Star Wars Episode 43 - Attack of the Sues

[Hobbit-eyes]

The Star Wars Episode 42 plot bunny seems to have gone to the great rabbit hutch in the sky... so I think it' time we started the sequel, as the plot seems to have changed direction. Plus, it doesn't matter if there's plot holes between the two, because if it doesn't matter to George Lucas, then why should it bother us? Anyway, everyone please join in... here we go...


A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY....

*whispers* Do we STILL not have John Williams?

*whispers* He's not returning my calls!!

*whispers* Alex?

*whispers* Off doing Coram Boy...

*whispers* ... Do we at least have a piano or something for accompaniment?

*whispers* I have a triangle.

*whispers* Guess that'll have to do...

Da-DAH *TING!*, duh-duh-duh DA-dah *TING!*
duh-duh-duh DA-dah *TING!*
duh-duh-duh DAAAAA... *TINGTING!*

Star Wars Episode 43 - Attack of the Sues

It is a somewhat darker time in the Random Star Wars Galaxy. The Really Long Acronym Star has been emptied of Mary-Sues (into Mount Doom) but, on their way to set the canon back on course, Oni usurped Anakin's place and rode off with Padme on Mustafar, completely disrupting the flow of the canon and causing even greater plot holes than ever seen before. These plot holes threaten to tear apart the entire fabric of the story itself, thus allowing every single Mary-Sue ever created a path into the Fanverse... and only people who can stop him are a bunch of crazy girls on the Millennium Falcon with the real Anakin and Obi-Wan.

Which isn't too comforting, is it?


The Millennium Falcon was cruising along in pursuit of Padme's Ship of the Magic Button. Most had already forgotten what they were supposed to be doing and were amusing themselves - Ashley with devouring more and more photocopied paper, Jackie gazing at Obi-Wan and cheering whenever she got him to say anything, and Frankie with forcing Anakin to wear eyeliner.

"Where do you think they're going?" wondered Stacey.

"Maybe back to Naboo," said Alex, "To roll around in the grass some more..."

Everyone shuddered.

Katie wended her way through the people up to the cockpit, where the Sneak was sitting at controls with her feet currently resting on a big button which said 'DO NOT PUSH THIS.'

"Is that a good idea?" she asked.

The Sneak looked at her feet. "Oh. Whoops. Well, I'm sure it's fine."

"How?"

"We're not dead yet."

"Ah." Katie looked up to the ceiling and called, "Doris?"

"What?" snapped the computer irritably.

"Do you know where they're going?"

There was a silence. "No idea."

"Can you work it out?"

"I could."

Another silence.

"Will you?"

There was a long-suffering sigh. "I suppose I could."

"Thank you Doris." In an undertone, Katie muttered, "I thought computers were only annoying when they DIDN'T work."

"My computer plotted world domination," commented the Sneak, "I think I was a bad influence. So, do we have a plan?"

Katie shrugged. "Follow Onakin and Padme. Put Anakin back where he belongs. Restore order to the plot."

"What if-"

"Don't even start," said Katie, holding up a hand.

"Ah... you prefer the running in blindly even though you haven't got a chance in hell of succeeding approach?"

"Yep. Less worrying."

"I know where they're going," said Doris in a bored voice.

"You do?" said the Sneak, nearly toppling off her chair backwards, "Where?"

"Looks like they're headed back for the SDIKMPAACGMAWTMOAPANCW star."

"Really Long Acronym Star," corrected Katie.

"What does that even stand for?" muttered the Sneak.

"Erm..." Katie rifled through the pages of the last episode. "Sue Death In Known Mortal Peril And Almost Certain Grammatical Massacre Along With The Maiming Of A Plot And No Characterization Whatsoever Star."

"Ah." The Sneak paused. "Them taking the Really Long Acronym Star.... that's a bad thing, right?"

"I'm assuming," shrugged Katie.

[goblingirl]

Thea was throughly confused. She hadn't actually seen many of the Star Wars films, and, though she would turn into a Mary-sue before she told anyone this, wasn't entirely sure who Padme was, except Anakin's love interest, and Leia and Luke's mother.

So she sat on a bean bag at the back of the Millennium Falcon watching Ashley consume photocopied paper at an alarmingly dangerous rate, and occasionally allowing her eyes to rest appreciatively on Anakin or Obi-Wan, only to be glared away by Frankie or Jackie.

However, due to the plot needing to be moved along, she tried to contribute. "Maybe.......maybe they've gone to try and stop the Sues coming themselves? Surely Oni, sorry, Onakin MUST know what the consequences of his taking over Anakin's role are?"

[Ashley]

"So, uh, what are we supposed to be doing?" Ashley asked, after she had thoroughly taken out the entire photocopied paper supply.

"No idea," Stacey shrugged.

"We're supposed to restore things back to normal," Katie cleared up.

"Oh," said Ashley. "But after we get done with that, what then? We'd have nothing to do."

"True," Katie concurred. They all sat in silence.

"I think Green Day is going to play live on Magrathea," Ashley grinned.

"Why would they do that?" Frankie asked. "And how would they get there?"

"How is it that Oni can pass as Anakin? Just don't question it."

[gio]

gio, though not mentioned at all in episode 42 was sitting in the falcon trying to play dejarik chess. seeing as he had no idea of the rules, and no opponent, it wasnt going well. eventually he decided to try and use his creepy geek starwars knowledge to try and help...
or not

'seeing as we have jumped all over the timeline, is there much hope of getting it back to normal? no? o well. why not go get some ewoks. if the little teddy bears can beat stormtroopers and walkers, they can definately beat some sues and the really long acronym star. failing that, lets go to mos eisley. i hear they have some great bars'

[Nfinity]

Everyone blinked. They stared at Gio. And blinked again. They were about to continue their cycle of blinking and staring when a long, loud, and extremely shrill wail caused everyone to fall to their knees and clamp their hands over their ears. The source of the noise, was indeed, wailing mercilessly, until she completely ran out of breath. Then she sobbed piteously for a while.

Ashley turned to her best friend and asked, in a voice more like a growl, "What in the hell is wrong with you?!" Stacey whimpered, remembering the last time Ashley had gotten mad at her.

"Somewhere in all the confusion, I must have lost him." The Sneak, who still has no name, walked over and tried to comfort her.

"Lost who?" Stacey whimpered again and said in a small voice, "Sirius." Then she paused for a moment.

"Green Day's playing on Magrathea? What are we waiting for? Let's go!" Frankie scoffed.

"What about Onakin and the entire Star Wars universe?" Stacey shrugged.

"I never much cared for Star Wars anyway. Besides, Oni can handle himself, can't he?"

[Ashley]

"I'm sure that he can," Ashley agreed with Frankie. Her voice reverted into that of a whiny ten year old. "Besides, I wanna see Greeeeeen Daaaaaaay."

"Yeah Katie, we wanna see Green Day," Frankie agreed. Ashley and Frankie then began a strange Green Day chant that only took thirty second to get on everyone's nerves.

"Children," Katie said. "CHILDREN!" Ashley and Frankie shut up. "We won't go and see Green Day unless we get Onakin back with us and Anakin back where he belongs."

"But I don't want Oni back," blurted Frankie. She put her arm around Anakin. "Besides, Anakin wants to stay here and go see Green Day on Magrathea."

"I do?" asked Anakin quizically.

"Yes."

"But actually I--"

"When we want your opinion we'll give it to you," Ashley interjected.

[Hobbit-eyes]

The vein in Katie's temple started throbbing slightly.

"CHILDREN," she said again in a forced calm voice, "There are a couple of problems. ONE - Magrathea is in a DIFFERENT FANVERSE. We'd have to go through a plot hole to get there, and I don't think there are many linking Star Wars and Hitch Hiker's. TWO - the fact that Onakin could bring about the destruction of the Star Wars universe is a BIG PROBLEM. THREE - all of the Fanverses are linked, so if Star Wars falls, the others will follow. FOUR - that means Green Day WON'T be playing on Magrathea, because they will be PLOT-SMUSHED."

A horrified silence fell in the Millennium Falcon. "Not plot-smushed!!" squeaked Frankie.

"Yes," said Katie gravely, "Plot-smushed. SO - we go catch Onakin, stop him destroying the fabric of all stories in existence and then some - and THEN, we can go see Green Day on Magrathea."

"Errrr," said everyone, "OK, whatever."

[Nfinity]

Ashley and Frankie and Stacey pouted as they made thier way to....whever they were supposed to go. They began making half-assed schemes to get around Katie's unquestionable logic. Each subsequent plot became even more far-fetched, and impossible. Finally, a lightbulb appeared over Stacey's head. Literally. Ashley and Frankie stared at this lightbulb, as it was very bright and shiny.

"I've got it!" Stacey turned to Katie, a joyful and determined look on her face. "You said that there aren't many plot holes linking Star Wars to Hitchhikers, right?" Katie nodded suspiciously. "Well, you've missed a very big plot hole that's staring you right in the face!" Katie's suspicious look turned to confusion. "It's simple," Stacey continued, the lightbulb growing brighter above her head. "We're IN the little connector-thingie." Everyone gave her dumb looks at this. "SPACE!" Her voice went high and chipper, and the lightbulb was positively illuminating. "And, Green Day getting plot-mushed wouldn't happen.... those nasty Sues wouldn't let it." She finished her little spatter of logic with a bright smile, confident that her logic was rock-solid.

Everyone stared at her for a moment. The moment stretched a little longer than a moment. Finally, Katie sputtered indignantly and gave her answer.

"Stacey," she said slowly, as if speaking to a child. "The entirety of the many varying Fanverses are about to go up in pretty cloud of smoke, and that's the best argument that you can give me?" The lightbulb over Stacey's head dimmed, sputtered vainly to retain life, and exploded. Katie pointed to the now extinct lightbulb. "And that random little quirk over your head is proof that the Star Wars-verse is rapidly disintegrating! Now, SHUT UP about Green Day at MAGRATHEA!!!"

Stacey, not used to being yelled at by Katie, did exactly as told. Ashley turned to her now silent best friend with a blank expresison on her face.

"Stacey," she said. "Even I couldn't come up with a decent bit of logic to overthrow Katie's....so why...?" Stacey shrugged.

"I thought it was good," she said. Then she turned to the rest of the inhabitants of the Millenium Falcon. "Do we know where we're going?"

[Tiki]

The Sneak, for once not saying much, watched from the sidelines as events unfolded. Poor, poor Stacey losing Sirius. Poor, poor Stacey getting her lightbulb explodified. Poor, poor Stacey not getting to see Green Day at Magrathea.

Ooo, Green Day sounded really nice to the Sneak's ears at that moment.

"Do we know where we're going?" Stacey asked.

"When do we ever know where we're going?" the Sneak asked. "I mean, we're all insane people who do random things just to get by in life. No real rhyme or reason, we just sort of...go with the flow." She started to do wavy motions with her arms.

Then, Ashley walked up behind the Sneak and slapped her upside the head. "Ow!" the Sneak screeched, causing everyone on board to shudder. "That bloody hurt, you know!"

"Yeah, but you just insulted us! Yes, we are insane, but that doesn't mean we can't be smart at the same time! Just because we appear on the oustide to be totally and hopelessly lost, doens't mean that we don't have a plan for ourselves! And besides, we have Katie who is leading this expedition and I'm following her plans!" The Sneak and Stacey cowered at Ashley's harsh voice and words, until- "Even though I really want to see Green Day at Magrathea, we have to sort out our priorities and saving the universe is at the top for a reason-"

Suddenly, a strange sound came from the Sneak, quiet at first, but growing with strength as the seconds rolled by until those closest to her could understand what she was saying.

Well, singing, actually.

"I was alone, I was all by myself..."

Ashley blinked.

Stacey blinked. And blinked again.

Katie stared. "What was that all about? And who is flying the ship?"

A moment of silence occured, but was broken by the sound of crumbling paper and Ashley stuffed more photocopied in her mouth as she and everyone else continued looking at the Sneak, expectantly.

"Huh?" she said stupidly. "What do you mean 'Who's flying the ship?' I am, of-" Realization dawned on the Sneak as the blood drained from her already pale face. "OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP!" She ran into the cockpit quicker than anyone had seen her go, and tried desperately to turn the ship around.

But it was too late.

In front of the Falcon was a sight they all had been both dreading and hoping to see.

The really long acronym Star.

And they were stuck in the tractor beam.

The other passengers ran into the cockpit and stared at the sight in front of them with horrified expressions. Except for Anakin, who looked ready to take on the really long acronym Star single-handedly.

"Oh crap," said the Sneak again. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

[goblingirl]

In the shadows behind them, Thea, put down her mobile phone....and smiled.

Then she caught sight of the Really Long Acronym Star and screamed in terror.

Everyone stared at her, then shrugged at the latest entry to the plot.

Then Doris spoke up. "By the way, there's a transmission for you all."

"Why didn't you say so!" snapped Katie.

"Because you were all in the other room! Now, do you want to hear it?"

"Yes!"

Doris sniffed. "Ask nicely"

The Sneak took a long piece of pipe from the floor, and simply stood next to the computer console, waiting.

After a heavy pause, Doris spoke up again. "Well, um, here it is"

A loud crackling nosie filled the room, then they all heard the sound of a sweet voice, that lilted and would have felled the most hard-hearted of heros. They all shuddered in unison.

"Crew of the Millenium Falcon, we have both Padme and the Onakin. IF you wish to see either of them alive again, then you will surrender both yourselves, Anakin, Obi-Wan and the ship you are on immediatly. What was that?" There was some mumbling. "Are you sure? Oh...I see. You will be shown mercy, and will not be harmed, merely detained while we conquer ALL the Fanverses. Look, I'm not sure about this 'not harming the prisoners bit *more mumbling* Ah! Why didn't you tell me before! By the way, this is NOT a TRICK." The crackling noise started again, then stopped.

[Hobbit-eyes]

A silence followed.

"I think it's a trick," said Stacey finally, attempting to revive her lightbulb.

"Gee, you think?" said the Sneak.

"Geeee..." said Frankie, sighing happily, proving that she could ignore even the most perilous situations with the right mental images.

"WHAT DO WE DOOOOO?" wailed Ashley, "We'll NEVER get to see Green Day at Magrathea! NO BILLIE JOE! NO TRES! NO-"

"SHH!" said Thea suddenly, "Katie's THINKING."

Everyone turned to see Katie rocking back and forth in her seat and mumbling under her breath.

"This is a very precarious stage," whispered Thea, "If we talk too loud, her brain could EXPLODE."

They waited silently, Stacey still tapping at her dead bulb.

Katie was beginning to mutter more loudly as schemes chased each other around her head to the Benny Hill music.

"... so they know there are people on board and Anakin and Obi-Wan and since they're psychic they'd probably find us if we hid and they're Sues so fighting probably won't work since we don't have weapons what would Captain Mal do in this situation probably something with guns errrm think of firefly think of firefly how the hell did the sues get out of Mt Doom now that's confusing no don't get distracted captain mal captain mal david tennant NO THAT'S GETTING DISTRACTED! BAD KATIE! BAD! BAD!"

She had started smacking her own head. Everyone looked at each other uneasily.

"The muttering isn't working," said Thea, "She's in the I-hate-my-feeble-brain stage. She'll be entering the next phase in a moment-"

"RIGHT!" yelled Katie, suddenly leaping to her feet.

"There we are," said Thea, "The pro-activ schizo."

"What do they know? We have Anakin, and Obi-Wan, and as soon as we get closer they'll know we have others. We don't have weapons to fight. We're stuck in the tractor beam and can't get free of it. The Really Long Acronym Star has Onakin and Padme, and if they hold them for much longer the Fanverse will disintegrate. There are far too many for us to fight, and they've already survived being chucked into a volcano-"

"And Green Day are playing on Magrathea," said Stacey gleefully.

Katie suddenly stopped talking. Her eyes widened. "That's it...." she said, "That's IT!" She started dancing around the cabin madly. "THAT'S IIIT! THAT'S IIIT!"

"Aaaand stage four," sighed Thea, "I-AM-A-JEENYUS stage. Someone snap her out of it."

"DAVID TENNANT AND PIE!" yelled Frankie.

Katie abruptly stopped dancing and stared into the distance happily.

"Sooo..." said Ashley, "You had a plan?"

"YES!" said Katie, "It sucks, but we're pretty much doomed anyway, so what harm can it do?"

"Erm," said Alex, "Optimism is... always... good?"

"Me, Frankie, Alex, Thea, Jackie, Anakin and Obi-Wan are staying on the ship. We need to rescue Onakin and Padme anyway. But Stacey, Ashley, Gio and the Sneak-" said Katie, "- you're going to see Green Day."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!" cheered Stacey and Ashley.

"Er, as much as I prefer going to see a band to going towards imminent doom," said Gio, "I must ask - WTF?"

Katie explained. "The Millennium Falcon is caught in the tractor beam, but the Sneak's shuttle -still attached to the wing - is just outside it. You guys can go in that, propelled by the ship's Improbability Drive, to Magrathea. And there, what will you find?"

"Green Day?" said Ashley hopefully.

"Yes, and who will be watching Green Day?"

Stacey's lightbulb suddenly glowed again. "Hundreds of emo goths..."

"Exactly," beamed Katie, "And all the ships which brought them there. Enough, I should think, to use their natural Sue hatred to launch an attack on the Really Long Acronym Star.... maybe using some Billie Joe/ Mikey slash fanfic to stir up the hatred?"

"I like this plan," said Ashley gleefully.

"What about us?" said Frankie, "Aren't we still going to be headed towards impending doom and death?"

Katie shrugged. "Technically yes. But I have a feeling they won't take all the prisoners... because there's one on board who shouldn't be."

Everyone turned to look at Thea. "Errr," said Thea, "Hi?"

"Where did you come from?" said Jackie in amazement, "You weren't in the last episode..."

Thea shrugged. "Plot hole?"

"EXACTLY," said Katie, "The Sues won't be able to see her there, because they are plot holes THEMSELVES and are blind to the ones they create. So they'll capture the rest of us... but they shouldn't even see Thea. So she can rescue us!"

"Erm, Katie," said Thea nervously, "I'm not sure I like the uncertain subjunctive there."

Katie shrugged. "Only way to find out is to try it..."

There was a silence. "Maybe some day you can come up with a thesis where the testing of it doesn't risk all our lives?" said Frankie glumly.

[goblingirl]

When the Sue-Troopers stormed the ship, Thea was curled up in a cramped cupboard in the hull of the ship (it had taken bribery, threats and much manoeuvring of limbs to get her in there, but there she was, with pictures of MCR and Green Day thoughtfully blu-tacked to the inside of the door by Frankie and Ashley), Gio, Stacey, Ashley and The Sneak were long gone in the latter’s shuttle, to, among other things, bob to Green Day and rouse emo-goths to violence against Mary-sues, and Frankie, Katie, Jackie, Alex, Anakin and Obi-Wan were sitting nervously in the main room, waiting. Well, most of them were. Frankie was still trying to make Anakin wear more and more eye-liner, in the hopes that the Sue-Troopers wouldn’t recognise him. And to make him look even hotter.

The door burst open, and, oh, say 27, Sue-Troopers ran in, waving their blasters. “You 4 will be taken to the Star and held there until we decide how best to use you in our plans.” This was to the four girls. “And you,” to Stacey, “Why do you have a light-bulb above your head?”

Stacey shrugged and disappeared, as the author realised her humiliating mistake, and the Sue-Trooper turned away to stare, like many of the other Sues, at Anakin, trying to work out if it actually WAS Anakin, or some pitiful copy created to try and trick them.

[gio]

on the sneak's shuttle, flying through the fanverse-crossing divides of space, Gio suddenly had a thought
'if we are going to rouse the goths to fight the sues... does that mean we cant stay for the encore?'

[Nfinity]

Cruising along, waiting for the Improbability Drive to kick in, Stacey suddenly wondered how she was in two places at once. She stopped wondering this as Ashley and The Sneak began chanting, "Green Day! Green Day! Green Day!" literally in her ear. She gave up wondering and took up the chant with gusto, even coercing Gio to join in with one halfhearted cheer. Then she stopped and shuddered, cringing and slightly gagging.

"Emo....." She shuddered and cringed again, her face scrunched up like she had a bad taste in her mouth, and looked to her two bestest pals and the new guy. "Right. We need a plan and then a contingency plan on how to rouse the e--goths' wrath. And we need another plan on how to properly kidnap Green Day without getting detected...oh, wait, that was just a little fantasy in my head." She paused and turned to the window, looking at the stars whiz by. "Then, we need to find Sirius, then we need to come up with a name for the Sneak, and finally, we need to find some food....I'm STARVING."

After this, everyone went silent, trying to think of a good plan. Ashley, having lost interest in this sooner than the others, turned to the Sneak and asked curiously, "Why did you choose to sing those lines of THAT particular song?"

[Hobbit-eyes]

Back on the Millennium Falcon, Katie, Frankie, Alex, Jackie, Obi-Wan and Anakin were being taken off the ship at non-canon-blaster point. As they left the cockpit, Jackie looked back, and could've sworn she saw Stacey there shrugging, and then vanishing.

"Katie," she muttered, "I could've sworn I just saw Stacey in the cockpit even though she just left on the Sneak's shuttle..."

Katie frowned. "Not another plot hole?"

Meanwhile, Sue-troopers were still looking at Anakin and debating.

"He does look a lot like Anakin," said one of them.

"Yeah, but Anakin doesn't wear eyeliner," argued another, "It's a strictly Jack Sparrow thing."

There was a dreamy sigh.

"Does it matter?" said another, "Even if he isn't Anakin, he still looks like an EXTREMELY HOT Anakin who happens to be wearing EYELINER."

There was a horrified silence. "We ONLY," said the head Sue-trooper in a scandalized voice, "lust after CERTIFIED LUST OBJECTS. We can't lust after REGULAR PEOPLE!"

Frankie overheard all this and, for the first time in quite a long time, got an idea.

"Hey Alex!" she said, "Remember in the last episode when we dressed Oni up like a lust object as a diversion, and he nearly got ripped to shreds by the Sues?"

"Oh yeah," laughed Alex, "Wacky fun..."

"I think we've got an opportunity for blackmail..."