|
Post by Ashley on Jun 6, 2005 21:29:19 GMT -5
Ashley nearly had to chew the inside of her mouth out to keep from laughing at A) the Tippex igloo, B) the Sues naivety, and C) The Sneak's excellent reference to Ashley's absolute favorite Graham Chapman character from Monty Python. In fact, with that Monty Python reference, Ashley had gained a newfound respect for The Sneak. She made a mental note to thank her later.
Sue One walked up to Ashley with a malevolent grin on her face. "So, you are an entertainer for the Ice Princess and Mr. Luxury Yacht?"
Ashley nodded. "Er...it's pronounced 'Throat Warbler Mangrove'."
"Yes, whatever," Sue One said with an eyeroll. "Well, beings that you are an entertainer, you must entertain my entire Sue Army until they arrive."
"What?" Ashley said in a flat monotone.
"Yes. You must entertain them and entertain them well."
"Why?"
"Because, we must have proof that you are, in fact, what you claim. And besides, we haven't had good entertainment in years," Sue One said. Ashley's good feelings toward The Sneak had completely diminished for the moment.
"Er..."
"Now, we must get you in uniform and ready to perform." Ashley didn't like the sound of that at all--in fact, she detested the thought.
--13.4 Minutes Later--
Ashley stood onstage in a---gulp---pink outfit. She felt degrated to nothing and wishing, no, PRAYING, for something black. Yes, she needed black. Sue One clapped her hands.
"Commence," she ordered. Ashley froze, too busying worrying about her pink apparel to think of what to perform. She thought for a moment.
" I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!," she belted out at the top of her lungs.
|
|
HappyPie
Ranger
One's never alone with a rubber duck.
Posts: 127
|
Post by HappyPie on Jun 7, 2005 9:09:56 GMT -5
On the millenium falcon, all was...total chaos. As usual. Frankie was happily handcuffed to Anakin, and Oni just so to Natalie Portman. Anakin was reaching for his lightsaber (but thwarted by the tons of flowers and heart-shaped candy Frankie had stuffed into his belt), while Natalie Portman was complaining about not having any hairspray. Unable to bear seeing the woman unhappy, Oni joined her screaming. Soon, everyone on the ship was about to burst with annoyance-especially Anakin, because he couldn't reach his lightsaber. Finally, Katie yelled, "Could somebody get this chick some hairspray?!!??!!??" Everyone began frantically searching all of the pantries, cabinets, and large flat surfaces in the ship, but all they discovered was mounds of unused photocopied paper. Too frantic to be struck with the complete irony of this, the wofflepuds kept on thier search, until... "I've got it!" announced Stacey. Everyone looked at her excitedly. "You've found some hairspray?" asked Katie. "No...but I know where we CAN find some!!" "WHERE?" everyone yelled, exasperated. "On the Sue ship, of course!!" "Brilliant!" said Natalie. Everyone else sighed and went back to searching, unaware of how incredibly close they were getting to the Sue ship.
|
|
|
Post by Ashley on Jun 7, 2005 10:08:50 GMT -5
Ashley had finished the Lumberjack song, had ran through the "Bum Diddle Diddle Song", the Medical Love Song and The Camelot Song. The Sues were less than thrilled with the performance thus far, as the words were more often than not very dodgy and crude. It didn't matter to Ashley; she just had to keep them stalled until the Wofflepuds came to her rescue.
" **** you very much the FCC..."
|
|
HappyPie
Ranger
One's never alone with a rubber duck.
Posts: 127
|
Post by HappyPie on Jun 7, 2005 18:31:35 GMT -5
Aboard the Millenium Falcon, it was the Sneak who found the hairspray. Now the crew could turn thier attention back to the fact that they were about to crash into the Sue's ship...
|
|
HappyPie
Ranger
One's never alone with a rubber duck.
Posts: 127
|
Post by HappyPie on Jun 7, 2005 19:02:10 GMT -5
Meanwhile, Ashley couldn't hold on much longer, as she was getting through her best number with haste (due to Sues who were throwing incredibly pink and furry tomatoes at her and demanding some Brittany Spears or something). She was at the best part:
"So f*** you very much dear Mr. Bush for heroically sitting on your tush..."
She couldn't do it much longer. She was in danger of giggling.
*flip scene*
There was nothing that the Wofflepuds could do. Thier only hope was... "Doris?" "Yes?" "calculate the improbability of us missing the Sue's ship and hurtling into space so that we can regain control and land on the Incredibly Long Acronym star...feed it into the finite probability drive...And for God's sake, carry the 1 on the 942nd equasion!" Katie commanded. "You could've said please." "DOOORRRRIIIIIIIISS!!!" the entire crew yelled together. "Alright, alright, I'll do it." "You know what I think?" Katie asked Stacey. "Hmm?" "our computer is by-polar." "I heard that, you know." "keep calculating. This is not exactly a petty issue we have on our hands." "Well, niether is this..." "Please, Doris..." "No." The wofflepuds were in trouble again. "Okay, crew, deep thinking hhmmmmmm!"
|
|
Nfinity
Ent
Nothing makes sense, when you're easily bewildered.
Posts: 588
|
Post by Nfinity on Jun 7, 2005 20:05:06 GMT -5
Stacey, with the incredibly large poly-styrene nose attached quite securly to her otherwise normal-sized honker, (the other Wofflepuds realized, as an afterthought, that super glue might not have been the best choice to attach the fake schlong), was attempting to reason with the computer who was refusing to take her to her Ashley.
"Doris, I'm begging you, please, do the calculations so that I can have my Ashley back?" The computer refused to answer. "Please?"
"No," Doris sniffed in an injured tone. Stacey sighed. She looked at the remaining Woffluepuds, Anakin, and Natalie with a sorrowfilled expression on her face. "I really didn't want to have to do this," she said. "But it seems to be the only way." Katie's eyes widened.
"What are you thinking in that pea-sized brain of yours?" Stacey sighed, deeply remorseful.
"It's best if you just go into another part of the ship, close your ears and think happy thoughts." The seriousness of Stacey's reply caused everyone to nervously make their way to the back of the ship, plugging their ears with the photocopied paper. Once they were all safely out of harm's way, Stacey turned back to the computer.
"I'll ask nicely, one last time, Doris, recalculate the Infinite Probability Drive, please, or you will force me to so something I really don't want to do."
"Like what?" Doris huffed. Stacey sighed, filled her lungs with air and began singing as loud as she could and as off key as she could.
"WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE!
Within five minutes Doris had the calculations redone and they were safely back on course.
|
|
|
Post by Ashley on Jun 7, 2005 21:14:48 GMT -5
As singing and dodging furry pink tomatoes, Ashley suddenly had a sick and queasy feeling in her stomach. She had to repress the urge to gag, for she knew, somewhere in the galaxy, Yellow Submarine was being sung.
|
|
Tiki
Ranger
I'd call you a genius, except I'm in the room.
Posts: 245
|
Post by Tiki on Jun 7, 2005 21:34:52 GMT -5
"I sense a disturbance in the Force..." the Sneak mumbled to herself.
Stacey gasped. "Is Ashley in trouble? I mean, more than she's already in?"
"No, I just remembered that I forgot to eat breakfast this morning."
"Oh."
All was surprisingly silent on the Falcon, except for the fact that Doris was mumbling incoherently to herself, but the words "rude" and "cruel" came up often.
The Sneak then remembered something that had nothing to do with breakfast. "Hey, my ship is still docked to this ship, right?"
Everyone nodded except for Frankie and Oni who were drooling over their lust objects, much to Anakin and Natalie's dismay.
"Well," the Sneak continued, "since we're all impatient to get Ashley back, let me and Stacey go first."
"And just where would I sit? Strapped on the top?" Stacey had just won her spot on the Price is Right!
Five minutes later, the Sneak was flying speedily to the Sue Star with Stacey duct-taped to the wing.
|
|
HappyPie
Ranger
One's never alone with a rubber duck.
Posts: 127
|
Post by HappyPie on Jun 8, 2005 7:22:23 GMT -5
"Oh, it really is a bummer when I cannot fill my-"
Ashley knew she was going to barf when suddenly the person singing "Yellow Submarine" stopped!!!
-Hummer"
Ash kept on singing. She could do this.
~flip scene~
Back on the millenium falcon, the remaining wofflepuds removed the photocopied paper from thier ears. "How much of this do you have left?" Katie asked them cautiously. "Plenty," Oni informed her. The Wofflepuds clapped, praising Oni for uttering an intelligible and murder-free syllable. Oni looked at them like they were nuts. Which they were. That was why they were there. "Good, 'cuz Ashley's gonna be mad..."
|
|
Nfinity
Ent
Nothing makes sense, when you're easily bewildered.
Posts: 588
|
Post by Nfinity on Jun 8, 2005 21:43:48 GMT -5
Stacey, strapped to the wing of the Sue Fighter, was thinking that she probably looked like that Arabic guy from the Mummy who was strapped to the airplane, only without a smile...or the machine gun. She could really use some super glue remover, and some Irish coffee, and a good book. But most especially she really needed to get the Beatles out of her head. They'd moved on from *The Song We Do NOT Name* to "I Wanna Hold Your Hand", and then prgressed to a medley of "Let It Be", "Hey Jude", and "Hard Day's Night".
"Stacey?" Stacey foolishly looked around for the source of the voice. "It's your helmet mike, idiot." Stacey stuck out her tongue, forgettting that the Sneak couldn't see her.
"Yeah, Sneak? You know, the Sneak isn't a very good name. We should call you something else. What was your name before you were a Sue?" There was silence on the other end and Stacey was afraid that she'd offended her cohort when the Sneak scared the crap out of her with her reply.
"I really don't remember." Pause. "I just can't remember." Antoher pause. "I honestly don't remeber."
"ALLRIGHT!" Stacey shouted, for what she hated mroe than anything was someone repeating themselves endlessly, ceaselessly, continously, until she couldn't take it anymore. "Well, I'll just have to come up with something for you. Hmmmmm......."
Twenty minutes later as the Sue DINMPAACGMAWTMOAPANCW Star loomed ever closer, Stacey had it.
"I've got it!" The proverbial lightbulb (though still quite dim) was flickering over her head and the Sneak waited anxiously for her answer. "How about.... wait, I lost it." A minute went by. "OH! What about.... no, wait, gone again." A few seconds later. "I've remembered now.... why don't we call you....."
At that moment the Pink Sue Tractor Beam of Absolute Disgustingness cut Stacey off and they were pulled into the Sue Absurdly Long Acronym Star.
|
|
|
Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jun 11, 2005 8:38:12 GMT -5
Meanwhile, back on the Millennium Falcon, everyone realized they'd been working non-stop for the past few hours and promptly all sat down for a break, and had hot chocolate and biscuits.
"We hardly ever get time for this any more..." observed Jackie. She looked out of the front window. "Hey, is that Stacey and the Sneak being drawn into the Really Long Acronym Star on a Pink Tractor Beam?"
"I do believe it is," said Katie. There was a moment of silence. "Hey, who ate the last bourbon?"
"Glare smoulderingly," Frankie ordered Anakin, in her own particularly scary way.
After some time, it suddenly occurred to them that they ought to do something to help.
"Doris!" said Katie, "Activate the Improbability Drive! Make us appear in the ship!"
"I can't work under these conditions," huffed Doris, "I get no appreciation around here."
Katie sighed and rolled her eyes. "Frankie, make the ship feel loved."
"Do I have to?" moaned Frankie. She was currently staring at Anakin's ear in adoration.
"Yes. Do it."
"Fine." Frankie leapt to her feet and started hugging the ship's control panel. "I WUV YOU DORIS!!! YOU'RE THE BESTEST COMPUTER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! Except for Marvin... BUT YOU'RE STILL MARVY-SOOPA-FANTASTIC!!!!"
After many more proclamations of adoration along similar lines, Doris finally beamed the Millennium Falcon into the Really Long Acronym Star.
|
|
|
Post by Ashley on Jun 11, 2005 15:19:55 GMT -5
All the Sues were glaring at Ashley wildly. She had efficienty went through her entire repetoire of Monty Python songs, ending with the Spam Song, which really had gone a step too far. Sue One was about to lunge herself at the stage, when Sue # 432 stopped her to give an important message.
"We've intercepted the ship of the Ice Princess," Sue #432 said. "Mr. Luxury Yacht--"
"Throat Warbler Mangrove--" Ashley interrupted.
"Whatever--" Sue #432 said. "The man who promised up a poster of his yacht--"
"--pronounced yacht--" Ashley interrupted again.
"Shut up!" Sue #432 squeaked. "Is accompanying the Ice Princess.
"Bring them in," Sue One ordered. At that moment, the lighting turned to a frosty blue color as it illuminated the door entranceway. The Ice Princess and Mr. Raymond Luxury Yacht (Throat Warbler Mangrove) entered. There was a gasp from all of the Sues, and then an uncomfortable silence.
"Nice to meet you, Ice Princess and esecially you, Mr. Raymond Luxury Yacht," Sue One said.
"No, no," Stacey said in character. "It's spelled yacht, but it's pronounced Throat Warbler Mangrove."
"Uh huh," said Sue One, who had become very reproachful. "So...where is this promised poster?"
"Uh...." was all that Stacey had managed. She looked at the Sneak, who also hadn't clearly thought this through.
"You see..." The Sneak started. Before she could get any further, Sue #432 pulled off Stacey's fake nose.
"It's fake!" Sue #432 said. "It appears to be made out of poly-styrene."
"Give me back my nose!" Stacey said, still in the Throat Warbler Mangrove character.
"It's false!" Sue One shouted angrily.
"Anti-Semitism!" Stacey yelled.
"No it isn't!" Sue One yelled back.
"Oh, God, quit murdering the sketch!" Ashley yelled. She did a flying squirrel leap off of the stage and onto Sue One. They both fell with a loud crash on the floor. "RUN AWAY!"
As The Sneak, Ashley and Stacey did just that, the doors burst open again to reveal more Sue Troopers.
"There's been a security breech. Someone else has boarded the ship!" One of the random Sue Troopers yelled.
|
|
H Pie whowas2lazy2login
Guest
|
Post by H Pie whowas2lazy2login on Jun 13, 2005 9:31:34 GMT -5
Back on the Millenium Falcon, the Wofflepuds were beamed into the Absurdly Long Acronym star and quickly surrounded by screaming fans. Katie commented, "it's like they can smell hot celebs from miles away, and have now come to prey on thier flesh!" "All true," Frankie announced. "dis-gusting!" said Jackie. "Okay, crew, plan please? Anyone? No? okay...Doris, any ideas?" "You could have asked me sooner." "Well, we didn't want to waste your great talent if we were able to come up with a plan on our own..." Oni supressed a giggle at Katie's words. "you're just saying that to get me to do it..." "Does it matter?" "Well, yes, as a matter of fact it does..." "Please humor us?" "Fine. maybe saving your LIVES will help me get some gratitude around here..." "GET ON WITH IT!!!!" the whole crew yelled.
|
|
|
Post by Ashley on Jun 13, 2005 20:10:45 GMT -5
Katie thought very quickly. "You know what Doris, I think I may have come up with my own plan."
"Oh, I see," said Doris, muttering to herself. "You don't need old Doris anymore."
"Oh, don't take this personal, Doris," Frankie interjected. "Sometimes Katie gets ideas."
"And besides," Jackie helped, "we're saving your brilliant ideas for when we really need them."
"Oh," said Doris.
"Oni," Katie said, turning to him suddenly, "get your Sue Killing Sword ready, we're going inot battle."
"BATTLE!?!?!" Oni said, standing up and completely forgetting about Natalie.
"Yes," said Katie with a nod. "It is time."
|
|
|
Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jun 14, 2005 2:39:00 GMT -5
Everyone ran around the Millennium Falcon searching for things that looked as though they could do some damage. Frankie spent a full fifteen minutes begging Anakin to let her use his lightsaber, but for once Obi-Wan's teachings had sunk into his head and he just hummed and pretended not to hear her.
Luckily, Padme being the Boy Scout she was and always being prepared, she had quite a few blasters to hand. So with Oni armed with his Sue-killing sword, Anakin with his lightsaber, Padme and the others with blasters and Frankie with her Poping Pen, they were ready.
"Are you sure we can fight that many?" asked Jackie, which was quite a reasonable question.
"Uh," said Katie, mentally counting them all, and then decided, "No."
"Ah," said Jackie, "Well, that's all right."
"Can't we distract them, or something?" asked Anakin, "Is there something which would divert their attention? Like hairspray, or..... why are you all looking at me like that?"
A few moments later, the hatch of the Millennium Falcon was opened, and Anakin unceremoniously thrown out into the hordes of screaming fans.
"Nothing personal, I hope you realize," shouted Katie quickly before she closed the door, "And stop biting my shoulder, Frankie, we'll go to Episode 3 in a minute..."
"I wanna fight theeeem!!!" yelled Oni as the door slammed in his face.
"You'll get your chance all too soon," said Katie, "Now that Anakin is... uh... distracting them... we can go out the other way."
"What if we meet more of them?" asked Alex.
Katie looked contemplative. "Shame we don't have more film characters for them to lust after... but all we have is...."
Her eyes fell on Oni, who was standing holding his sword and looking extremely emo. One eyebrow arched deviously.
"Uh-oh," said Oni, "I don't like that eyebrow."
"You'll like her smile even less," warned Jackie. Lo and behold, soon the evil devious grin appeared. More evil and devious smiles have been seen, but only on tigers just when they see a small undefended deer.
"Frankie," said Katie, "Get my eyeliner and hair gel."
"You don't have any," said Frankie, "You despise make-up in all shapes and forms."
"Fine. Get me yours."
"What are you going to do?" said Oni worriedly as Katie sat him down in a chair.
Katie's smile widened. "We're going to make you into a lust object, dearie."
NOW, USING MY ULTRA-COOL ADMIN POWERS, I HAVE INTEGRATED JACKIE'S AND EBON'S RESPONSES TO THIS POST...
Katie's statment was followed by a shocked silence. Oni looked as though he wanted to say something but hadn't figured out WHAT yet, so his mouth opened and closed repeatedly like one of those creepy clown things in old fun houses. His hand clenched and unclenched on a weapon that he didn't have but apparantly dearly wished that he did.
The silence was finally broken interminal seconds later as Frankie started laughing her head off.
"WHAT?!" Oni burst, leaping up from the chair. "You intend to... to... what?! No! Get away from me!"
"Frankie," Katie said, ignoring his protests entirely, "get that stuff fast." Frankie hastened to comply, giddy at the prospect of the cruelty that was ahead.
"Stay back," Oni warned, backing away and brandishing the chair he'd been sitting in.
"Will someone hold him down?" Katie asked, smiling sweetly as Frankie handed her the implements of torture.
Jackie eagerly jumped at Oni and tackled him like a pro, sending the chair flying uselessly away. Ashley quickly followed suit, and sat on Oni's kicking legs.
"Where did you learn to tackle like that?" She asked Jackie, avoiding a flailing foot and forcing it down.
"We play intense Capture the Flag at church," Jackie shrugged, shifting a bony elbow on Oni's chest.
"You learned that at church?" Ashley repeated, tying Oni's shoelaces together for the fun of it. "That's a religion I could go for."
"You two get the **** off me, or so help me you'll be the first things I kill before going after Sues!" Oni roared. "And that goes for you too!" He added to Katie, who was swooping down with a makeup brush.
"Now now," Katie scolded, applying the makeup. Oni screamed as though it burned him.
"Don't take it personal," said Frankie, "It's just that you're the only guy..."
"And with a little hairgel and eyeliner, we can make you into a convincing lust object," added Jackie.
Katie looked thoughtfully as Oni cursed everyone from here to Tatooine. "We can't have him killing sues right off the bat."
"We'll probably have to send him out unarmed," Alex said ponderously.
"WHAT?" Oni screeched, writhing under the girls' grip.
"Frankie, can you help?" Ashley asked plaintitively. There was a moment of shuffling as Ashley sat on one leg, Frankie on the other. Alex, seeing more assistance was needed, took one of his arms from the straining Jackie, while Katie kneeled on his chest and leaned into his face.
"You're all. Going. To die." Oni threatened through gritted teeth.
"Oh, DO stop thrashing your head around," Alex sighed exasperatedly. "Look, you've made Katie give you a nice long mark-"
"It looks like a scar," Frankie said, squinting around Katie.
"I like it," Padme said unexpectedly. "It makes him look rogue-ish."
There was a sudden lapse as the importance of this statement- and WHO it was coming from- sank in.
"It's working!" Ashley cried excitedly.
"Keep going, keep going!" shouted Oni, looking about wildly for his beloved Natalie Portman.
"Stop moving!" ordered Katie.
|
|