Post by Hobbit-eyes on Aug 5, 2005 6:54:30 GMT -5
I just discovered this in the depths of my computer, and thought it ought to be shared with the world ;D But some things must be made clear before you read this.
Warning 1 - It was written just before ROTK came out - most of it in three days. So I was in a quick-random-spewing mood.
Warning 2 - This is just TTT. I made up FOTR on the spot to entertain Frankie and Alex and never wrote it down, I wrote down this one to entertain us on the way up to the LOTR exhibition before we saw ROTK, and I never wrote ROTK. I may one day, but a lot will have changed (see below)
Warning 3 - This was in the early days of my writing. It is not a literary masterpiece. But then, nothing I write is.
Warning 4 - As I said before, this was early days. And Frankie and I were still in the depths of our *shame* Legolas Lusting. Our behaviour in this story is inexcusable.
Warning 5 - As is our treatment of the other characters.
You have been warned. Five times.
Now enjoy it for the terrible random fanstory it is.
The Two Towers - Weird Version
Aka How Teenage Hormones really will embarrass you in later life
PREVIOUSLY, on the Lord of the Rings Weird Version!
Frankie and Alex were walking in a forest when, for some reason, they got beamed into Middle-earth. They then kidnapped Sam and Merry and took their places, so that Alex could find Aragorn and Frankie could find Legolas. They went through FOTR with them, but then, at Amon Hen, Frankie got beamed back to the normal world. But Alex didn't come with her - instead, she discovered that she was now accompanied by a certain annoyed hobbit gardener...
“KATIE!” screamed Frankie down the phone, “You’ve GOT to help me. I’ve got a depressed hobbit gardener here, looking for his master.”
“... Frankie, have you been at the Gaffer’s home brew?”
“No! I’m serious!” Frankie was very stressed. Having just returned from Middle Earth, she had discovered that Alex had been left behind, and was now doomed to go to Mordor with Frodo - a terrible fate. “It’s Samwise Gamgee!”
“....”
“Look, listen for yourself.”
Katie sighed on the other end of the line. If her calculations were correct, Frankie wasn’t supposed to proceed onto full-on hallucinations for at least another month. “Who is this?” she sighed.
“...What, I just talk into this bit?” said a cutesy voice on the other end, “Mr Frodo? Is that you?”
“Wow, Frankie, you’re really getting good at that accent,” sighed Katie.
“What accent?” said the voice confusedly, “Are you some servant of the Dark Lord?”
“Voldemort?”
“Who?”
“Oh, you mean Darth Vader?”
“What’s going on?”
“Sauron?” gasped Katie, “But Frankie, you only refer to Sauron as toaster or Legolas-hater. Even I think that one’s a bit harsh.”
“Legolas?” said the voice with contempt, “That nancy boy? The one who thinks he’s all that? He ain’t so hot.”
Katie gasped in fear and alarm and many other emotions, including hunger. “Oh my God! You can’t be Frankie! She’d NEVER say that! And none of our friends are as mad as to play along with this... you must be Sam!” she cried, “FRANKIE! Have you kidnapped Sean Astin?”
“No,” grumbled Frankie on the other end, “Alex and I got transported to Middle Earth, and we joined the Fellowship of the Ring, but I got transported back while Alex was left behind. And for some reason, Sam came back instead. What do I do?”
Katie thought. She wouldn’t believe Frankie, but... the voice had said it hated Legolas... that couldn’t have been Frankie. And when Frankie was acting crazily, she normally added ‘squee’. And she’d never said so much without saying ‘Legolas’ or ‘0rlando' before.
“Fine,” said Katie, “Come to my house. We’ll try and decide what to do.”
“Should I leave Sam at Alex’s?”
“NO!” screamed Katie in horror, “Remember? Her sister likes him!”
“OH GOD NO!!!” shrieked Frankie, “She’d eat him alive!!!! No, not literally of course, Sam...”
“He’ll have to stay here,” said Katie, “My sister’ll look after him. And the garden does need a bit of attention...”
After much consultation of the film, they concluded that fate is easily tempted in the Lord of the Rings, and Legolas is hotter when thinking than fighting, but has more style when fighting. They decided to tempt fate and set off to the forest where Frankie and Alex had vanished.
“OH, I’M SO GLAD I’M NOT BACK IN MIDDLE EARTH,” said Frankie really loudly, “AND I’M GLAD ALEX HAS TO GO TO MORDOR-“ She was cut off by a slight jolt, and suddenly they were on the plains of Rohan.
When this happened, as in the first one, all knowledge of the plot of second and third books and film went out of their minds (which may explain a lot in the first one of this). They didn’t know where they were, but they knew that there must be some characters nearby for them to be beamed there. With a small pop, Alex appeared next to them, looking very bewildered, but intensely relieved.
“Oh, thank GOD!” she cried, “I thought I’d be stuck here forever!”
“Where are we?” asked Katie.
“The plains of Rohan,” said Alex, “But I guess we can go home now.”
“NO!” screamed Frankie, “Legolas has just realised he likes me! We’ve got to stay. But who’s going with whom?”
“Bagsy not with Frodo!” said Katie, but immediately vanished. From the direction of Emyn Muil came a muffled, but amazingly clear, profanity.
“We’ve been a bad influence on her vocabulary, Frankie,” said Alex.
“Well, that’s her sorted,” said Frankie, “You can go with Pippy.”
“But I wanna go with Aragorn...” she moaned, but with a small jolt, was suddenly being used as a backpack for an orc, with an unconscious Pippin at her side.
“Dammit,” she muttered.
Warning 1 - It was written just before ROTK came out - most of it in three days. So I was in a quick-random-spewing mood.
Warning 2 - This is just TTT. I made up FOTR on the spot to entertain Frankie and Alex and never wrote it down, I wrote down this one to entertain us on the way up to the LOTR exhibition before we saw ROTK, and I never wrote ROTK. I may one day, but a lot will have changed (see below)
Warning 3 - This was in the early days of my writing. It is not a literary masterpiece. But then, nothing I write is.
Warning 4 - As I said before, this was early days. And Frankie and I were still in the depths of our *shame* Legolas Lusting. Our behaviour in this story is inexcusable.
Warning 5 - As is our treatment of the other characters.
You have been warned. Five times.
Now enjoy it for the terrible random fanstory it is.
The Two Towers - Weird Version
Aka How Teenage Hormones really will embarrass you in later life
PREVIOUSLY, on the Lord of the Rings Weird Version!
Frankie and Alex were walking in a forest when, for some reason, they got beamed into Middle-earth. They then kidnapped Sam and Merry and took their places, so that Alex could find Aragorn and Frankie could find Legolas. They went through FOTR with them, but then, at Amon Hen, Frankie got beamed back to the normal world. But Alex didn't come with her - instead, she discovered that she was now accompanied by a certain annoyed hobbit gardener...
“KATIE!” screamed Frankie down the phone, “You’ve GOT to help me. I’ve got a depressed hobbit gardener here, looking for his master.”
“... Frankie, have you been at the Gaffer’s home brew?”
“No! I’m serious!” Frankie was very stressed. Having just returned from Middle Earth, she had discovered that Alex had been left behind, and was now doomed to go to Mordor with Frodo - a terrible fate. “It’s Samwise Gamgee!”
“....”
“Look, listen for yourself.”
Katie sighed on the other end of the line. If her calculations were correct, Frankie wasn’t supposed to proceed onto full-on hallucinations for at least another month. “Who is this?” she sighed.
“...What, I just talk into this bit?” said a cutesy voice on the other end, “Mr Frodo? Is that you?”
“Wow, Frankie, you’re really getting good at that accent,” sighed Katie.
“What accent?” said the voice confusedly, “Are you some servant of the Dark Lord?”
“Voldemort?”
“Who?”
“Oh, you mean Darth Vader?”
“What’s going on?”
“Sauron?” gasped Katie, “But Frankie, you only refer to Sauron as toaster or Legolas-hater. Even I think that one’s a bit harsh.”
“Legolas?” said the voice with contempt, “That nancy boy? The one who thinks he’s all that? He ain’t so hot.”
Katie gasped in fear and alarm and many other emotions, including hunger. “Oh my God! You can’t be Frankie! She’d NEVER say that! And none of our friends are as mad as to play along with this... you must be Sam!” she cried, “FRANKIE! Have you kidnapped Sean Astin?”
“No,” grumbled Frankie on the other end, “Alex and I got transported to Middle Earth, and we joined the Fellowship of the Ring, but I got transported back while Alex was left behind. And for some reason, Sam came back instead. What do I do?”
Katie thought. She wouldn’t believe Frankie, but... the voice had said it hated Legolas... that couldn’t have been Frankie. And when Frankie was acting crazily, she normally added ‘squee’. And she’d never said so much without saying ‘Legolas’ or ‘0rlando' before.
“Fine,” said Katie, “Come to my house. We’ll try and decide what to do.”
“Should I leave Sam at Alex’s?”
“NO!” screamed Katie in horror, “Remember? Her sister likes him!”
“OH GOD NO!!!” shrieked Frankie, “She’d eat him alive!!!! No, not literally of course, Sam...”
“He’ll have to stay here,” said Katie, “My sister’ll look after him. And the garden does need a bit of attention...”
After much consultation of the film, they concluded that fate is easily tempted in the Lord of the Rings, and Legolas is hotter when thinking than fighting, but has more style when fighting. They decided to tempt fate and set off to the forest where Frankie and Alex had vanished.
“OH, I’M SO GLAD I’M NOT BACK IN MIDDLE EARTH,” said Frankie really loudly, “AND I’M GLAD ALEX HAS TO GO TO MORDOR-“ She was cut off by a slight jolt, and suddenly they were on the plains of Rohan.
When this happened, as in the first one, all knowledge of the plot of second and third books and film went out of their minds (which may explain a lot in the first one of this). They didn’t know where they were, but they knew that there must be some characters nearby for them to be beamed there. With a small pop, Alex appeared next to them, looking very bewildered, but intensely relieved.
“Oh, thank GOD!” she cried, “I thought I’d be stuck here forever!”
“Where are we?” asked Katie.
“The plains of Rohan,” said Alex, “But I guess we can go home now.”
“NO!” screamed Frankie, “Legolas has just realised he likes me! We’ve got to stay. But who’s going with whom?”
“Bagsy not with Frodo!” said Katie, but immediately vanished. From the direction of Emyn Muil came a muffled, but amazingly clear, profanity.
“We’ve been a bad influence on her vocabulary, Frankie,” said Alex.
“Well, that’s her sorted,” said Frankie, “You can go with Pippy.”
“But I wanna go with Aragorn...” she moaned, but with a small jolt, was suddenly being used as a backpack for an orc, with an unconscious Pippin at her side.
“Dammit,” she muttered.
??
