Star Wars Episode 42 - The Photocopied Menace

[Hobbit-eyes]

Started from a completely random tangent on the 'Welcomes and Introductions' thread... for the story as to just how we ended up in a MATATEW (Mini AT-AT Endor Walker) going to get photocopied paper, read on there. Anyway, we decided it could be a new story... normal rules apply, but go nuts on this one. And you don't need to know anything about SW, but should you want clarification on something, just PM me.

A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY....

*whispers* Someone do the music!

*whispers* But we don't have an orchestra! Is Alex available?

*whispers* No, she's always late on Tuesdays... we'll just have to do it...

Da-DAH, duh-duh-duh DA-dah
duh-duh-duh DA-dah
duh-duh-duh DAAAAA...

EPISODE 42 - The Photocopying Menace

It is some random time in the Star Wars Galaxy... the Empire has made a drastic move by stealing the Almighty Triple Chocolate Muffins that are Alimighty... and the only people that can stop them are some Wofflepuds who have hijacked a MATATEW walker and are currently seeking photocopied paper...

On top the MATATEW, everyone was chilling out as it stomped through the forests of Endor towards the nearby stationary store to get photocopied paper for Ebon to eat. As the dulcet tones of the cheering ewoks and the wailing Star Wars fans echoed around the trees, and the sun streamed through the trees, it seemed like everything was right in the world...

"Except the fact that Darth Vader has stolen our Almighty Triple Chocolate Muffins that are Almighty," said Katie, sniffing as she read the above paragraph.

"And I don't have photocopied paper..." wailed Ebon, "Or even a Dairy Milk wafer..."

Suddenly the MATATEW phone rang. "OOH! I'll get it!" said Frankie cheerfully.

"Who would be phoning us?" said Alex, again being the sensible one, "No-one knows we're here..."

"Maybe it's the tree?" said David, as the author feebly tried reminiscing about the last story, "I miss the tree... I never DID find out whether it had a chocolate centre..."

They listened to Frankie answering the call. "Yallo? HI BOO!!! How's you? Yah? Yah? Yah? Yah? Ooh. Yah? OK. BYESIES!" She hung up, and clambered back on to the top of the MATATEW walker. Everyone looked at her expectantly. She paid no attention, but lay down on her front and giggled every time she bounced as the MATATEW took another step.

"What did Boo want?" asked Jackie when this had gone on for five minutes.

"Huh?" said Frankie, "Oh... she was just saying hi."

"Oh, OK," said everyone.

There was a two minute pause, as everyone settled back down again. "Oh, and guess what?" said Frankie, "She also mentioned that there are there are a million SueTroopers heading this way through the forest!"

"WHAT???" said everyone in shock, horror, alarm, fear and various other emotions.

"She also mentioned that there are a million SueTroopers-" repeated Frankie slowly and clearly. Katie immediately slid down into the cockpit and phoned Boo.

"Boo?"

"AAAAH!!!!"

"That's your name..."

"Oh, right..."

"Just got your message... eventually... where are they??"

"Around the shield generator... I think they're trying to take over the Death Star to search the Galaxy for Anakin," said Boo fearfully, "Can you imagine it? A million SueTroopers in control of the most powerful weapon in the Galaxy, driven by hormones???"

"Ye muffins..." said Katie.

"I don't care how many there are!" proclaimed Oni on the MATATEW, pulling out his Sue-killing sword, "Just tell me where they are!"

"Oooh! Suekilling!" said Ebon excitedly, "I LOVE killing!"

Katie got the position from Boo, and talked to the MATATEW. "Matty?"

"What?"

"That's your name now. Matty, take us to the shield generator."

"Do this, do that... I have feelings, you know."

"No ya don't," said Frankie confusedly, "You're metal. METAL. UNFEELING MACHINE."

Matty stopped abruptly, sending everyone flying from the roof. "I'm not taking ONE STEP," it said, "Until she takes that back."

[reasonably_crazy]

"Matty," Alex sighed, rubbing her head where it had suffered a close encounter with something none too soft, "Frankie's right, you know."

"Well, clearly Frankie's not right," Katie said reasonably, "because if Matty didn't have emotions, would she be throwing this hissy fit?"

"Are you using that logic thing again?" Jackie asked, "because I wish you wouldn't. It requires too much effort."

"Look," Frankie started defensively, "I was just saying that Matty was constructed out of inanimate objects, such as metal, and... um... stuff. She's a machine. An object."

"Oh!" Matty burst. "I'm an object! A plaything! IS that all I am to you? How like a man!"

"I- wait... what?"

"Sue death destruction kill sue death destruction kill," cackled Oni, scattering in random spurts of mad laughter. He emphasized each violent word with an equally violent gesture as he mimed out a battle with a non-existent sue.

"Watch where you're waving that thing," Alex complained as a close encounter with his sue sword nearly left her without a scalp.

"Matty, please, can we get to the shield generator before bloodlust causes Oni to go... more mad than he is already?" Katie pleaded, stepping out of the way of the crazed 'battle.'

"Not until I get an apology!"

"Frankie, would you?" Katie sighed.

"Why should I apologize? She's inanimate!"

Jackie seemed struck with an idea. "Frankie, remember Marvin? He was made out of metal and... um... stuff. But he had a personality!"

"A paranoid one," Frankie muttered.

"For the sake of... of..." Alex started.

"Muffins," Katie supplied.

Alex got back into her stride. "For the sake of Muffins, Frankie, is it that hard to apologize? Just give her a nice apology so we can get on to the SueTroopers."

[Hobbit-eyes]

"FINE!" said Frankie, "MATATEW, I still don't believe you have feelings and are inanimate, but I'm sorry."

"I don't think you meant that," sniffed the MATATEW, and turned away from Frankie in a huff. Being quite a large and ungainly piece of machinery, the group all screamed and dived for cover as it did so, and much undergrowth was trampled.

"NOOOOO! UNDERGROWTH!!!!!!" wailed Jackie, hugging a trampled bush, "YOU WERE SO YOUNG!!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE TRAMPLED????"

"Please, Matty..." said Katie, blinking the massive hobbit-eyes, "We just want a teensy lift t go kill some Sues..."

[Ashley]

"Kill Kill Kill..." Oni rambled, rocking back and forth. Ashley looked at him for a moment, and then joined in as she was suffering from photocopied paper withdrawls.

"Kill Kill Kill..." Oni and Ashley chanted in unison. Frankie, Katie, Alex, Jackie and Boo all looked at them, slightly dumbfounded.

"Er...you two will get your chance," said Katie. She looked at Ashley. "And we'll get you photocopied paper soon enough."

"YAY! Photocopied goodness!" Ashley yelled.

"But I want to kill some Sues!" said Oni. "I already have my Sue Killing sword out. And if I don't get some action soon, I can't be held responsible for my actions."

[Hobbit-eyes]

It took hours and many, many pages of dialogue, but they finally convinced Matty to take them to the shield generator, and stop off at the Drive-Thru Photocopied Paper place on the way.

So by the time they rounded the last bunch of trees and saw the Shield Generator, the SueTroopers had arrived, fought strenuously, defeated the guards, cleaned up the mess, stolen their paperweights and gone up to the Death Star.

It took several moments for Katie to decide on the most appropriate word for this situation.

"Dang," she declared.

"Well said," said everyone, and applauded.

"But I need to KILL SUES and cause them PAIN and SUFFERING with the BLOOD and the PAIN and the TORTURE and the SUFFERING and the SCREAMING and..." muttered Oni very quickly, clutching his sword and rocking slightly.

Boo appeared from behind a rock, looking a bit more battered than usual. "Great timing," she said.

"I thought it was, rather," commented Frankie, "What did we miss?"

"Only the Sues taking over the Death Star," sighed Boo.

"NOOOOO!!!!" wailed Ashley in true despair.

"FEAR NOT, ASHLEY!!!!" proclaimed Jackie. She leapt to her feet and took up a dramatic pose. "The Sues may have won this round, but we will follow them! There will be a day when all characters are human, and with developed personalities, and whose names don't all end in 'iel' or 'ia'!!! WE WILL CONQUER IN THE END!!!!!"

A bird tweeted in the distance.

"I ran out of photocopied paper," explained Ashley timidly.

"Jackie's right, though," said Alex, "It's not over yet! We can go up to the Death Star and take it over again! I mean, it's only a million Suetroopers! How hard can it be???"

"Well..." observed Katie, "They're in a Death Star, one of the most difficult-to-access vehicles in the Galaxy... they're all perfect, with amazing fighting abilities, and probably several tame dragons and unicorns too, and you do NOT wanna tangle with a pissed off unicorn... not to mention there's a million of them, and only a few of us."

A bird tweeted again. This was actually a different bird from before. Not that that's really interesting. Just trying to create atmosphere.

[Ashley]

"I WANT SOME PHOTOCPIED GOODNESS AND IF I DON'T GET SOME I CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ENSUING ACTIONS I NEDD PHOTOCPOIED PAPER GIVE ME SOME OR I SWEAR I'LL EAT BOB-BOB! He's paper mache and close enough!" Ashley wailed at the top of her lungs capacity, nearly deafening the Wofflepuds.

"Calm down," Jackie suggested. "It's just photocopied paper."

"Oh no," commented Katie.

"JUST PHOTOCOPIED PAPER?!!" Ashley yelled. "That's like telling Oni killing Sues can be done another day."

"NO!!!" exclaimed Oni. "Sues must be killed now. My sword is calling out to me to KILL and MURDER and ANNHILATE Sues from the very existence of Earth with one FATAL swipe of my blade. It CANNOT wait another day."

"Fine," said Jackie. "How are we going to catch the Death Star then?"

"What about the Millenium Falcon?" Ashley suggested. All the Wofflepuds stared at her in amazement that she actually knew SOMETHING about Star Wars.

"She actually has a point," Frankie finally said, as she came out of the initial shock first.

"Onward," said Boo, "to the Milleniun Falcon!" She then pushed a button, opening a garage door and revealing the Milleniun Falcon.

"Okaaay," said Katie. "I'm not even going to ask why you have the Millenium Falcon in your garage."

[Nfinity]

"You actually think she owns this old relic?" A voice from inside asked. Everyone looked around, searching for the source. A door opened and out stepped Stacey.... and Chewbacca I love the big fuzzball. Everyone stared.

"What?" Stacey looked around and touched her face. "Do I have chocolate on my face?" Ashley rolled her eyes and looked longingly for more photocopied paper; and Oni wandered around looking for a Sue to maim.

"Why do you have the Millenium Falcon?" Katie asked, the first to get out of this random moment.

Stacey grinned and shrugged.

"Well, I kinda borrowed it without the intention of giving it back." She stopped and stood uncomfortably as everyone stared at her. "What? It's not like Han was going to use it any time soon!"

<FLIP SCENE>

Han: Where in hell is my ship?

Leia: What do you mean 'where is my ship'? We were supposed to take a nice stroll across the Galaxy and you just had to have your ship stolen! *Thwaps Han* You're sleeping on the couch tonight, buddy.

<FLIP SCENE>

"What's Chewbacca doing with you then?" Frankie asked. Again, Stacey shrugged.

"He was tired of listening to Han and Leia bicker all the time and missed the old days of killing random people for fun." Everyone turned to Chewie, who made his Wookie noise.

Just then a terrible explosion was heard that rocked the building.

"OMG!" Boo screamed. "AN EARTHQUAKE!"

[Ashley]

The explosion was caused by an Urple Bomb of Sueness that was released from the Death Star.

"Quick! Onto my ship!" Stacey yelled, Chewie leading the way. Thinking that no one saw, Stacey slapped Chewie on the rear end.

"Why did she do that?" Katie asked Ashley in a whisper.

"I dunno," answered Ashley. "A weird hairy nonhuman fettish, I think."

[Tiki]

Meanwhile, back on the Death Star currently taken over by SueTroopers...

A girl swiped her ID card to gain entrance to a secret chamber that wasn't really secret since everyone knew it was there. When this girl gained entrance, an overly cheery voice that said, "Thank you, Girithradiel, for using the SueTrooper ID system! Happy hunting!" She cringed.

"I can't believe I used to be like that," she mumbled, disgustedly. Many years before, this girl had, in fact, been a supporter of Mary Sues. Then, common sense hit her (quite literally, getting hit with rocks thrown by friends is quite a change) and she saw the error of her ways. But for some reason, she had kept her SueCard. At least it came in handy today. "Girithradiel, my..." She noticed a pink package covered with countless pictures of Anakin laying on a table in the middle of the not-so-secret secret chamber. Shuddering, the girl put on latex gloves and quickly opened the package.

Inside was a slightly smushed muffin and a hologram labeled, "How to Find a Yummy Sith Lord Named Anakin." Sighing, she activated the holo and painfully watched as a handful of Sues swooned over pictures and film clips of the elusive Anakin. "You'd think they'd understand by now that he's married and had twins...and that he isn't exactly going by the name of Anakin anymore," she said to herself.

She threw the holo to the table, annoyed by what she saw and heard. "Crazy people." She picked up the muffin and put it into a Ziploc bag she had in one of her pockets. "Stacey will be wanting this." She said this because she secretly worked for Stacey and swore to get as much evidence as possible. The hologram was sadly included as evidence. "Drats." She quickly put it in another Ziploc and disposed of the package remnants. "Off to continue working."

This girl was known simply as 'The Sneak.'

[Ashley]

After boarding the Millenium Falcon, there had been a discrepency of who was going to command, who was going to pilot and who was going to be the weapons engineer.

"I want to fly it!" whined Stacey. All the Wofflepuds had immediately vetoed that idea.

"I want to be in control of the weapons!" cried Oni.

"Oni, if you're in control of the weapons, then all of our ammo will be gone by the time we actaully catch up to the Death Star," Frankie pointed out.

"I call commander!" Katie interjected. And, seeings that she was the mistress, no one could disagree.

"I can fly the ship," Ashley butted in.

"No! I want to!" Stacey insisted.

"Hows about I am the lead pilot, and you are the copilot. And then Oni can be the weapons guy, but only if assisted by Frankie and doesn't fire until Katie gives the word?" Ashley said in one collective breath.

"Okay," they all agreed eventually.

[Nfinity]

*Blink* *Blink* I hope you know I only like Chewbacca because he's weird...I have no hairy non-human fetish. Hobbits aren't included in that category.

As the Wofflepuds were cruising through the Galaxy towards the Death Star, now dubbed the Sue Death In Known Mortal Peril and Almost Certain Grammatical
Massacre Along With The Maiming of A Plot and No Characterization Whatsoever Star-- or the SDINMPAACGMAWTMOAPANCW Star--there came on the radio a coded message. A girl's voice crackled and the message was on a loop.

"What's she saying," Katie asked. Stacey smiled.

"That's my Central Intelligence Operative sending an update." It took Stacey a few minutes to decode the message as it was spoken in code. "Okay, 'monkey's caught in spandex', that's new, and um.... 'the house is on fire,' they're speeding operations. 'The wolf flies at midnight into the bright sun.' Not quite sure about that. 'Dog crap supreme is the favorite meal of parakeets!'" Stacey squealed in excitement. Everyone else stared at her.

"That last one finally made sense! The Sues will be completing their search of the galaxy for celebs to torture and are deciding on a target.

<FLIP SCENE>

SueLeader: Pick one of the pictures on the table.

Sue1: OMG ORLI! *swoon*

Sue2: *rolls eyes* it's not like we're like, fangirls or anything. Elijah Wood most definitely.

Sue1: NO! What about Obi-Wan? *Cricket Cricket*

<FLIP SCENE>

"They're going to attack tonight!" Everyone gave a collective gasp.

Ashley turned to Stacey. "Your 'Intelligence Operative'?" The arched eyebrow made Stacey grin, causing her to look slightly psychotic.

"In a manner. She's actually a former Sue working for us now, or at least, not working for them." Her grin widened. "Wait till ya meet The Sneak."

[Tiki]

The Sneak snuck out of the not-so-secret secret chamber and sent the messages to Stacey quickly. She particularly liked the one about the flying wolf. Oh, Stacey would murder her mercilessly if she ever found out who she was speaking of.

Anyway, sneaking around the corridors and reluctantly donning pink bunny slippers to make sure she blended in, The Sneak went to spy on some Sues.

Sue4: Why don't we just stick with the primary objective of stalking Anakin? I mean, come OOON, he's so gorgeous!

Sue3: I wanna go find Obi-Wan!!! *pouts*

Sue2: Ooo! Ooo! We can find Richard Gere! *is pummeled with tomatoes*

Sue4: Well, whatever. I'm still going to find Anakin. And that's my final answer! *gets up to exit*

The Sneak quietly got out of the line of sight of Sue4 and began her way to her private starfighter. Once in the hanger, things looked good for her. She contacted Stacey again--"The fox has snuffed it...three times!"--and climbed into the cockpit of her fighter.

Only then did things get complicated. As soon as she was ready to launch, a SueTrooper stopped her and asked for identification.

Sighing, The Sneak handed over her ID card. The SueTrooper glanced over it and gave it back. "Girithradiel, it seems you never checked in from your last mission. And now your checking out twice in a row? Explain yourself!"

The Sneak rubbed her temples. "Can't we just forget about this? I'm in a hurry to get somewhere."

"Not until I find out why you can check out twice in a row! It's not possible!" The SueTrooper began to act flustered.

The Sneak decided it was time to take different measures. Waving her hand in front of her face, she said, "You don't need to know the answer to that."

"I don't need to know the answer to that."

"It is very easy for me to check out twice in a row."

"It is very easy for you to check out twice in a row."

"This isn't the ship you're looking for."

"This isn't the ship I'm looking for."

"You do not want that Pepsi you're holding."

"I do not want this Pepsi I'm holding." The SueTrooper promptly handed over the Pepsi.

"You have work to do elswhere."

"I have work to do elswhere." She walked away. Finally, The Sneak could intercept the Falcon and watch as the SD...whatever the rest of it is Star is blasted into oblivion. Goodbye, Sues!

The Sneak left the hangar and flew off to meet her friends.

[reasonably_crazy]

"Alright," Jackie sighed. "To summerize: we have Han's ship-"

"MY ship," Stacey interjected.

"HAN'S ship," Jackie repeated, glaring at Stacey, who began sulking. "On HAN'S ship is a blood-thirsty pyromaniac, a surprisingly cooperative wookie, and a photocopied paper-hungry... whatever she is. Not to mention me," she added modestly, gulping her medication.

"Uh-huh," Boo said.

"Not to mention that we are rapidly approaching the Death Star that harvests hordes of unpleasant fangirls," Katie added.

"Meeting some rehabilitated Sue known only as The Sneak," supplied Ashley.

"With ONLY THIS MANY OF US," Frankie reminded, looking at their scant numbers significantly.

There was a sort of pause.

"Eh," Oni said dismissively, "We've had worse."

Everyone looked at him. "When?" demanded Alex.

"Well, I don't remember when, exactly," Oni shrugged, "but I'm sure we have. Can we go attack now?"

"Let's wait for Sneak," Stacey said, "I promise you'll want to hear what she has to say."

(Almost) everyone nodded in agreement; inside info would certainly be helpful.

Once the nodding was finished there was a rather lenthy and awkward silence. "What is it?" Stacey asked.

Katie looked at her. "She won't be speaking in code, will she?"

[Nfinity]

Suddenly, Stacey's beeper went off causing Boo and Frankie to duck for cover, Ashley to lunge at Chewie and Oni to swing his sworda t the first available target: Katie's head.

"AAH!" Katie ducked just in time, but Oni didn't stop his attack, he swung his sword directly into the main engine drive, destroying the H-drive completely.

"Damnit, Oni!" Stacey shouted, adding a few choice expletives to that. "I missed the message. I think it said that the Sue Troopers have foudn their target and are getting ready to move out.... Hold it, The Sneak has snuck off the SDINMPAACGMAWTMOAPANCW Star and is heading our way. Chewie.... Ashley, get off him, he isn't hiding any photocopied paper on his person.... be ready to intercept and wait for her to give the code: The mouse squeaks purple bubbles."

She sighed and looked at the remnants of the H-drive, which was oddly in the shape of Montana, and turned to the congregation. "Unfortunately, Oni destroyed our Hyper-drive so if we manage to blow up the SDINMPAACGMAWTMOAPANCW Star , we won't be able to get out of range quick enough to make sure we don't get annihilated along with the Sues... what do we do now?"

[Hobbit-eyes]

"Hmmmmm....." said Katie.

"Hmmmmmmmmm...." concurred Frankie.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......" said everyone.

"Hmmmmmm..." said Alex, humming at a different pitch to harmonize.

This humming went on for a long time. Eventually, people forgot why they were humming and just started humming the Imperial March to fit the moment.

"HMMM HMMM HMMM hmmm HMMM Hmmm hmmmm HMMMM hmmm!"

"FOOT FOOT FOOT-" began Frankie.

"I GOT IT!!!" cheered Katie.

Frankie hit her. "You interrupted my footing!"

"Sorry," said Katie, "But I... have a cunning plan..."

Everyone looked at her expectantly. Katie paused for dramatic effect, and then continued.

"This is a space ship, right?"

"Yeees...."

"So it could belong in Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, right?"

"Uhh.... maybe..."

"So MAYBE it has a Finite Probability Drive... Is there one?"

Everyone quickly searched the cockpit. One was eventually discovered underneath a mound of photocopied paper, which Ashley quickly demolished.

"Right," said Katie, "So we can use the Finite probability drive to transport US onto the SDINMPAACGMAWTMOAPANCW Star without them detecting the ship!"

A silence followed this rather surprising acronym.

"Why would we want to do THAT?" demanded Stacey.

"KILL SUES!!!" shrieked Oni.

"Well, there's that..." said Katie, after a disturbed pause, "But we can go onto the SDINMPAACGMAWTMOAPANCW Star, pretend to be Sues, and try to shut down the Sue Cannon! And then blow it up from the inside! We can escape on one of the ships in the hangar!"

Another silence followed this. Then Jackie said,

"Katie, that IS indeed a cunning plan.... but do you know the probability needed to transport us onto the SDINMPAACGMAWTMOAPANCW Star?"

"Uh..... no. But I could try to work it out...."