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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jul 1, 2005 4:53:51 GMT -5
"Ummmmmmmmm," said Katie thoughtfully. When she finished, everyone was still staring at her expectantly, and no idea had yet occurred to her, so she continued, "mmmmmm..."
This could have lasted for a long time.
"I know!" said Oni.
"Oh, thank muffins," said Katie, grateful for the pressure being off her.
"Let's use them to make a massive bonfire and kill all the Gungans!" cheered Oni.
Somewhere, someone coughed.
"Maybe something less bloodthirsty," suggested Jackie, and her suggestion was greeted with nods all round.
"Let's drop them all in Mount Doom!" said Kathryn, and everyone agreed that this was a good idea. And then they all sat down and had muffins.
After quickly driving the Death Star over to Middle-earth, dropping the Sues into the mouth of Mt Doom (which caused a major eruption, destroying all of Mordor, so Sam and Frodo emerged from Cirith Ungol and blinked that someone had done the job for them) they realized that they were now in command of the most powerful ship in the Galaxy...
"Hmmm," said Alex, "What should we use it for? For good or for evil?"
"Or for muffins?" mused Katie.
"PHOTOCOPIED PAPER!" cheered Ashley.
And then Frankie made the most useful comment of all. "Hey... what happened to Anakin?"
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Tiki
Ranger
I'd call you a genius, except I'm in the room.
Posts: 245
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Post by Tiki on Jul 1, 2005 12:59:17 GMT -5
The Sneak cast a sidelong glance at Frankie. "You lost Anakin?" Her voice was dangerously low and scared some people, but only temporarily. She walked over to Frankie and picked her up by her shirt collar. "You lost the annoying and whiny Chosen One?"
Frankie sputtered for words. "Well--We--Uh--Gulp--EEE!" Frankie pointed behind the Sneak, causing her to be dropped. The Sneak turned around and saw a terrible sight.
There stood Anakin...well, what was supposedly left of him. His braid had gotten ripped off quite violently, his face was smudged with too many colors of lipstick to count, one boot was missing, he was limping terribly and couldn't form coherent words. As soon as he hobbled his way over to Frankie, he fell into her arms and passed out.
"Ummmmmmmmmm," Katie continued, "I think he's dead. They killed Anakin. How EVIL!"
"Nah," said Ashley, checking for a pulse, "he's just been witness to some of the worst torture possible in this galaxy--Sue-loving."
Frankie wept.
Stacey huggled Sirius.
Ashley shuddered.
Katie ate a muffin.
Oni muttered, "Gungan bonfire..."
The Sneak walked over to the controls and punched in some coordinates.
Katie was the first to come back to their sense and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Getting away from here and someplace to make Anakin come back to his senses. Perhaps we can even let him figure out what he's going to be doing in...uh...three years' time for him. It's actually now for us."
"Episode III?"
"Yup."
"Oh no, don't tell me you're taking him to Mustafar?"
The Sneak didn't say anything.
Katie sighed. "Folks, get ready to see Hell."
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Nfinity
Ent
Nothing makes sense, when you're easily bewildered.
Posts: 588
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Post by Nfinity on Jul 1, 2005 18:15:51 GMT -5
Stacey whimpered at the sight of what Katie aptly called Hell and clamped onto Sirius.
"I hated this part," she whined. "Can't we go to a better part of the movie? One where the emotional trauma isn't so.... thick?" The Sneak shook her head. "But if you tell him about the plans for...uh... three years' time, won't that in effect screw up the entire thing? He's the wrong Anakin for this." Everyone ignored her and Stacey, unused to being ignored, began to whine with all of her considerable whining abilities.
After three minutes, Stacey found herself standing against a wall with Oni's Sue-killing sword up to her neck. She followed the blade up to the weilder.
"Ashley, what are you doing?!" She cried, scared nearly out of her wits that Ashley would keep a long-ago made promise of killing her. A feral gleam shined in Ashley's eyes and none of the others moved to help Stacey for fear of incuring Ashley's wrath.
"I've run out of photocopied paper, I'm stuck in the Land of Star Wars, you've gone all gaga over a fictional character and NOW YOU'RE WHINING!" Stacey flinched and cowered, and then cowered and flinched.
"Now," Ashley said in a calm voice that was much more dangerous than the shouting. "You're going to sit down quietly in the corner and not say another word." She brandished the sword menacingly. "Do I make myself clear?" Stacey nodded mutely and Ashley handed Oni his sword back. She turned to the others as Stacey ran to the corner, huddled into a little ball and began to rock back and forth. "Continue."
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HappyPie
Ranger
One's never alone with a rubber duck.
Posts: 127
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Post by HappyPie on Jul 2, 2005 14:07:48 GMT -5
Oni muttered, "how much more d'you think it would stress her out if she knew how much P-H-O-T-O-C-O-P-I-E-D paper we found in the cabinets..."
"Let's not get into that," suggested Katie.
But by the look on Ashley's face, they could tell it was too late.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jul 3, 2005 5:25:08 GMT -5
While Ashley ran screaming towards the cabinets and started throwing them all open in a P-H-O-T-O-C-O-P-I-E-D paper lusting frenzy, Katie sat down in front of the now conscious, clean Anakin.
Luckily, the Sue experience had messed up his hair and given him a scar over his eye, and they had all dressed him in black. So he looked exactly like his episode 3 counterpart.
"Now, Annie," said Katie, "You've been through an ordeal. All those Sues-"
Anakin's eye twitched.
"Sorry. That... ORDEAL... took up a bit of time, so we need to get you back into the story-"
"Story?" said Anakin, looking confused.
"Ohh, right... ummm... Well..." Katie was hit with inspiration. "We're taking you somewhere where you can deal with the people who sent the Sues."
"Really?" said Anakin in amazement.
"Yes. Inside that bunker - Sue authors, every last one. Now, would you like to kill them?"
Anakin nodded eagerly.
"Go ahead. It's not against the Jedi code any more. And they've renamed the Jedi the Sith. And the Sith the Jedi. It's all reversed, see."
Anakin frowned. "All this happened while I was out?..."
"This is the Star Wars universe, stuff changes quickly," said Katie. "Oh, and also, Palpatine took that suggestion you put in the suggestion box. The Republic's now an Empire! Anyway, once you've killed all those Sue authors, Padme's going to turn up. She's turning into a Wimpy!Sue, Anakin. Try to snap her out of it."
Anakin looked horrified, but nodded grimly.
"And then Obi-Wan. Well... I've seen him on the Sue fanfiction section a leetle too often... and I think he might have been getting it on with Padme while we were gone."
Anakin's eyes turned red. On the other side of the ship, there was a sigh and a thud as Frankie fainted off her chair.
As soon as they landed, Anakin strode off the ship in a Sith-like rage towards the bunker. Frankie tried to run after him, but Jackie, the Sneak, Oni, Stacey, Alex and Katie held her back. Yes, it took all of them.
"NO! Hot Annie - must glomp - dark Sith sexiness-"
"Doris!" yelled Alex.
"Oh, so you DO remember me," said Doris slightly sniffily.
"Can you get a photo of Gerard Way looking like a Sith?"
On the main screen appeared Gerard Way, in a black outfit with a red lightsaber, looking smoulderingly at something. Frankie immediately went limp in their arms, staring at the wonder that was Gee.
"Geeee...."
"Do you think Anakin'll be all right?" asked Stacey as Anakin ignited his lightsaber and strode into the bunker, muttering something along the lines of 'Kill kill kill....'
"I think he'll be juuuust fiiine," said Katie. She looked over at Oni, who was muttering something along a similar vein. "Oni? Do you want to go help him slay the Seperatists?"
Oni's eyes brightened. The next second, he was gone.
Everyone sat back and sighed happily, listening to the dulcet tones of Ashley wailing as there was no photocopied paper to be found.
It seemed that this story had come to an end...
But the power of the plot bunny could not be undone.
About half an hour later, they saw Padme's ship landing. "Shouldn't we move?" suggested Jackie, "If we're seen-"
"It'll just give the fans something to freak out about," assured Katie, "OMG! THE MILLENNIUM FALCON CAN BE SEEN IN THE DISTANCE AT MUSTAFAR!!! IS THIS A PLOT ERROR OR THE SINGLE COOLEST THING EVER???" You know what they're like."
"Geee..." sighed Frankie happily.
They watched as a dark figure emerged from the bunker and ran towards the extremely pregnant Padme. It took several moments for them to realize that something was wrong.
"Hey," said Jackie slowly, "Anakin's hair looks shorter..."
"And he doesn't seem to be exuding as much cheesiness and confusion as usual," said Alex.
"And didn't the hug only last a couple of seconds in the film?" observed Katie, "This one's gone on for several minutes... Look, Padme seems to be trying to make him let go, but-"
It occurred to everyone at once. "Doris!" yelled Stacey, "Give us sound!"
"Do this Doris. Do that Doris. Do you think I'm some sort of machine?"
"Yes," said everyone immediately.
"Geeee," commented Frankie.
Doris huffed for a moment, but then let them hear what was going on.
"Oh, Anakin," Padme was crying, "Obi-Wan told me terrible things..."
"They're all lies," said 'Anakin' quickly, "Everything. I didn't kill younglings, I didn't slaughter Jedi, I'm not in league with the Sith. 'Kay?"
"Uhhh," said Padme, "What?"
"I'm still the Anakin you know and love! Come on, let's go."
Padme felt that something extremely odd was happening. But never mind - Anakin said it was all right, and always listened to Anakin.
(A/N: A moment's silence for the demise of Gutsy!Padme, and the rise of Wimpy!Padme.)
Everyone in the ship watched as Anakin and Padme scuttled back onto the ship, arm in arm. The doors closed. A moment later, they opened again, and an extremely confused-looking Obi-Wan was thrown out. They closed again, and the ship took off.
Everyone turned away from the ship and looked at each other.
"You know what this means?" said Katie.
Most people nodded.
"Geeee," said Frankie.
"No, dear," said Katie slowly, "Oni must have taken Anakin's place!"
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Nfinity
Ent
Nothing makes sense, when you're easily bewildered.
Posts: 588
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Post by Nfinity on Jul 6, 2005 17:58:36 GMT -5
Everyone was silent for a moment contemplating what this would mean for the future of the Star Wars fandom. That silence was broken by simultaneous near-hysterical laughter and deprivation induced screams of rage. There was a collective blink, then everyone turned to the source of the former, knowing the latter was just Ashley's howls of grief at not having any paper.
The former, the one laughing shrilly, a note of panic in her voice, couldn't stop laughing. She laughed so hard her face turned a curious shade of fuschia, tears streamed down her face. Then her eyes began to bulge from lack of oxygen, and just after that she collapsed on the floor, passing out.
*A few minutes later*
"Wh-where am I?" Blurry blobs of different shapes and colors suddenly came into focus as Stacey blinked again. Jackie, being closest to Stacey's head,was the one she directed her question at.
"You're still on the Millenium Falcon," she said, an odd look on her face.
"What happened?" Every looked at each other.
"Well," Katie said, a wry smile on her face. "Oni impersonated Anakin and kinapped-- Why are you laughing now?" Stacey shook her head, tears welling into her eyes and coughed, sitting up and coughing/laughing some more.
"It's just the thought of Oni having to Lustify himself in order to look like Anakin wehn he was so opposed to it when you guys used him for Sue Bait." She chuckled again, then paused in consideration. "Where's the real Anakin?"
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Jul 7, 2005 7:46:56 GMT -5
Everyone looked at each other. It wasn't really necessary, but it felt like a looking-at-each-other moment.
Then, as one, they ran for the Mustafar bunker.
Sadly, the Millennium Falcon hatch wasn't large enough to accommodate that many stampeding girls. However, after several minutes of cursing, slapping and squeezing in different directions, they all *POP*ped out of the door and continued their dash for the bunker.
It only took a few minutes to discover Anakin tied up with duct-tape in the closet. Then they were back on the Millennium Falcon, and powering off into space after the Naboo cruiser, Obi-Wan staring the duct-tape-free Anakin in confusion.
"I could have SWORN it was you with Padme," he said.
"It's because Oni's inserted himself into the canon," said Katie, "The characters are seeing him as Anakin - otherwise their brains just couldn't make sense of it. And the canon is warping to try and accommodate the fact that Onakin is now with Padme, and that Padme is not force choked into stupidity, and that Obi-Wan is, in fact, with us, and the real Anakin."
"Sooo... all we've got to do is replace Anakin, and get back Onakin, and the canon will warp back into place?" asked Jackie hopefully.
"Sadly not," said Boo, "Canon warps like this affect the structure of the universe... and they can leave gaps for certain THINGS to get in."
"You mean-"
"Yes. Every Star Wars Mary-Sue out there now has a way in."
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Post by reasonably_crazy on Jul 21, 2005 0:39:11 GMT -5
Obi Wan looked mildly horrified by all of this.
"I don't think he understands exactly what's going on," Sneak correctly surmised.
"I'll explain!" Jackie volunteered perkily, smoothly linking arms with Obi Wan.
"It's just a lot for him to take in," Boo said, trying to gently prise Jackie from Obi Wan (and failing).
A rasping voice took everyone by surprise. "So... now.... ANY one of those.... CREATURES... can get close to me?" Anakin asked, shaking.
"'Fraid so," Katie admitted, trying to manage and optimistic grin and grimacing horribly instead.
"Onakin must DIE," Anakin muttered darkly. His glare was so smouldering that his bald patch where his braid had once been began smoking.
Stacey was still grinning insanely, despite the dire circumstances. "Katie, remember that fake scar you gave Oni when you were lust-objectifying him?"
"Evil sith Geeeeeeee..." Frankie burbled.
"Yeeesss," said Katie, patting Frankie absently on the head.
Stacey giggled madly. "I think Anakin's gonna give him a real one!"
Obi Wan looked over Jackie's head at his old apprentice. "I think Anakin's going to give him a lot more than a scar."
There was a moment of deep foreboding as the group realized that through Oni's foolish affections for Padme, he truly risked actual permanent death. It was a heavy moment.
Broken by Jackie, who was staring adoringly up at Obi Wan. "Don't you just love his VOICE?"
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Nfinity
Ent
Nothing makes sense, when you're easily bewildered.
Posts: 588
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Post by Nfinity on Nov 3, 2005 19:39:04 GMT -5
Question: Why did we suddenly stop writing on this? And by we I mean everyone, including myself (though I wasn't here for a....while). Just wondering. ;D
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Nov 4, 2005 7:03:17 GMT -5
I... don't... know... I'll try to get it going again this weekend. If anyone else wants to try, but can't remember what has happened, here's a rundown -
Mary-Sues have captured the Death Star and are using it for their own lusting devices. We defeated them somewhat - I forget how - then went to return Anakin (who we'd picked up on Naboo) to episode 3... but Oni tied him up in the closet and took his place with Padme... so now the plot is confused and on the point of breaking, which would allow every single Mary-Sue ever created easy access into the fandom... so must find Onakin and Padme, put the real Anakin back, and set the plot to rights... oh, and Ashley's obsessed with photocopied paper.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Nov 25, 2005 12:50:17 GMT -5
We will... we will.
At, er, some point.
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Post by Hobbit-eyes on Nov 25, 2005 12:50:55 GMT -5
Actually, I say we start a sequel. Episode 43!
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