.
'It's times like these we need Oni again...there's a sentence I never thought I'd say...'
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Feb 16, 2005 4:50:14 GMT -5
"Mmmmmf," said Alex angrily, glaring at David.
"I'm going to pay for that later," sighed David gloomily.
With Alex out of the running, Katie was free to resume her role of thoughtful one. Which she did. "We also need to think about how we're going to deal with the Easter Bunny when we get there... how can we stop him?"
"Throw him in the Crack of Doom!" cheered Kathryn.
"Umm... that's a little cruel, isn't it?" said Katie nervously.
There was a silence.
"Yeah..." said everyone slowly.
"Your point?" interjected Jackie.
"Well, just cos he wants to take over Christmas, that doesn't mean we should KILL him, does it?" said Katie worriedly.
There was a silence. Rather similar to the previous silence, in fact, except a little longer and with more confused looks between people.
"Yeah..." said everyone.
"Frankie!" said Katie, "Philosophy time! Is it right to kill someone when they're trying to destroy a holiday which everyone loves, and turns me into a chav and you into a fangirl?"
Frankie looked thoughtful. "Technically, he's shown us no signs of wanting to kill US, so therefore according to early Bible texts all we should do is throw eggs of doom at him... but he turned me into a FANGIRL!"
Katie sighed and thwapped her own head. "Oy..."
"All right," said Helen, "Why don't we just go to Mt Doom, watch who the Easter Bunny is meeting, and see what happens? We've had pretty good luck so far."
There was a silence. This one, however, was unlike the previous ones, because it was more hopeful, and people glancing at each other were nodding instead of shaking their heads worriedly.
"Sounds good," said Mort, "HEIGH HO DRAGONS, AWAY!!!"
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Feb 20, 2005 0:06:37 GMT -5
The flight from their present position to Mt. Doom was creepily uneventful. They weren't attacked by Nazgul, and while the fangirlish antics of those affected were annoying to the extreme, there was a rather small amount of violence. Surprisingly.
The Dragons settled on the ash and rock-slathered terrain. Jack peered about.
"I don't see anyone."
"Honestly, where would the drama be if the conflict took place out here?" Katie asked pointedly.
Jack shrugged. "Good point."
"Of course it is. That's why I said it pointedly."
"Can we just get ON with it?" asked Frankie. "I'm not particularly too keen on going all sue. Again."
Giving their dragons a last loving pat, in Katie's face a crushing hug and a smooch, the troupe traveled up towards the looming and forboding entrance to the heart of Mt. Doom.
"So you've finally arrived," The Easter Bunny cackled.
"Have we?" whispered Kathryn. "Oh dear."
"Look!" cried Helen in horror.
Following her gaze, they were dismayed to see that the Easter Bunny had taken the Fellowship captive. The Fellowship looked very confused; The bunny had used his own dastardly scheme to summon and hold them.
"That's LOW," Mort hissed.
"What's that got to do with Christmas?" asked David.
"PIPPIN!" Wailed Jackie.
"Who, this guy?" The sadistic bunny's whiskers twitched as he adopted an evil grin and dragged the Hobbit forward.
"Will someone please explain why we're being detained by a giant rabbit?" Aragorn burst, watching the bunny wave an orange egg dangerously over Pippin's head.
Everyone ignored him as they saw the egg. It was labelled quite clearly 'Jackie.'
"What?" said Mort. "She was hit by half the eggs and none of them were for her?"
"What's this got to do with Christmas?" David asked again.
"You wouldn't," Jackie breathed. "That's just CRUEL."
"I've got to find some way to teach you people a lesson." The bunny said testily. "Every egg I throw at you proves nothing. Let me defeat Christmas or you see your characters become your worst nightmare!"
"NEVER!" Declared Boo.
"All right then," The bunny said, and without a moment's hesitation, dropped the egg on Pippin's head.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Jackie in that annoyingly over-used and melodramatic manner.
Despite themselves, the others watched in a kind of sick interest to see what Jackie's egg contained.
"I have no interest in this." Pippin stated in a dull monotone. "What a lovely shade of grey. Would you get rid of everything colorful and shiny please? Maybe I'll stare at the wall and watch the paint dry."
"Um, there is no paint, Pip," Merry said where he was detained with the rest of the Fellowship, confused and concerned.
"Well, then I'm guaranteed no change, aren't I?" Pippin said, then went and stared at the wall.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Jackie cried again. "He's... he's... he's BORING!!!!"
"Blondie gets it next!" The Bunny threatened, grabbing Legolas.
"Pfft. You can do whatever you want to him," Frankie snorted.
((Not the best, I know... but I hadn't contributed in ages and I felt bad.))
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Feb 20, 2005 6:18:03 GMT -5
(No, it's good! Excoiting!)
The Easter Bunny stopped and blinked. "Do none of you girls care about the elf?"
They all shook their heads firmly.
"None of the girls, no," said David, shaking his head vehemently and not blinking.
"Couldn't care less," affirmed Mort, who seemed to be trying not to hyperventilate.
The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of squinted. "Is that me?..."
"WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH SANTA??????" shouted Katie.
"There is no point," shrugged the Easter Bunny, "I just wanted to get back at you all."
Katie stared. "THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD! I'M the LOTR freak here! Yeah, Kathryn and Jackie like it too, but the others couldn't really care less!"
The Bunny blinked. "Say what?"
"They're only here because I was obsessed and the one stuck doing most of the updates!" said Katie exasperatedly, "This ain't the best way to get back at us, believe me."
The Bunny looked a little deflated. "Oh," he said in a small voice.
"And haven't you seen James Bond films?" continued Katie, warming to her theme, "The bad guys always get defeated when they stop to taunt. Do you realize that in all the time you've been sending Nazgul after us, or throwing eggs at us, or threatening the Fellowship of the Ring, you could have been kidnapping Santa?!?"
"Sorry," said the Rabbit, looking down and kicking a stone dejectedly.
"That's all right," said Katie, going up and patting his arm, "It's your first time, you are going to make mistakes... but learn from other people's mistakes first, eh?"
"Yes, ma'am," said the Rabbit. "I guess I just- wait a minute!" The Rabbit suddenly looked up. "I'M the bad guy here! Why am I letting you tell me off??"
"Weeeeell," said Katie, "It could be because you had a traumatized childhood without an authoritarian figure, so deep down you want someone to tell you what to do; it could be because I know what I'm talking about; or it could possibly be because while I've been talking to you and distracting your attention, my friends have snuck past you, freed the Fellowship, and got most of them to safety on their dragons."
The Easter Bunny span round in disbelief. Indeed, Jackie, Frankie, Alex, David, Mort, Helen, Kathryn, Oni, Jack, The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of and Boo had been extremely busy while Katie had been berating the rabbit; the Fellowship were gone, and from outside the doors they could hear Jackie wailing "PIPPIN! STOP BEING DUUULL!!!" and Mort and David arguing over who got Legolas on their dragon.
"AND," beamed Katie, "maybe it's so that you'd turn round, dropping your guard, so that I could steal your Eggs of Doom and throw them into the Cracks of Doom."
The Rabbit, utterly confused now, looked over the side just in time to see his basket of eggs hit the lava below, and explode in a shower of multi-coloured glitter.
"Yep," said Katie, "Think it's the last one..."
The Easter Bunny sat down heavily on the ground. "Oh, eggs," he cursed, "You people are annoying."
"I know, we really are," tutted Katie, shaking her head, "And you would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for us meddling kids..."
"I would have, as well," said the Easter Bunny sadly, "It was such a GOOD plan..." He lay back with a despairing sigh, and then swore. "OW! What did I just lie on?" He sat up and felt the ground beneath him. "Huh," he said, "It's a gold ring... one of the hobbits must have dropped it..."
"Oh," said Katie, "bugger."
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