Christmas DOOOOM

[Hobbit-eyes]

(I'd like to start putting this story on fictionpress, by the way. I thought it was so random it ought to be seen by the public... if you really don't like this idea, just let me know, and I won't.)

This whole staring-at-the-rabbit-in-horror thing lasted for quite a while. Frankie's mouth was hanging open in shock as she remembered how something pink could be so evil; David hugged the ice-lollies to his chest, muttering "It's OK, darlings... it's OK..."; Katie was taking advantage of no-one looking to shove more sweets in her pockets.

Finally the rabbit sighed impatiently. "Is this whole staring-at-me-in-horror thing going to last much longer?"

"Aaar," replied Frankie, trying to talk without closing her mouth.

The rabbit rolled its eyes. "Why are you following me? Is it to a) Rescue The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of Bloom, b) Stop Katie from being chavvish, or c) save the entire of Christmas, whoop-dee-dee?"

"Can we phone a friend?" asked Helen.

"Ask the audience?" asked Mort.

"You are a rabbit," said Kathryn, perfectly seriously.

"Computer says no..." said Jackie.

Alex shoved them out of the way, as none of their comments were particularly helpful. "You evil fiend!" she cried, enjoying the drama of the moment, "You no-good-dirty-rotten-fangirl-eye-candy-stealing-Lord-of-the-Rings-nut-into-chav-turning-Christmas-ruining-dastard!!!!!"

"Grrrr!" agreed Frankie, baring her teeth.

"Just don't hurt the children," begged David, holding the ice-creams tighter, "I don't know how I'd tell their mother..."

The Easter Bunny really did not look as though he knew how to deal with these mad, random people. But then, who does?

His confusion was increased by Oni tapping him on the arm, holding a copy of 'WORLD DOMINATION FOR DUMMIES' and a pen. "Hi," he said, "Can you sign this for me? I'm a big fan of your work."

[Helen not signed inobviously]

(sounds good to me 'n' mort)

[Oni]

'World Domination for Dummies'? I resent the implication...but fictionpress? A way for more people to be sucked into the vortex of 'Psycho Time'?

Let's get psycho...

[Paranoid Android]

Yay for World Domination!!! And yay for fictionpress!!

[Paranoid Android]

"I'll sign it," replied the Easter bunny, "If you've only got a mustache."

"What?" asked Oni, confused.

"Yes."

"IT'S A FAKE!" shrieked Frankie with alarmed realisation and indignance.

"What?" asked Kathryn, also confused.

"THE REAL EASTER BUNNY WOULD NEVER BE SO RANDOM! HE'S A FAKE!!!"

"Damn!" yelled the figure and took off down the crisps and biscuits aisle. They chased after him and eventually managed to pounce/dogpile on him, taking off the bunny head.

"BARBOSSA!" yelled Jackie. "What are you doing?!"

"I am TRYING to get a curse lifted here."

"What? Why are you dressed as the Easter bunny?"

"He said he'd give me Will Turner in exchange for wearing this bunny costume and carrying a basket of eggs."

"Didn't you wonder why Will was wearing hotpants?!"

"Well, I already thought he was gay, so, no, not really."

"HEY!" yelled Will indignantly (as do so many people). "I'm not gay, I love Elizabeth!"

He was ignored, except by David, who then sat down in a corner and sulked due to the revelation.

"But, the curse was already lifted!" pointed out Alex.

There was a slight pause as Barbossa processed this information, which here means "a half hour wait in which Frankie grabbed a packet of cookies and shared them around while they waited for Barbossa to realise what a dumbass he'd been".

"DAMMIT!" he cursed, eventually. "ARRRRGH!"

"So, if you're here, then where did the real Easter Bunny go?" asked Alex, being sensible.

"I don't know. He wouldn't tell me. As he left, I did hear him mutter something about Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, and going somewhere you wouldn't dare to go..."

Frankie shrieked in horror.

"OH MY GOD! HE'S GONE INTO A SCREENING OF ALEXANDER!"

[Hobbit-eyes]

"Not... ALEXANDER!!!" whimpered everyone who had read the reviews, or had ever even seen Colin Farrel with the blond wig.

"OMGCOLINFARREL!!!!" shrieked Katie, "He is, like, well fit!"

This statement was so out of character it made Frankie burst into tears again. "I want Uncy Davey cushion!" she wailed, and belly-flopped onto David.

"We've got to get to the cinema!!" said Alex, and started to run down the aisle. After a few steps, she realized that she was alone, and turned back to see everyone standing and watching her go (apart from Frankie, who was sitting on David with a content smile on her face) and looking slightly sheepish.

"Baaaa," said Jackie sheepishly.

"Little curly bows," mused Kathryn.

"Aren't you coming??" said Alex disbelievingly.

"Uh... can't we go and see Lemony Snicket??" said Frankie sadly.

"Colin Farrel is scary," said Helen.

"YOU'RE CRUSHING THE BABIES!!!!" cried David, pulling them out from underneath Frankie, and then screamed. "THEY'RE MELTING!! THEY'RE MELTING!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!!"

He burst into hysterical wails. Frankie joined in, just because she felt like it, and was hoping for a hug from Jack.

Alex rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, we've got to stop the Easter bunny!"

"Why?" asked Mort.

"What?"

"Why do WE have to stop him? Isn't this the sort of thing someone else usually sorts out?"

There was a silence. No-one knew how they could reply to this.

"I'm a nimby who uses crittercams," said Kathryn with a smile on her face.

I stand corrected.

"Well, we don't HAVE to," said Alex exasperatedly, "But don't you think we OUGHT to? Back me up, Katie!"

"Iain'tdunnuffin'," said Katie, looking like she was about to bolt. Several sweet bags fell out of her jeans.

Alex sighed. "Look, we don't HAVE to, but... uhhh... if we DO defeat him, think of all the eggs that'll be left unguarded-"

"TO THE WOFFLEPUD MOBILE!!!!!!!!" shouted Frankie maniacally, and they all ran screaming down the supermarket aisle.

[Rodge]

Still screaming, the odd collection of people ran to the Wofflepud mobile, which had suddenly materialised outside.

It was only when the group had been driving for a while, that frankie thought of something.

"Alex..." she whispered "the woffulpud mobile is bright rainbow swirly colours, and blasting out adiemus. Why didn't you and David stop and stare in wonder at it?"

"Because it's not brightly painted with rainbow colours, and blasting out adiemus, you idiot." Alex whispered back. "It's The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of bloom and black, and blasting Yellowcard, or something... Why didn't you stop and stare in wonder?"

"Because it isn't!"

"Is too!"

''Is not!"

"Oh for heavens sake!" shouted Mort. ''Both of you are wrong! Its a burrberry check, and blasting out some R&B rubbish! And its horrid..." he started wimpering onto David's shoulder. David didn't notice as he was too busy giving his ice-lollys mouth to mouth resusitation. Or so he says. I personally think he had far too much ice-lolly round his mouth...

"What!?" Frankie and Alex both exclaimed, ''No it isn't! Katie would have noticed if it was.''

They all turned to look at Katie, who was busy stuffing her face with the sweets she's stuffed under her jumper.

"What you starin at?" she said aggresively "Iain'tdonenuffin,itwereshellybehindthebikeshedswivbezthatcowsheknewhewergoinoutwivtiffany,
ohmigodandthenshepouredcokeintomybagandigaveherarightslapidid..."

Everyone else rolled their eyes.

"Yep, she'd have notice" Frankie said.

"It is a late parrot!" Kathryn suddenly burst out. Everyone gave her an odd look, and carried on with the conversation.

"I think i know whats happened!" Alex exclaimed. ''Somehow, someone's put a curse on us, so we see and hear what other people would like see and hear, rather than what we should be seeing. Hence the fact that David and i can't see the rainbows and hear adiemus, Frankie can't see the The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of bloom and hear the rock music, and Mort can see the burberry and hear the R&B (poor dear) and Katie can't! The Easter Bunny is trying to divide us!"

"Wow..." said Helen. "That's probably the weirdest, yet strangely sensible sounding thing i've ever heard you say...''

DURN DURN DURN *bang crash thunderclap*

The people in the mobile jumped at the sound, and the vehicle skidded to a halt. There, standing in the middle of the road was the easter bunny.

"Ah-ha!" he cried in an odd fake-german accent. "you haf found out ze cunning plan, and now i shall haf to kill you, ja?"

[Paranoid Android]

Frankie tilted her head to one side, confused at the awfulness of the attempted accent, trying to figure out what on earth it was supposed to be, similar to when she first heard a South African accent and thought it might be some Australian/French hybrid.

Everyone else, however, just blinked.

*blink* went Alex. *blink* went Helen. *blink* went Kathryn. *blink* went Katie. *blink* went Mort. *blink* went Oni. *blink* went Jackie. *blinklickicelollies* went David.

"Heeey..." whined Frankie. "I wanna blink too..."

"Go ahead, no one's stopping you, idiot," said Alex, rather harshly.

"Well, maybe I don't want to NOW."

"Fine. Be like that."

"I will."

"Good."

"SHUT UP!" yelled Jackie, twitching wildly on the floor.

"Oh my God, Jackie, are you alright?" asked Kathryn concernedly. "I'M GOING TO NEED 500 CCs OF CHICKEN SOUP, STAT!"

"Why chicken soup?" asked Mort.

"Becauuuse..." replied Kathryn, meanwhile changing personalities, "I've got a luvverly bunch of coconuts, a deedlydee, there they are a standing in a row..."

"Yeeees..." said Helen slowly, backing away.

"Wait..." asked Oni. "Who's driving?"

They had failed to previously notice that the Wofflepud Mobile had been driving itself. This of course, sent shrieks of terror throughout the majority of the passengers, save Katie, who responded with a "WHAT?! I AIN'T DUN NUFFIN'!"

"Don't worry," said a depressed voice. "I'm a self-driving car. I'm also far more intelligent than you, but I still have to obey your commands." At this point the car, rather oddly, sighed. "Life as a car. Loathe it, or ignore it, you can't like it."

"Oh... My... God...." said Frankie, having reached a point of realisation as to the voice of the car, and the point just before the hyperness that was soon to be released. Like the friendly tremours before a huge earthquake.

"What?" asked Alex, still being mildly sensible, and having forgotten that she wasn't talking to Frankie.

[Hobbit-eyes]

"This car... is Marvin the Paranoid Android," whispered Frankie.

"Why are you whispering?" said Alex.

"And why is the car going again? Hadn't it stopped because the Easter Bunny had appeared and was talking in a German accent?" said Helen confusedly.

"Evidently not..." said Mort.

"Then where's the Easter Bunny?"

"I don't know... oh wait, there he is." They looked out the back window to see the Easter Bunny chasing after them, muttering 'Keep breathing, that's the key, breathe...'

"Why are you whispering?" asked Alex again.

"Because," whispered Frankie, "The smallest thing could set him off..."

"Who? Marvin?"

"Are you talking about me?" moaned Marvin the Paranoid Wofflepud Mobile, "Saying nothing good, no doubt."

"No," said Frankie quickly, "We were just saying about how - uh - shiny you are."

"I loathe shininess," said Marvin.

"Oh..."

"Everyone polishes me ready for the next people, but what if I don't WANT to be polished? No-one listens to me, oh no, I'm just Marvin the Wofflepud Mobile... god I'm depressed..."

"Make him stop!" wailed Mort, covering his ears.

"Oh, I'M sorry, does my life sadden you?" said Marvin, "Just imagine what it is like to be living it... actually, don't... it's beyond your capacity... I've got a brain the size of a planet, you know..."

"LALALALALALALALA!!!!" sang Mort, hands clamped over his ears.

"ARIADIAMUS LATE ARIADIAMUS DA!!! ARI A NATUS AVE ADUA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" sang Alex, hands clamped over her ears.

"Kathryn!" said Frankie desperately, "Are any of your personalities a psychotherapist?"

"Harry Potter is so cool," sighed Kathryn, staring into space.

"And how do you feel about that?" asked Jackie, nodding thoughtfully.

"WAIT! JACKIE, PSYCHOTHERAPIZE THE WOFFLEPUD MOBILE!!!" Frankie pointed Jackie at the dashboard.

"Hmm, and how do you believe this will contribute to your overall happiness?" asked Jackie.

"Oh great, so now I need a psychotherapist," said Marvin, "NOW I feel appreciated. I hate life."

"And how does that make you feel?" asked Jackie.

"Depressed," said Marvin, "Is that not a given? Wait, I forget your intellect is inferior..."

"OH MY GOD, I SO CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT!" said Katie indignantly, "I'm WELL clever! Cosyouknowrightjusttheotherdayinclasstheteacherwastalkingaboutsomefingorotherandiwasjustliketalkingtotrishbutthenhewentandasked
mesomefingwhichiknewnuffingaboutandIwaslikewhatthehellisthataboutmanandhesaidiwasstupidwhichwaswelloutoforderbutitdon'tmatter
anywaycosi'mgonnabelikethenextbeyonceandmakeloadsamoneyandsoidon'tneedtoknowstuffanyway..."

"A-NA-MA-NA COO-LE RA-WE A-NA-MA-NA COO-LE RA A-NA-MA-NA COO-LE RA-WE A-KA-LA!!!!!!" sang Alex even louder.

"AAAAAAH!!!!" sang David in accompaniment.

"Gimme some of that rum," said Oni, snatching a bottle from Jack Sparrow.

"Normally I'd say no," said Jack, "But I think we need it...|

"A-HA!!!" said the Easter bunny in triumph, finally catching up with the car and throwing the door open.

He was met by the strange scene, of Jackie giving psychotherapy to the depressed Wofflepud Mobile, Kathryn explaining to Frankie the delights of Harry Potter, Katie muttering about how she was well smart really, Mort and Helen sitting hugging each other for comfort, Jack and Oni swigging rum in the corner, Will with a pink bow and hotpants, and Alex and David with their hands over their ears singing 'Adiemus'....

No wonder he did a double take.

In that double take, however, Frankie saw him, and jumped on top of him, and started biting his shoulder shouting "YOU MADE KATIE EBIL! YOU MADE MORT MASCULINE!!! AND WORST OF ALL, YOU MADE US LEAVE ICE-CREAM LAND BEFORE I COULD FIND ANOTHER WHIPPY MOUNTAIN!!!!"

Everyone looked up just in time to see the momentum of Frankie's jump send her, and the Easter Bunny, tumbling from the still moving vehicle...

[Paranoid Android]

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, in the car, wherever you want to call it, Oni had stolen Jack's bottle of rum, and a fight was now ensuing, although it was more of a hissyfit on Jack's part.

"Gimme back my ruuum..." he practically sobbed. "I said you could have some of it because it was an emergency, not that you could have all of it..."

"HA! Tough! I am in need of the sweet sweet nectar of the alcoholicness..."

"What?"

"ME NEED BOOZE."

[Hobbit-eyes]

"GUYS!" shouted Helen, "Frankie just fell out of the car with the Easter bunny!!!"

"ARIADIAMUS LATE- what?" said Alex, removing her hands from her ears. She looked around and saw the absence of pinkness, the unattacked Jack Sparrow and the open car door, and the sound of an easter bunny shouting "OW! STOP BITING ME!" and drew the right conclusion.

"FRANKIIIIE!" she cried, and leapt out of the Wofflepud mobile after her.

"ALEEEEX!" shouted David, leaping after her.

"FELLOW CAMP ONE!!" shouted Mort, jumping after David.

"MOORTYYYY!" shouted Helen, jumping after him.

"SANE PERSON!!!" shouted Jack, jumping after her.

"FELLOW POTC CHARACTER!!" shouted Will, jumping after him.

"RUUUM!" shouted Oni, jumping after Jack as well.

"BAAAA!" shouted Kathryn and Jackie, leaping out as well, luckily currently in sheep/lemming mentalities.

Katie sat alone, glaring at nothing in particular. There was a pause. "Well, I ain't stayin' wiv you, bitch," she said to Marvin, and jumped out as well.

And so everyone went tumbling down the embankment next to the road, but at intervals of course, as the car had been travelling forwards.

Meanwhile, back at the more dramatic ranch, Frankie was still biting the Easter bunny repeatedly. It seemed to be going rather well - as well as biting an easter bunny repeatedly can go, anyway - but suddenly the Easter Bunny pulled out an egg from its basket.

"STOP!" he ordered.

"Why?" asked Frankie through a mouthful of fur.

"Because - oh no, don't start that again..."

"Why?"

"BECAUSE," said the rabbit irritatedly, "this egg contains sparkle which will make you hate all that is pink and sparkly, hate Johnny Depp, love The Meerkat We Do Not Speak Of Bloom, and make you want to dye your hair blonde and buy McFly and Blazin' Squad CDs!!!!"

"Why?"

Before the Easter Bunny could be more aggravated however, Alex ran up. She saw the egg, and gasped.

"FRANKIE! DON'T ANNOY HIM!"

"Why?" asked Frankie, still not quite comprehending the trouble she was in.

Alex could see that that way of averting disaster was fruitless. And nutless, and chocolateless, much to her dismay. She tried a different tactic. "Look, Mr Easter Bunny - can I call you Tim?" The rabbit stared. "Yeah, I'm gonna call you Tim. Why are you trying to destroy Christmas? I mean, it's a lot of trouble, and look, easter eggs are out in the shops already... why don't you spend your time telling Jake Gyllenhaal the world's going to end, or something? Doesn't your cousin do that?"

"Be quiet," said the rabbit.

"Why?" asked Frankie.

"Because I'm about to leave," said the rabbit through gritted teeth, "and you are going to stay here."

"OK!" said Frankie happily. The rabbit stood up. Frankie still clung onto its shoulders.

"Uh..." said the rabbit, "Aren't you going to let go?"

"Nope," beamed Frankie.

"She really won't," said Alex, "Once the piggy-back mood hits her, nothing will detach her..."

The rabbit didn't look like it knew how to deal with this. Then it shrugged. "Fine," he said, and suddenly started bounding away across the landscape, just as everyone else ran up next to Alex.

"Frankie!" they all cried, "Alex, do you think she'll be all right?"

Already far away in the distance, they could hear Frankie singing. "Piggy-back, piggy-back, piggy-back rock..."

"I don't think it's her we should be worrying about," said Alex.

[Paranoid Android]

Meanwhile, back at the piggy-back ranch, Frankie was still singing the piggy-back ranch national anthem - The Piggy-back Rock, which, basically, is the Jingle Bell Rock, only Jingle Bell was replaced by Piggy-back. A stroke of genius on her part, I'm sure.

"Piggy-back, piggy-back, piggy-back rock..."

"SHUT UP!"

"Why?"

"Oh, not this again... I still have that egg, you know."

"So?"

"So, I could attack you with it."

"But that wouldn't be very nice..."

"I KNOW that, I AM evil, you know."

"But being evil isn't very nice!"

"I KNOW!!!"

"Fine, I'll be quiet..."

"Thank yo- OW!"

As you may have guessed, Frankie had resumed biting the Easter Bunny. Of course, he didn't take to this kindly, and threw her off in a raging fit of pain.

"Hey! I was busy biting there!" exclaimed Frankie indignantly, as was evident by the exclamation mark used in the written version of what she had said vocally.

"Well, I don't want you biting me, now, if you don't mind, I'm off to get rid of Christmas."

And with that, the Easter Bunny stalked off. What he didn't realise, though, was that Frankie had started doing some stalking of her own, and not the kind that involved Jack Sparrow and a large high-power pair of binoculars...

[Hobbit-eyes]

The Easter bunny stomped along the road, muttering to itself in frustration, anger, confusion and several other emotions. "Stupid pink girl, with her immature pinkness..."

"That's meeean," wailed a voice behind him. He stopped. Almost too afraid to turn round, it did so anyway, which is never a good idea - especially when the sight of Frankie, sticking out her bottom lip in a sulk, is what waits for you. In the easter bunny's case, it most certainly did.

"Why are you still following me???" said the Rabbit.

"I 'unno!" shrugged Frankie, smiling sunnily, an adverb which here means, instead of 'in a way similar to the sun', 'in a very cute way but which gave the receiver an unnerving feeling she was about to bite them again.'

"Go away!"

"'Kay!!" beamed Frankie. The rabbit stared at her. She didn't move. He turned and started walking down the road again. Frankie skipped after him, singing "'I'm a little teapot, well, not really, to suggest I was pottery would be slightly silly..."

The rabbit stopped again. "I said go away!!!" he shouted in exasperation.

"I know you did," smiled Frankie, "Did you forget? Getting old can mean you get senile, you know..."

"But you're not going away!!!"

"Yes I am! Just in the same direction as you."

"THEN GO AWAY IN ANOTHER DIRECTION!!!"

"Whyyy?"

"Because you're annoying me!!"

"Whyyy?"

"Because - SHUT UP!"

"Whyyy?"

"LOOK! I still have that egg, you know!"

"Yah, I know," said Frankie.

"Do you WANT me to use it?"

"Uh-uh!" said Frankie, shaking her vigorously, "That wouldn't be niiice."

"THEN WHY ARE YOU ANNOYING ME?"

"I 'unno!" said Frankie, shrugging, and then looked thoughtful. "I think it's a disease..." Her face broke into a smile and grabbed the bunny's hands, and started skipping around in a circle with it, singing, "My name is Cookie! I am a Wookie! COME ON, SING WITH ME!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Alex and the others were following the Easter Bunny's trail. Every now and then they'd hear the rabbit's cries of frustration, and know that Frankie was just fine.

"I wonder where the rabbit's going?" wondered Alex out loud, "To the school, or to the screening of Alexander, or to somewhere even more terrifying..."

Mort gasped. "Is that POSSIBLE?"

"I think so..."

"TOOO INFINITE... AND BEYOOOOND!!!!!" shouted Kathryn, running down the path with an arm outstretched and making 'vrrooooom' noises.

"Now technically, there's nothing further than infinite," said Jackie, apparently in a mathematician mood, "Because infinite is just a name for a value which doesn't exist... basically, it's impossible to get to in the first place, so how are you supposed to get beyond it? And also, by looking at a tan graph, you can see that as you approach the positive infinite, you end up coming BACK from the negative infinite and heading towards zero again, which leads to some interesting theories about the universe..."

"Shrimp shrimp shrimp shrimp shrimp shrimp shrimp shrimp..." sang Kathryn, apparently undeterred by Jackie's speech. Everyone else was still blinking confusedly.

"Oh my god, that's, like, maths and rubbish, innit?" said Katie, "You RE-TARD."

"I don't like this Katie!" wailed David, "She's meeeean! In a chav-like manner!"

"Isn't there anything we can do about it?" said Oni, "I've run out of rum, so I can't drink myself to the point she sounds intelligent..."

"Did you try Lord of the Rings stuff?" asked Helen.

"Yeah," said Alex, "But it might be wearing off by now... it could work better..."

"I'll try again," said Mort, and took a deep breath. "OMG, LEGOLAS WAS, LIKE, SO FIT, HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN KING OF GONDOR INSTEAD OF THAT ARGON GUY!!!"

"Yaaaay!" cheered David, "King Orli! King Orli!"

"WAIT!" Katie had just twitched ever so slightly. "Keep saying LOTR uncanon stuff!" said Mort, "Stuff that would make Katie kill us! Oh, and protect sensitive areas if she starts to go back to normal..."

[Paranoid Android]

"You know what would've been REALLY hot?" said Oni, exaggeratedly. "If Arwyn and Eyowin had got together! Eyowin could have given that necklace (what's it called? The morningstar?) to Arwyn."

At this, Katie twitched again, more violently.

"IT'S WORKING!" yelled Alex triumphantly, and started to un-canon LotR with the others. "I've just started writing this LotR fanfiction where Frodo and Sam are lovers, and they have an orgy with Merry and Pippin in Farmer Maggot's field, until Farmer Maggot comes to chase them away, only he changes his mind and joins in."

At this shocking thought of un-canon and slash fanfiction, Katie fell to the ground and started twitching.

"I particularly liked it when Saruman tried to destroy Legolas' One ring, only he fell in love with him, and couldn't do it, so they married instead using the ring. Then when they divorced because Saruman was still in love with Gandalf, and Legolas was actually still married to Theoden, I thought that was a great bit," added Helen.

If there was one thing Katie couldn't stand, it was unfounded, un-canon, slash pairings. So she could do nothing but start having a near-epileptic fit. Then suddenly, she uttered a single sentence...

[Morty]

"I am the lizard queen...!"

Helen put her hands over her ears, sank to the ground on her knees and started sobbing.

Mort's eyes widened comically.

"HEY, THAT'S MY LINE!!!"